So.

I saw my doctor yesterday. He wasn't sure I would qualify for lap band surgery, my particular insurance is hard to convince.  But then he reviewed my blood work, my weight, the diabetes, some mild sleep apnea and now diabetic neuropathy, and said I actually should qualify.  I wanted to make sure he was on board because even though this isn't his expertise - he is the doctor I've been seeing for the last 20 years and he knows me the best.

He also agrees that I only have so many years of "cute" left.  The jerk.  :)

So on Monday I believe, I will make contact with the doctor my doc recommended.  I will have to go to the seminar, a psychologist or some such doc, do a few back flips and learn to eat fire, and then I can have the surgery.  I will do whatever it takes - now that I have made this decision.  As of right now, all systems are go!

Tired of hiding

It's SNOWING outside, one of those snows where everyone on the road slows down and drives safely and everybody prays that one stupid jerk doesn't try to whip around a corner and kill us all!  I enjoy this kind of snow though, the big fat, fluffy flakes that just keep coming and coming ... all day. and all night.  Woo hoo!  But then, I have 4 wheel drive on my girl's suv.

Not me

Regardless of whether there was snow or not, I needed to stop at Walgreen's to pick up a few prescriptions.  Sitting at the drive-though I could see the customer standing at the counter inside.  My old boyfriend.  And I mean OLD.  He was kind of my second boyfriend really, I was 18 and he was 23.  But now I'm 51 and he's 56 and he looks old!  We both pretended we had not seen each other, and I pretended I wasn't hiding behind the raised collar of my coat.  Cold weather and high collars cover double chins quite nicely actually.

But they can't make me feel any better about doing it.

I've never been like that.  I've always wanted to see people from previous times in my life, loved to see where they had gone, catch up on what they had done, etc.  Not anymore.  Now it's more likely I'd be ducking or turning away because it seems everyone I run into these days is from at least 50 pounds ago.  Ugh.  Intolerable.  Now that I have made the decision to have the surgery if I can, it can't happen soon enough for me.  I hate this feeling.  I hate ducking almost as much as I hate the double chin.

Waiting for a new day!

This is not enjoyable.

Anyone who knows me knows how much I love Christmas and especially - my Christmas tree.  But this year, decorating it has not been enjoyable.  This is the first time in my life that I feel uncomfortable moving around the tree, bending and reaching, going through the boxes and methodically bringing my tree to life.

I am literally physically uncomfortable because of my weight.  Not good.  So much has happened since I wrote last, my eating habits went totally off the rails again and then my mom passed away.  Eating right has just not been a priority.  But now I feel my toes burning a lot.  Well, not exactly burning, but the sensation is similar to being out in the cold and coming into the warmth and your toes kind of tingling and burning a bit as they warm up.  But mine feel that way for no apparent reason and I am afraid it is the diabetes.

How people continue with the struggle to lose weight, I just don't know.  When you have been heavy, your body wants to stay heavy.  You gain weight more quickly when you fall off the wagon than someone who never been overweight.  I am tired of the struggle.  Truly.

There is a girl I work with - Renee - we are in different states but we work together and she made the decision to see if she could be approved for the lapband.  She is in much the same situation that I am - neither one of us has a high enough BMI to qualify with that alone.  But both of us have the diabetes factor, and she has hypertension as well.  Those things allow someone who is not quite morbidly obese still qualify (by insurance standards) for the surgery.  I have decided to do it.

Renee and I are going to do it together, albeit in different places, but we will go through the process together and be supportive of one another.  We have both taken the first step of signing up for seminars and making appointments to see our doctors.

It's not just that I'm frustrated, although I am.  It's not just that I'm tired of the struggle, although I am.  It's not even simply because I hate being fat, although I am.  I am afraid of the diabetes but more than that - I am frightened of having a stroke.  My dad had 2 strokes, and that is what killed him.  He became diabetic probably 10 years before he died and even though he was taking better care of himself, losing weight and exercising, he still had his strokes.  I am about 10 years ahead of my dad in terms of what age he was diagnosed with diabetes.  And I take after my dad's side of the family in terms of body type, much more so than my mom's.  And it terrifies me.

It's usually about a 6 month process to get approved for the procedure and for me - the decision was a big part of it.  But now it's like Nike - it's time to just do it.

Triglycerides are within range!

Yay! Triglycerides were bad a while back and now they are much better. But my glucose, my Hemoglobin A1C and my estimated average glucose - none were good. And my Cardio CRP! Not good either. Haven't had anything to write about here, I have been so busy taking care of my mom and trying to keep everything together.

SO - to heck with being fat - tonight I am shamelessly using and abusing this blog by trying out an Etsy tool I found where I can display it like a magazine. It's pretty cool but I want to see how it looks on my blog. On any blog for that matter. So please bare with my experiment. Thank you!!

It's really hard to situate this thing. To make it small enough it makes the print hard to read. And if I center it - it gets cut off on the right. When I move it to the left - it's actually more in the center. Weird.

Oh well. Experiment done. Thank you for your patience.
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I can find any reason!

Why is it I can find any reason to reward myself with food?

Oh I went and spent 3 hours with Mom at the nursing home. I deserve a BK Broiler chicken sandwich. Yeah, I picked up Mom's glasses, dropped off my daughter's phone at her house, and spent the rest of the evening with my mom. Dressed her for bed, gave her her breathing treatment and her meds. Tucked her in.

So yeah, I didn't eat dinner, so don't I deserve to just stop and pick up a meatball sandwich or something?

NO!

I've been giving in to it too much lately. Not good, no more "reward meals". Well, maybe one a week. :) But I need to get back on track even if my schedule is totally off the deep end.

Must. Do. Better.

What do you do with a bunch of asparagus?

I'm not a cook, I've said that many times before. So staring at a bunch of fresh asparagus I didn't feel like roasting - I was at a loss. Yay interwebs!! I searched, found a recipe and made a frittata. And surprise, surprise - it was good!

Veggies simply aren't my favorite, but in order to keep my diabetes under control and to lose weight, I need to find a way to get more vegetables and fiber into my diet. And what can go wrong with eggs and cheese? Actually, nothing did. Even though you start a frittata in a frying pan and transfer the pan to the broiler, and I didn't know if my pan was oven-safe, it was okay. And I didn't have the kind of cheese the recipe called for and no fresh cilantro. I wouldn't know what fresh cilantro looked like if it jumped up and called my name. Still - I was impressed with my effort. Looks yummy, doesn't it? It was!

On another note - I've reached a milestone with my weight that I haven't seen in 4 years. I still have a long way to go but cutting out sugar and adding lots of fiber, fruits and vegetables has slowly been taking weight off.

Last doctor's visit he said if my glucose averages keep up the way they have been and I keep losing weight - he'll be able to take me off the diabetes meds. Best news I've had in a long time!

So yeah, I'll find ways to cook a bunch of asparagus if it keeps me headed in the right direction and on the road I need to be on.

Asparagus & Jack Cheese Frittata

I'm all about the fiber

Ever since the big diabetes diagnosis I have been messing with my diet to try to achieve good numbers and better health. And so far it really does seem to be a huge balancing act. But one thing that helps a lot is fiber. Fiber in fresh fruit, fiber in vegetables, fiber in any way I can get it. Of course I do sleep alone, ahem. There ARE side effects.

I eat fiber bars and fiber toaster pastries, as well as yogurt with fiber. I eat a salad almost every day, and the bagels and bread I eat are whole wheat with extra sticks and stones. Don't get me wrong, I am very aware of the carbs and the sugars. But the fiber lessens the effect of those things because it helps glucose to be released into the blood more slowly avoiding the high numbers and spikes. If I eat a fiber bar a couple hours before bed - I usually have better numbers in the morning.

Now these fiber bars and toaster pastries are not nasty tasting with the texture of sawdust. They are chewy, but they also have chocolate or fruit. Being a HUGE lover of sugar, that's a big plus to me.

But really, while I miss candy and cake and sweets in general, I don't miss it as much as I thought I would. Because while I have it in smaller amounts - it's more satisfying because I know the day may come when I can't have it at. But if I continue to eat right and lose weight, as long as I balance what I eat throughout the day - I'm good!

Toward the end of November I bought a jar for sugar. I wanted a vintage glass jar, plain clear glass I could put 5 lbs of sugar in and keep on the kitchen counter. I filled it, jammed a small measuring cup into it and screwed the top on. Next to it is my sugar bowl. I refilled that bowl about every 2 weeks on the outside. Maybe sooner. Every morning when I was pouring water into my travel mugs for tea - there were also 2 teaspoons of sugar in each cup. 4 teaspoons didn't seem like much to me.

I was diagnosed at the beginning of December and I had yet to refill my sugar bowl or use any sugar from the jar. I just took this picture tonight. Same jar, same sugar, same sugar bowl. I haven't refilled the the sugar bowl once. Not one single time. 3 months later and the jar is still full. I guess I thought I was using that sugar for more than just my tea but apparently not. By now that jar should be half empty if I was using the sugar I used to. And it was only my morning cup and the cup I carried into work with me every day. Simply didn't feel like it was that much.

It wasn't that long ago that I was totally off the wagon. It was running over me and backing up and doing it again. I was eating every fast food in my vicinity and not monitoring portions or calories. Back on the wagon feels good. And the wagon does include Taco Bell. Not every day but I have it if I want it. Then I eat something I SHOULD eat to balance it out. I'm not beating myself up when I have something questionable, instead I'm trying to keep moving forward and fine tuning what works for me and what doesn't.

Easter and Halloween may be difficult but I'm optimistic. There are some wonderful sugar-free chocolates out there, and like the chocolate covered strawberries I had on Valentine's Day are just plain worth. Besides - Strawberries are very high in fiber!! :)

Hi, nice to see you!

It's March! I haven't been here, have I? Hmmm. I needed to stop freaking out about food and try to sort out what affected my glucose numbers and what didn't. I guess I've learned I can compromise some.

I had a cannoli tonight. Without guilt and not as an act of rebellion. If I'm eating enough veggies and fiber, I allow myself something special like a cannoli oh, and pizza. It's smaller changes that are helping.

Not putting sugar in my tea.

Drinking green tea.

Drinking no pop with sugar,

Having no candy bars or boxes of Good n' Plenty I love to get when I stop at Walgreen's.

When I DO eat pizza I get the thinnest crust I can.

When I eat bread I make sure it has extra sticks and stones in it.

Eating tuna salad or egg salad without the bread.

If I have sugar free cookies or chocolate I really eat small portions because there are carbs. But it gives me a sweet treat now and then.

There is a refrigerated pudding - not sure which one - but it is sugar free Dulce e de Leche pudding and it is awesome.

If I eat pasta, it's whole wheat. I eat fiber bars and pour fiber into my Crystal Light, which I LOVE.

I try to balance the carbs with the veggies and stuff.

Packing my lunch every day is good because it's strictly what I pack - no trips to the machines in the lunch room.

And with foods I might want to eat too much off - like pasta or pizza - I eat it on a small plate and then make myself wait about 10 minutes before I go back for another portion. It helps.

It's getting to be a way of life I guess. I don't feel entirely deprived, I still have a real piece of dark chocolate now and then, but only a nugget size, not a whole candy bar. And on my daughter's birthday I had pineapple upside down cake I had made and IT. WAS. AWESOME.

So I'm learning the hard way, the way I learn everything else.

7 pounds in 3 months? Wow, pretty slow. But - it's one foot in front of the other right?

Using vegetables and yummy in the same sentence,

Oh goodness, I haven't posted anything here since last year. Probably because I'm not thinking as much about losing weight as I am trying to get my sugar down. On the other hand, if I lost weight my sugar WOULD go down. It's become very obvious that I'm a carb addict and oh boy do I have a sweet tooth. Why would those wonderful things be put on the earth if we weren't meant to consume them? I'm just not a vegetable kind of gal. But tonight, I did eat this.


My daughter has been telling me how good roasted vegetables are. The vegetables in my life have usually been frozen, preferably with some kind of yummy sauce. I could not imagine cutting up some veggies, tossing them with a bit of olive oil and salt and pepper and simply roasting them in then oven could possibly be good.

Color me wrong. Yummy! For the record I roasted potatoes (skins left on), sweet potatoes (also with the skin), asparagus, carrots, zucchini (with skin), red peppers, and whole cloves of garlic. I had some squash which I forgot to cut up, another day I guess. And yes, the potatoes are carbs but eating them with no added sauce along side other vegetables make them okay. I think. I'm still learning. And next time - I need to have more green vegetables. But all in all, I would recommend this cooking method for vegetables. There's nothing to it and it's surprising good! (from a carb and sugar addict, that's saying something!)