Is there a 12-step program for cucumber addiction?

*
I swear, it's weird. When I started to eat salads a while back trying to get a grasp on what would masquerade as control of my life, I started to find I really liked cucumbers. No, really. Cucumbers with the seeds cut out and sliced into thin little crescent moons of goodness. A splash of Old Dutch salad dressing which is labeled as sweet and sour - although to me it tastes like spicy vinegar - and I am happy!

I cut them up and put them in a container overnight, and take them to work in the morning. It's my own little kick-ass cucumber salad without cutting up onion or adding sugar - or any of the other ways people make it. Sometimes I add sliced tomato, this time I added some carrot. More for color and because I should - than anything else. I would be happy with just the cucumber.

Don't get me wrong, I would love a cannoli. But right now - cucumbers are wonderful! Sometimes I think I'm craving vinegar, but what vitamin or mineral would that translate into? No idea. Just enjoying my cucumbers.
*

Someday I'll eat cannoli

*
Hey - everybody has to have a dream, right?



Yeah. Someday I'll have cannoli again.
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High sugar, low mood

I've been poking my fingers and measuring my glucose twice a day for a week now. I've only had one relatively close to "normal" reading the whole time.

My doctor looked at my test results and said "I'm going to have to treat you. You know that, right? I'm going to have to treat you." He said it like it was a punishment, like I had done something wrong and I knew what he meant. My numbers wouldn't be where they are if I had just lost weight. I couldn't do it and now my numbers are high enough that he had no choice except to treat me as a diabetic.

It was much easier before I was actually diagnosed, to think I could eat like a diabetic. I wasn't checking my blood sugar, I wasn't aware of all the sugar in foods I eat every day or how many foods are high carb.

Since coming home with my meter and no instruction beyond some pamphlets and what I have read online I have gone through many emotions. Crying in the car on the way home from the doctor's office is where I started. From there I think I moved to defiance - oh yes I WILL eat this piece of candy! And today - well today I am just down.

A co-worker just called me and asked if she brought in homemade butternut squash soup, would I eat it? She talked about the anti-oxidants and how good it would be for me. I hung up the phone and teared up again. It's almost 7:30 and I haven't eaten any dinner because I keep thinking - well there isn't anything I can eat anyway!

But it's not just the foods I need to avoid. It's all the mixed messages and confusing information I am getting in trying to research diabetes on my own. I didn't know exercise can lower blood sugar - but can also raise it if you do too much. Sugar is the enemy but no - carbs are worse than sugar - eat natural foods, the less processed the better but wait - fruit is a carb .....

End result to all of this is that I am just plain overwhelmed. Overwhelmed, maybe a bit scared, and if I'm being truthful - angry with myself.

Figures

While my Mom was visiting I went to have blood work done, I had an order from my doctor and it was getting closer to my next appointment. Bad news was, a couple of days later there was a message on my answering machine telling me the doc wanted to order more tests. My TSH was out of whack, my lipids, and my glucose was bad.

New tests run and my Hemoglobin A1C was in the diabetic range, my triglycerides are out of this world, and by some of the other numbers apparently I have an infection or inflammation somewhere. Gr-r-r.

Watching my Mom with her COPD/Emphysema I felt grateful I had quit smoking years ago. Also observing her attraction to junk food annoyed me because I have that myself. But she is about 5 foot nothing and about 100 lbs - and has always been that way. I'm - not that.

So tomorrow is my doctor's appointment and I will take my lumps. Or gastric sleeve maybe, yeah - that's the ticket!

We will see. Hopefully I will at least remember to shave my legs first.

A diet that could come naturally!

Think about this: they skip breakfast, workout on an empty stomach, eat a big lunch, take a nap, wake up and then eat an enormous dinner with lots of beer or saki until they pass out. Their fat cells are loving it!



Finally! A diet that wouldn't require much of a lifestyle change! Well, except for that workout thing.

I see fat people

The girl at work I share an office/room with is one of those naturally thin people who likes healthy food and enjoys being active. She is older than I am and definitely has some personality .. uh .. quirks. She tends to be a bit superior in her attitude and I try to balance her out somewhat. I have been known to call her on some of the things she says and we have had some spirited debates.

But today she let slip an attitude she has managed to keep in check since we have started to work together so closely. Speaking about Oprah, who I really don't like but in this case an easy target - "Oh well Oprah has NO excuse!" She was speaking about her weight. Almost as soon as she said it she started to back peddle with "she doesn't have a thyroid problem" (she knows I take thyroid meds), "she has a personal trainer ..." and she would have kept going but I held up my hand and just said "Stop. Drop it." And I proceeded to talk about something else.

Now I know this gal would not hurt me on purpose. It was as if she forgets I'm heavy because she doesn't see me that way so much as she just sees me as me. If that makes any sense. But for some reason this struck me and I wanted to cry. There is so much disdain for people who are overweight. It's our fault. We're gluttons or lazy, pigs and slobs.

God knows I make bad choices. I've written about self control and emotional issues. But I was angry because she has never been there. HERE. And people who have never been overweight have no idea what it's like, how it happens, or how it feels once you're here. I vented to a friend that my co-worker has a white picket fence life with the perfect husband and child and home, she is respected for her intelligence and knowledge in her job, but she does not know what it means to turn to food for comfort or as a reward or even as a companion. She has no idea what it's like to see a thin person eat a danish for breakfast, fast food for lunch, have a big dinner with dessert and not exercise ever - knowing that if you ate the same way you would be twice their size.

I am not defending where I am in my physical size and health right now. It sucks. I blame myself enough, I do not need someone else judging me too! And they do. Every single day.

Magically delicious!

Okay well, I'm not sure anything quite beats a handful of marshmallow charms from a box of Lucky Charms cereal, but this comes close! I ran to the grocery store on my lunch hour today and stumbled upon a small container of fresh dates. I already knew I liked dates, but the only ones I've ever eaten have been from a box. Looking at that plastic container I realized I had never tasted a fresh date! So of course I had to buy them.



I brought them back to work which lead to a discussion with my co-worker about whether the sweet taste of dates could get you past the somewhat waxy texture, and the slightly disturbing resemblance to cockroaches. YES!!! For me, anyway. I couldn't get her to try them for anything. But they were wonderful, even WITH the pits! I'm not sure there is anything quite as naturally sweet as a date. If you have a sweet tooth like I do, it's worth getting beyond their looks.

Plus - a couple of minutes after I got back to my desk, along came the gal I ordered taffy apples from so - BONUS! Dates AND caramel covered apples in the same day. Ah-h-h. I'm a happy girl.

Have a great Halloween!!

F.Y.I.

Did you know that if you look in your pantry a 2nd and 3rd time, move the same boxes of cereal and cans of soup, you still won't find a box of Wheat Thins that weren't there the first time? Doesn't matter how badly you are craving them.



Just sayin'.

Awards for bad bloggers!

Thank goodness I didn't have to be posting a lot to be given an award, or I wouldn't have even been considered. But it is the Dragon Loyalty Award - how cool is that?!! Tricia at Thought Threads gave to it me, for being someone who stops by her blog and regularly butchers the English language in her comments. :)



It is true though, I find blogs and tend to stick with them. Even when I go MIA for a while I generally turn up and start commenting again. I don't even think of it as loyalty really. I go where I like reading what people write so if you think about it - I'm getting an award for selfishly pursuing enjoyment. But hell, award away! Thanks Tricia!

And now for the serious part where Price Waterhouse suits come onstage and give all the rules of fairness and what-have-you.

1) If you have a blog, post it on your blog with a link back to the site who gave it to you;

2) Leave them a comment on their site, email, etc. to let them know;

3) If you don't have a blog but have a website, Facebook, MySpace, Twitter or other type account, post there with a link back;

4) Pass this on to 3-10 loyal fans. YOU GOT IT!

* * * * * * * *

Now this is where the little guy with the hat pulled down over his eyes and the cigarette hanging out of his mouth says "psssssst!" Me - wide-eyed "what?" "C'mere, you can cheat y'know. Think about it." And he sidles away around a corner, and gone.

* * * * * * * *

There really aren't that many people who read this blog. I haven't been posting very often lately because I think I'm having a bit of a 'mother coming to visit' breakdown involving scads of Halloween candy my son keeps bringing home. So I'm not going to name anyone. I will just say that I am grateful for anyone who comes and visits so please accept my thanks and feel free to take the award. I bestow it. :) Enjoy!

Thanks again, Tricia! Very sweet!!

I'm a slow learner

So, falling off the wagon (and letting it roll over me) has been a crash course in all things fast food related, grease dipped, and dairy laden. My daughter was home last weekend and we ordered pizza. We ordered a Sicilian stuffed pizza which had so much cheese there were literally puddles of it on the cardboard. It was wondrous and disgusting all at the same time. Paper bags, plastic cups and straws fill my garbage.



And I FEEL like crap.

When I was eating hardly anything processed, almost all fresh and natural foods I did not feel perfect. But the GI problems that have plagued me most of my life were reduced to the lowest point of aggravation since I was a kid. This last week I have had constant belly aches, nausea, headaches off and on, and fatigue like nobodies business. Just overall crappy.

I am kind of amazed actually that the change has been so dramatic. Changing to healthy food was a gradual process so I didn't notice anything overnight. I knew there were changes but not like when I reversed the processed and dove (dived?) head first into a fast food cesspool. Proof positive that it's not. only. about. losing. weight.

How many times have I said that? It's a lifestyle change, not a diet. It's a lifestyle change, not a diet. Why can't I integrate that into my brain so that I don't stomp my feet like a little kid when I don't lose a few pounds and head right back to Taco Bell?? Grr-r-r-r !!!! And the thing is - I'm not ready to head back yet. Even though I know I'll feel better, even though I know it's better for my heart, my sugar, my overall health, I'm not ready to turn it back around again. Ugh.

I'm not sure why. But . . did I mention it's a lifestyle change and not a diet?

I didn't just fall off the wagon . .

. . I let it run over me too! I'm talking eating well all day long at work because I pack my lunch and make sure I have a healthy snack for mid-morning, a healthy lunch, and a healthy snack for mid-afternoon. But then coming home from work and eating something ba-a-a-a-a-d which in my mind equals yummy!

I'm talking pizza, enchiladas, hamburgers, Chinese food, and basically anything else I want! And you know what? I haven't gained any weight. I know, right? I'm going to repeat that. I HAVEN'T GAINED ANY WEIGHT.

So what does this say to someone like me? My brain says - well hell - it's not hurting me, why eat all this food with no fat and no sugar and no yummy when I can stay the same weight eating all that bad (GOOD!!!) stuff??

Ugh. I have to stop it. I need to listen to my freaking brain and do what I know is good for me because even if I haven't gained any weight, I very well could be gaining plaque in my arteries, and pushing my glucose up again, etc. So I have to commit to exercise. I know I keep saying this but it is the hardest thing for me.

An hour a day. Even if I do it in 10 minute increments during the day. I have to make the promise to myself and just do it.

Sometimes I feel like I am the only person out here who whines about not being able to do this! I read blogs belonging to women who set their minds to changing their lifestyle and they do it. They write about HOW they did it, give tips and tell what they are doing to maintain their healthy changes. I haven't run across too many places where somebody writes about falling face first into a buttercream frosted cake and feeling like a loser. Maybe because it's a drag to read about and certainly not inspiring for anyone else. Blech.

Okay. Well, an hour a day. Exercise of some type, whether it's playing Wii tennis, climbing on my mini-stepper, going for a walk or (hat-tip to Cynthia) dancing in my kitchen. I'm the only one who can do it, right? Yeah, I know.

** Added - or over 10,000 steps - if I can just remember to grab my pedometer.

What do you think this means?

This is Abby. She's evil and she bites.



She jumped in my lap the other day and I *sniff Sniff* what IS that? *Sniff* - ah-h-h she smelled just like a French Fry. That kind of frightened me a bit.

Kind of mad and late to the party

This weekend I discovered there are shoes out there being advertised as workout shoes in that - they help work your muscles when you walk wearing them. They tilt back just a bit and have a rocker type motion which forces you to use more muscles when you walk. Theoretically, of course. I'm sure everyone else already knew about these besides me. Always late to the party.

But me being me I'm like - yeah - I hafta try these! Seeing as I'm not getting a workout on my couch, the idea of shoes that practically do it for you appealed to me. Okay maybe the claims didn't go that far. Still - I started to shop. I found one brand, MBTs that are really expensive - around $250.00 a pair. And Reebok has come up with some called Shape-ups, still fairly expensive although less than the first. I searched and searched until I found basically the same kind of shoes sold through K-Mart, basically a knock-off called Thera-shoes. MUCH cheaper. Also? NOT available.

But the worst part? I spent the better part of a day searching the internet for these things and discovered that even if I could afford them, or find them in the case of the K-Mart shoes, NONE OF THEM WOULD FIT ME! I have wide Flintstone feet and not a single one of these shoes comes in wide widths.

GR-R-R-R-r-r-r ....!!! I'm guessing I'm going to have to get off my butt and do it myself. Exercise, that is. What fun is that!?!

**OOPS. Reebok has EasyTones and Sketchers has Shape-ups. Too many names too little brain!

Lunch!

I make my lunch the evening before, I am not a morning person and I will do everything I possibly can so I have less to do in the morning. I get 2 mugs of tea ready, my meds for the morning and I make my lunch. I have lunch and 2 snacks everyday. Sometimes a V-8 thrown in. Man I love that stuff. Mostly lunch has been a salad. That's good, I've been loving my salads. But I've been craving meat so I bought some thinly sliced ham and shaved chicken. My lunch for tomorrow is a whole wheat pita with light mayo, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, and chicken. Yummy! I told my daughter - I want to eat it NOW! Looks so good.

A year ago it was rare that I ever put lettuce on a sandwich and almost never used tomato. Unless it was a BLT dripping with mayo and jam packed with bacon. Mmmmm. Ahem. But right now - the sandwich I made looks awesome!

My 2 snacks will be some grapes and cherries mid-morning probably, and sliced cucumbers in a sweet and sour dressing that has a great vinegary taste in the afternoon. Yum again! If I need a little filler here or there - I have a container of Almonds on my desk. I do try to eat them in small amounts, it's hard though. We will see. This pita looks good enough that I am l looking forward to lunch tomorrow already!

My how times have changed!

Sometimes I'm amazed . .

I stopped at the grocery store on my way home, not my usual one because I’ve started driving home a using a different route to avoid the road rage (mine) and high blood pressure (also mine). So I just wanted a few things. Some fruit, and whole wheat bagels. I did add some cat food but that doesn’t count as buying something I shouldn’t have because I was hungry.

Learning how to eat healthy well better, has been really unusual for me. One thing I believed I would never ever let go of was my morning bagel (onion, toasted) with cream cheese was a huge part of my diet. It was the way I started my day. Every. day. And I haven’t let go of it entirely. I have been having a whole wheat bagel with a slice of American cheese instead of the cream cheese. Still a tiny bit naughty, but good.

I balked at getting those whole wheat bagels. Tried ‘em, didn’t like ‘em, wanted my tasty white bread bagels. Whole wheat bagels have sticks and stones in them for goodness sakes! But little by little it happened. And one day I found myself looking forward to that whole wheat bagel. Without the cream cheese. And I don’t miss the kind of bagel I’ve been eating for years! At all!

Back at the store, I picked up some cherries, some grapes, cat food, and then I went in search of whole wheat bagels. Uh uh. Nada, nill, NONE! Seemed to be a lot of cinnamon swirl bagels and “everything” bagels but no whole wheat. I found myself muttering under my breath that “this Dominick's must be the one all the fat people shop at . ..!” Which makes me laugh because I AM one of those.

But when I did not find those whole wheat bagels – I left to checkout with my cherries, my grapes, my cat food – and oh yeah, 2 containers of low fat vanilla yogurt. Not the Staufers french bread pizza I love, or my white bread onion bagels or even a candy bar. I am amazed.

I have not totally changed, I had a wonderful honey mustard chicken sub recently, and some Chinese food another day, but when I have those things – they are a treat, not my every day meals. Tomorrow I will have my whole wheat bagel (my last one) for breakfast with my tea. Mid-morning I will either have cherries or grapes, lunch will be a salad with cucumber, carrots, tomato, and chicken, and then mid- afternoon I will probably have some yogurt. Dinner may just be some more fruit. Or maybe some green beans with fat free ranch dressing . . yum! Who said that?? (looking behind me) That is just NOT something I would have said 6 months ago. I think I’m proud of myself!

I’m behaving, really.

The girl at work I share my office room with, has a garden. You know what that means. I am threatened with bodily harm if I do not eat her produce. On Tuesday she gave me a zucchini and 2 little yellow squash. Squashes? Anyway.

Wednesday morning: “Beej, did you cook the zucchini and the squash?”

“No Joan, I haven’t. I will, don’t worry.”

This morning: “Beej, did you cook it yet?”

“No Joan, I didn’t.”

About a half hour later of things totally unrelated to vegetables: “Beej?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t wait too long to cook it, you know it will start to get ..”

“I know Joan. I have dealt with vegetables before.

“Okay.”

There is a half wall between us so I don’t see her as she is admonishing me about not wasting the precious vegetables grew with the sweat of her – uh – I don’t want to know where she sweats. But something she doesn’t remember – I DIDN’T ASK FOR THE VEGETABLES!!!!

So I cooked them tonight. See to me, zucchini and squash (except acorn squash that you bake with a ton of butter and brown sugar) are fairly tasteless. So basically – it was about what I could add to not only make them tasty – but to make them TASTE. Like ANYTHING.

A little olive oil, garlic and onion (powder) bread crumbs and parmesan cheese did the trick. And after I took the pictures I actually ate some. Not bad!

Oh - threw some tomato slices in for color. I LIKE color. I bet you couldn't tell.

Not liking this one bit!

Went to the doctor today. I was actually kind of looking forward to this visit because last time I thought my doc was going to hit the ceiling when I casually asked him "so, how are you going to like working for the government?" Let's just say he and I have differing political views. So this time I wanted to find out what he thought about this healthcare plan that is being proposed. I told him - you should probably take my blood pressure BEFORE we talk about this . . .


Speaking of blood pressure . . . oh I'm sly, aren't I? Yeah, so after eating all the fruit and salads and sticks and stones (that's whole grains for normal people) my blood pressure is still high. My doc took my pressure on both arms which he's never done before, and spent a lot of time listening to my heart. Then he went and wrote in my chart with this concerned look on his face. Normally he has a "what kind of smart ass comment can I make NOW" look on his puss.

THIS PISSES ME OFF!!!!

My dad developed diabetes later in life. Then he had high blood pressure. Then he had a stroke, then another one, and then he died. UGH. I am not ready to face mortality right now. I mean c'mon! I lost some weight, not enough - but some. I've been eating well. Better than well. And I still have high blood pressure. And I could tell too. Again the big problem - not enough exercise. I have not been consistent about it at all. The doc doubled the dose on the water pill I'm taking and ordered blood work.

THIS MAKES ME SO MAD!! So, what am I going to DO about it? Because I'm the only one that can change anything. What the hell is it going to take??

**Certainly not that bowl of mac n' cheese I just ate to make me feel better. :(

I had a dream . . .

Not my real salad, mine was mostly gone!!
I woke up this morning in the midst of a dream, a dream where I was going place to place and there was always food involved somehow. At the cleaners when I went into my purse there was a BLT tucked in there, the whole sandwich with no plastic wrap, no napkin, it was just tucked in behind my wallet. Looked yummy! And then I walked past a storefront I think was an ice cream shop and I spotted bags of cotton candy up on the wall. I think Ashton Kucher was behind the counter which was weird, but I managed to get my hands on some cotton candy and I left. My next stop is kind of hazy but wherever it was it involved buttered toast. Hmmm...

Had the day off work so I slept late and shortly after I had my whole wheat bagel and tea for breakfast, my BF showed up with grocery bags. He proceeded into the kitchen where he grabbed a big bowl and proceeded to make the biggest fruit salad I have ever seen! He cut up watermelon, cantaloupe, cherries he pitted, whole nectarines he cut up with the skin, strawberries, grapes, plums and honestly I don't know what else. Not only did he cut it all up by himself, he did it twice as fast as I would have, and with half the mess! Amazing!!

We carried the bowl into the living room and shared it with 2 forks while we watched TV. I was surprised how much of it we ate! Soo-o-o-o .. I dream about cotton candy and bacon and butter, and my BF brings me a ton of stuff I SHOULD be eating. You don't think he could be spying on my dreams, could he??

Looking for . . .

Breakfast on the go. Recipes. I know breakfast is important and I do eat it every day. But it
usually consists of a whole wheat bagel with some cheese, and some fruit. And tea. Tea is always my morning drink. Anyway, I've been looking at recipes for mini fritattas that look pretty good, and some egg in pita combos that you can freeze and pop in the microwave. Now that's for me! I could pretend it's fast food and pretend I'm being bad! I'm thinking of incorporating some eggs, onions, low fat cheese, some meat - whether that's a bit of lunch meat or boca sausage - I don't know. Maybe some spinach - I'm looking for some variety.

I have less than zero when it comes to time in the morning. But I think I'm going to try making some mini spinach fritattas and some scrambled egg and who knows what - pitas - and freezing them. I have a refrigerator and a microwave about 5 feet from my desk at work so it's no hardship to heat something up. Or - if I get it ready the night before I can fill a ramekin with tomatoes, onions, a bit of cooked ham or bacon and maybe some cut up pieces of toast (okay maybe a small cereal bowl) and some low fat cheese - I can seal it up and bring an egg with me that I can crack onto the top of all that once I get to work and cook it in the micro. Hmmmm.

I have to remember to make sure I have whole grains and protein in the morning, I need to have things from the different food groups in order to keep my sugar levels - well - level! Anybody have any good and quick ideas for a healthy breakfast on the go? I have not moved into the realm of smoothies yet, so lets skip that category for now. But anything else? I can use all the help I can get.

Moving on . .

I will let that post stand on the other blog. My bad day rant. This post should be titled: Why I Walk. I mean - I'm not totally in the habit yet, but walking has always been my best form of exercise. It takes no special equipment or coordination. Good thing too. There have only been 2 times in my life where I lost a lot of weight. During my divorce the weight just fell off me. I loved the weight loss, hated the emotions causing all of it.

The second time was during a previous relationship - things weren't good and this guy kept me unbalanced all the time, never let me know where I stood and somehow made his failings my fault. And he lied. About everything. It got to the point where I had so much anger and confusion and turmoil roiling around inside of me that I would come home from work, change my clothes and literally burst out the door to walk for an hour or more. Fast. It was the only way to get the demons out, and to keep from losing my ever lovin' mind.

I wasn't in a good way.

But at 40 I was putting on a 2 piece bathing suit because of it so that made me happy!

And now? There is a girl I see on one of the side streets I drive down on my way to work in the morning. I noticed her in the fall. She was walking in the direction I was driving, with a purposeful stride and what looked like a laptop bag strapped across her body. She didn't quite look young enough to be a high school student. Was she a college student? She was always dressed casually. Every day I would see her and would make those little unbidden mental notes people do and I remember thinking "she's a little chubby." It wasn't a condemnation, it was more an observation, and sometimes I wondered if maybe she was athletic and was more muscular than chubby. Whatever, it really didn't matter to me.

She walked through the fall, the winter, the spring, and I've seen her all along. I guess I didn't think about her anymore other than "oh there's the girl." Until it got warm out. I happened to notice her one morning and I thought - "she must be down 2 pants sizes!" Then I started watching for her for a few days, just to see if it was the clothes, the lack of a jacket, or something other than losing weight. Whatever - she is recognizably thinner.

And I started to think - she did that by walking every morning, and I have no doubt every afternoon as well. Just walking to and from - wherever she goes. And I also wonder - was this her aim - or did she have to walk and weight loss is just a consequence. Who knows! But I realized that I could get out there and walk again. I haven't done it much at all since I broke my ankle on an ill-conceived February fog-walk. That was 10 years ago. Admittedly my ankle doesn't work quite as well as it used to, I don't know whether that is because of the metal in it - or because I'm 50. Doesn't matter. It works well enough.

When I've gone out there recently - it has felt good. Real good. It's worked before, and it's the only form of exercise I have ever stuck with for any length of time. Yes the Wii is fun, I will still do that. I will still eat well. And I'd really like to do yoga when I get rid of some of this uncomfortable belly fat. But for right now the goal is to get a walking routine down. I've been doing a mile and a half. Right now - that's good. I'm hoping to build up to more.

Maybe next time I see the girl I should wave, smile, or give her a thumbs up. She has no idea what she's done but she has inspired me.

Donut holes make everything better, don't they?

Crap day at work. One of those days when you are crazy busy but at the end of it feel like you've been running in place all day and haven't moved forward at all. Toward the end of the day a co-worker came to visit my little cubby/office/room to tell me he had just resigned. Circumstances beyond his control forced his hand, and he is leaving. Forces having nothing to do with work. Suffice it to say he does not want to leave but his personal life requires him to right now.

ANYWAY! Can't I ever use just a couple of words? No. I should be used to my wordiness by now. So he came to tell me he was leaving and it made me very sad. Not only is he leaving, but tomorrow is his last day!

Have you ever had a new person start in your office, who you just knew was not going to fit in? And conversely, someone new who seemed to fill a gap you didn't know you had and just "got you" right from the get-go? Yeah, that's him. The 2nd one. A twinkle in his eye and fancy square toed shoes, a Latin dancer with a heart of gold. I will miss him bunches.

As I was talking to this guy/co-worker/friend - my brother called and left a message on my phone. My brother lives in New Jersey, and my mom lives with him. He is actually ill himself, but my mother wanted to live with "a man in the house" because you know, if the hot water heater goes out, he will know what to do. I didn't say it made sense.

He told me that mom has been falling down on a daily basis and she is starting to hurt herself. It's getting to the point that when he leaves for work he worries about what he will find when he gets home. It is time to discuss our next step. Brother #1 told me that brother #2 is visiting him and Mom right now, and apparently does not want to talk about "the next step. He says "oh but she'll be sad, she'll get depressed . . " and is coming up with all kinds of reasons not to even think about her living anywhere but where she is now. Considering HE lives in Seattle - all the freaking way across the country - it's easy for him to sit in his home thinking (hoping, wishing) that my mom is just fine alone all day when in reality she is probably going bing! bing! BING! And ricocheting around brother #1's house all day like it's a pinball machine.

Here's the kicker - brother #2? - he's actually the oldest of us. Eldest? Whatever. He is 60 years old and he wants to sit back and just imagine his mother is the same woman she always was. Well she's not. Time to grow up. Believe me, I would love to think my mom was aging gracefully and will be able to take care of herself until the day she dies. But it's not happening that way and we all have to put our big kid panties on and deal with it. It's irresponsible to ignore the fact that she may fall down, hurt herself, and could possibly have to lay in the same spot for hours until my brother gets home from work. Something she fears a lot, something happening and no one being there to help. She has her button - she can push it and get help fairly quickly, but it's simply getting to the point where she needs more than a button. We. Have. To. Address. It. Not a single one of us can stay home all day and take care of her. And not a single one of us is married (anymore) either. Hmmm, can you say dysfunctional?

So - I had to stop and pick up a prescription on my way home, and who can blame me for picking up some donut holes? Um. . . and a BabyRuth. That's it, I swear. But I AM going for a walk tonight. I'm an emotional eater, my weight is doomed.

I'm cross-posting this on my regular blog, by the way. Some may say this post probably would have fit there better anyway, but I hadn't posted here in a week and I DID mention my weight so I thought it fit here too. It's a stretch, but it's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Just been floating . . .

Haven't been paying attention to my weight, or at least - trying not to. Just trying to eat better (except for today, ahem). Trying very hard to continue my trend toward reaching for the healthy choices as opposed to the high fat and high sugar foods I have always eaten.


I tell you what, when I don't eat well anymore, I pay for it. Let me put it delicately - my GI tract doesn't welcome back the foods I have eaten for years. It rejects them. Vehemently. It's pretty amazing how things like IBS, which I have suffered from since I was a teenager, can be controlled to a great extent by eating healthy and natural foods! I can't believe I'm saying this. It sounds like someone else speaking. Again, it's a mindset.


But as I mentioned - today I didn't follow my own advice. It was spa day (I say that like it's a regular thing! It's not!) and my daughter and I spent the afternoon getting manicures and pedicures and pampering ourselves. When we came home she was running out the door so I decided if we weren't going to have time to go to dinner too - (not said with a pout even if it sounds like it) I would still indulge and ordered some Chinese food. Mm-m-m-m ..... How my belly reacts tomorrow remains to be seen!

Brain school

I wrote on my regular blog (is this one irregular?) or maybe I should say my original blog, about doing Wii Fit today. It was quite fun actually, I was surprised. I created my own little Mii character that got chubby when it figured my weight and BMI and declared me obese. That wasn't the best feeling, but it didn't berate me or make me feel stupid, so it wasn't too bad.

First I did some Wii sports, a bit of tennis and bowling, and then on to the Wii fit. The stepping was funny, they have these little Mii characters as if we're all in a step aerobics class together and you can follow them - or the foot-print diagram that scrolls down the center of the screen. I found I could not do it at ALL if I tried to follow the foot-prints. But when I watched the Mii on the right I did pretty well. I did better front to back than side to side. It was fun, I was laughing at myself and I did it several times. The hula-hooping is a bit weird but I tell you what - you use more stomach muscles and leg muscles than you would think. In the running I was queen, I got 4 stars and a crown, and I beat my 23 year old daughter's score. SCORE!!

If I keep eating the way I have been, and actually do some Wii and maybe some walking besides, I just might be able to pull this off. Slowly. You don't keep it off if you lose it too fast so my plan is to concentrate more on what I am doing for my health with diet and exercise, and have the weight loss be the lovely side-effect. BONUS! Just trying to change the mind-set again. It's all about my brain. I always thought it was all about the food, all about the exercise. It's all about my brain.

I must retrain the brain!

One foot in front of the other . .

Yesterday, not such a good day. Bad day at work on Friday, hit a bump with the boyfriend, 5-minute chocolate cake called my name.

What surprised me was hopping right back on the right road this morning. Had some peanut butter toast for breakfast with lots of sticks and stones, and later - lunch/dinner - sweet potato and green beans with almonds and FF ranch dressing. My hours are bad on the weekend so my mealtimes get kind of squished together. But I'm still not in a good mood so to instinctively reach for healthier stuff today is a wonderful thing.

My butt muscles hurt!

 

One day playing Wii tennis and I’m sore.  Not as sore as I thought I might be but still sore.  Won’t be long now till I look like this!!!

 

 

Yeah.  Right.    

A tennis player I'm not.

But I stayed in a Holiday Inn Express last night . . .!

Ahem. My son and I set up our new Wii last night. He started testing out the games that came with it, the sports - tennis,bowling,baseball, somethin', somethin' else. He was enjoying himself last night so I never tried it. My theory here is - I'm going to treat it like a game. None of it is working out, that has the word "work" in it. It's fun!

So tonight I decided to try some games. I have opened Wii Fit but it is still in the box. Taking this slow so it's enjoyable. I bowled for a bit and that was okay. I created a "Mii" character so it looks like me, um . . . yeah. Then I played tennis. And I played more tennis. And before I knew it - 45 minutes had gone by, I literally had sweat dripping into my eyes, and my heart rate was up. But I didn't feel like I was exercising. It. Was. FUN!!! And the sweat dripping into my eyes had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that is was about 85 degrees and humid in my house. Nothing at all.

Okay so I suck at tennis. But I kept trying and actually won a couple of games. And I found myself acting like I was playing tennis for real - shifting my weight from foot to foot waiting for the guy to serve, moving from side to side in anticipation of where the ball was going to go, etc. And it's pretty funny watching my funny chubby little Mii doing a face plant trying to hit a ball that was obviously out of reach. I guess my little Mii is more like me than I thought.

So it's a good thing I enjoyed it. I'm hoping to do a lot more of this so I can keep myself from sitting on the couch as much as I do now! And I WILL get to the Wii Fit. I will. I promise.

Maybe I'm a pod person!

I didn't think it was unusual to have a baked sweet potato with a side of green beans for dinner a couple nights ago. When I stopped at the store to pick up some bread - wanted a snack and instead of chocolate or Good n' Plenty, I bought nuts and dates. It is becoming more natural to reach for the natural as opposed to the processed, fresh as opposed to frozen. RAW even. I wasn't raised this way. I didn't raise my kids this way (sorry kids!).

It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's a freaking way of life.

Is it possible that this becomes easier? Is it possible I am being dragged into the world of real food kicking and screaming, but I'm getting there? Is it possible I am getting used to it? Nah! I wouldn't go that far yet. We are talking about 50 years of - if it is tasty - I will eat it. 50 years of - if it is convenient - I will eat it. And let us not forget 50 years of - if it is fast - I will eat it. Lord I have to have learned something in all those years!!!

And I've been drinking more water too. Go figure.

90% emotional, 10% physical

For some unknown reason I was reading the "about me" text in my sidebar. That name - Ken Cooper, always jumps out at me. Kids are cruel and they have no idea what their words can do, especially to a kid that was insecure to begin with. That incident occurred shortly after my parents divorced. It was 1972 I believe, and none of my friend's parents were divorced. Once my parents sat me down and told me it was going to happen, we never talked about it again. I don't even know how my friends found out because I don't remember telling them.

My dad got remarried before the divorce was even final, and I found out when I was riding in the car with him and his wife - when in conversation with her - he referred to her as his wife. Thanks for telling me Dad. On the night my parents told me about the divorce my dad came into my bedroom where I had retreated and I remember him sitting on the edge of my bed and telling me he'd still be my dad and he'd come see me and we'd do things together. Well that didn't last long. Especially after he got remarried. I was always a Daddy's girl and I couldn't understand why he didn't come to see me. I was too big to sit on his lap anymore, but he promised to come see me. Didn't he?

So in 7th grade I had a lot of things I was dealing with. Not that Ken Cooper knew that. But I never teased him about having a silver front tooth after he had almost knocked his tooth out on the metal monkey bars on the playground a few years earlier. Why did he have to tease me?

Okay, I'm an adult now. I cannot blame Ken Cooper or my Dad for my weight. Or my ex husband or last boyfriend or a friend who betrayed me. I have to blame me and I have to get a handle on it. But I have a feeling that for me - I need to work on the emotional aspect of this problem way more than anything else. That's what is making this so hard for me.

I hope that doesn't sound like an excuse because when it comes down to it - that's my reality.

Out of control

5 MINUTE CHOCOLATE MUG CAKE

4 tablespoons flour
4 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons cocoa
1 egg
3 tablespoons milk
3 tablespoons oil
3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional)
A small splash of vanilla extract
1 large coffee mug (MicroSafe)

Add dry ingredients to mug, and mix well. Add the egg and mix thoroughly.
Pour in the milk and oil and mix well..
Add the chocolate chips (if using) and vanilla extract, and mix again.
Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts.
The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed!
Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired.
EAT ! (this can serve 2 if you want to feel slightly more virtuous).
And why is this the most dangerous cake recipe in the world?
Because now we are all only 5 minutes away from chocolate cake at any time of the day or night!



Oh yes I did. Sigh-h . . .

Acupuncture, maybe?

While sitting at my desk at work going along with my usual business, I realized I was looking forward to eating my lunch. I found myself looking at the clock to see what time it was, if it was too early or if I could eat yet.

Then I realized, I wasn't hungry.

That didn't totally startle me but it did upset me a bit when I also realized I was craving something. I wasn't sure what it was but there was a craving that my mind was leading to my lunch to fulfill.

I wanted a cigarette.



Is it possible that after 6 or 7 years I still may be craving cigarettes? I know I smoked for a long time, and when someone is smoking near me sometimes I don't mind it at all - dare I say - it smells good to me? It's already been established pretty definitely that I am an emotional eater. I reward myself for good things with food. I console myself for bad things, with food. If I'm bored, food is my friend. But cigarettes? I have not consciously recognized a craving for a cigarette in a long time.

Geez, I think I'm going to have to get my head shrunk to lose weight! But no, then I'll just be a fat girl with a tiny head! Not the look I'm going for.

Just more stuff to think about.

** spunkysuzi - not sure why you are having trouble adding to your reader, I DO notice that the feeds symbol is not up in the address bar like it is for my other blogs, but I can't seem to figure it out. I'm really persistent about figuring things out so I am still looking at it. :)
Still - you should be able to add my feed to your google reader manually - hope it works!

Feed URL:

http://fattofifty.blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default

Mmmm ... BabyRuth...

I'm trying to get past my tantrum. I certainly know that I am looking at this in a way that is not productive. I need to stop seeing it as a diet and start looking at it as a ... wait for it ... LIFESTYLE CHANGE (spoken in loud, low, stentorian tones). Sigh. I hate that phrase.

I am not patient. That's the main reason I go back to my bad habits quickly when the good ones don't work fast enough (read - BabyRuths 3 days in a row). I have been putting a lot of effort into eating the right things, making sure I eat the right things together and eating at the right times so I keep a level sugar balance all day and I don't have the ups and the downs like I always have. To me this. is. work. It is something I am totally unaccustomed to and I find it to be difficult. So when I don't get the desired results quickly enough I turn into a 4 year old, stamping my feet and saying "I don't care! Doesn't matter anyway!" And start reaching for the nearest candy bar.

Maybe I need to reevaluate what result I am looking for. Is it only weight loss? No, it's more than that. But weight loss to me is HUGE. Pardon the HUGENESS. My blood pressure is a bit high? My doctor says "you can control it by losing weight." My glucose is high? My doctor says "you can control it by losing weight." My cholesterol, my triglycerides are high and my doctor says "you can control it by losing weight." So it's not just looking cute again that's important. Although I'm not sure "cute" applies when you're 50. Still, it IS important to me. And apparently just eating the right foods is not going to make me healthy until I also lose weight.

So what now? I haven't been exercising as much as I should. UGH. There. I said it. I KNOW! I KNOW!!! Do I have any volunteers to do it FOR me???

Is it possible I'm eating too many sticks and stones and vegetables and fruit? Maybe I need to walk 4.2 miles a day and only eat bird seed. And no, I'm not bitter. (queue maniacal laughter)

Why is this such an issue for me?? This is the one area in my life where I cannot get control, cannot wrap my arms around it and make it be what I want it to be. That's a very uncomfortable feeling.

So.

Here is the question. If I am eating this,

..and this,

..and this...

..and this...

..and this

...and I can still be fat, and I can still not lose weight ...

why wouldn't I just eat this?

..and this...

..and this...

..and this...

..and this!!!!

I mean, really.

I don't have a hell of a lot of patience.