Got up late today . .

not my real salad :)

Not that that's unusual on the weekend. Ate peanut butter and (a little) jelly on whole wheat toast (with big sticks and stones) for breakfast with my tea. Ate some fresh cherries YUM later on and dinner had me eating a huge salad with raw broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, eggs and chicken - oh yeah - lettuce. Used low-fat ranch dressing because I am crazy about ranch dressing all of a sudden. I know it would have been healthier if I had used a vinaigrette or something, but I did enjoy the ranch.

I still need to drink more water - it's just SO boring! But I'm trying. I suppose that's what healthy food IS to me. Boring. I'm used to high fat, high flavor foods I guess. But - I'm working on eating more things that are not processed or "fast". For somebody like me who has eaten badly for damn near 50 years, this is a huge adjustment. And apparently I am moving toward a healthier lifestyle kicking and screaming all the way.

At what point will I grow up, I wonder?

Ye ask ..

. . . and ye shall receive!

THE BOOKS!!!

I finally got the books yesterday. Obviously the one to start with is the that says it's the Complete IDIOT'S Guide - to Glycemic Index Weight Loss. I mean it's a natural fit, ME - and anything that starts with Complete Idiot's Guide. Of course I thumbed through all of them, looked at the pictures, etc. But - I plan to digest (*snort* *digest*) the information slowly. At work all day long I was looking at things like - If R.25 is null, then OBR.04.1 is populated with the value in OBR.26. But if there is a value . . . ugh - it made my brain hurt. It was like Algebra or something! So my job can be intense sometimes, I do believe my eyes twirl on a regular basis.

So given my work day, when I come home I like to relax. My brain, that is. So I will start with the Idiot's guide because it has a lot of explanations and clarifications and hopefully all in idiot form. I want to understand more about what foods are just out and out good, and what foods are okay if eaten with a good food, etc. I need to understand this stuff intuitively so I can start making better food choices without thinking about it.

In the meantime I will keep eating uncomplicated sticks and stones and try to keep it together until I can get more sophisticated in my cooking. I did find a recipe online that looked good to me. Well, maybe except the peppers. And the onions. But I would try them. Okay, maybe I would have to use minced onions, butanyway, what do you think?

10-Minute Marinated Veggie Toss

Serves 6; 1/2 cup per serving

Ingredients
1 14-ounce can quartered artichoke hearts, rinsed and well drained
1/4 medium red bell pepper, thinly sliced
1/4 cup thinly sliced red onion
1/4 cup packed fresh baby spinach leaves, torn if desired
9 small black olives, halved
2 teaspoons cider vinegar
1 1/2 teaspoons sugar
1 teaspoon olive oil
1 medium garlic clove, minced

Directions
In a medium bowl, stir together all the ingredients. Let stand for 10 minutes.

For peak flavors, serve immediately after the standing time.

Cook’s Tip: For additional nutrients and color, spoon the salad onto a bed of spinach leaves.

I DO like vinegar. :)

Sticks and stones and beans

This morning I found myself not wanting to eat, feeling like everything I put in my mouth would probably be wrong. Reading about the glycemic index and what eating by following the index means, I've come to the conclusion that if I eat everything I hate and give up everything I love - I'll be doing good. No more soft white bread, no more bagels made with white flour, if the bread doesn't have sticks and stones in it - it isn't good for me.

Yesterday morning I had eggs and sausage and did not experience the crash I had the day before after eating coffee cake. Today I finally ate some almond slivers meant for salads, and am now eating a whole wheat bagel with peanut butter. Reduced fat peanut butter, I might add. High fiber with protein. Yay me.

I hope my books come soon because I still find this very confusing. You don't want to eat something high on the index all by itself because it will drop sugar into your bloodstream without stopping and collecting 200 dollars. Which will lead to a crash not too long after. You can apparently eat some things that have a high rating, as long as you pair it with something low on the index.

I can't say I understand everything about how it all relates to how the liver and pancreas process things and all the biology involved. But I do get that it's the way people with diabetes need to eat and a way of eating people on the verge of diabetes would be smart to adopt. But I am desperately in need of recipes so I get a better idea of how it all works. I've collected a few but seeing as most of the recipes I have found are not things I would eat - I need a bigger selection.

Being open to the idea of trying different things is great, but beans? Like kidney beans and chickpeas and stuff like that? I understand they are good sources of fiber and protein but omg I hate the texture. I know I'm a big baby but this is going to be a tough road for me.

Oh, and a really big problem? I don't like fish. Highly recommended. Yuk.

I realized today ..

...how great the effect sugar has on my body. I have not received my books yet, it's the longest it's ever taken to get something from Amazon. But this morning I ate some coffee cake. It wasn't ordinary coffee cake. I stopped at the bakery on my way home from work yesterday and I pointed at this wonderful looking confection and asked what it was. The young girl behind the counter said "Oh that's the favorite coffee cake. It's got a chocolate filling and it's frosted with chocolate." Wow. Okay - works for me."

Saturday mornings I make my tea and take it into the living room and drink it while watching the soaps I've recorded during the week. This Saturday I also had coffee cake available. I cut myself a good chunk and as I ate it I was almost regretting the size of the piece because it was so rich. Almost. I still ate it. A bit more slowly, but I still did. You will see me throw broccoli away much more quickly than chocolate.

About an hour later I could barely keep my eyes open. To the point where I ended up laying down for a nap - and for me a nap is usually at least a couple of hours. It's not unusual for me to waste whole days when I don't have to go to work because I get so sleepy I need to lay down. The doctor thought it was because I wasn't sleeping well at night but now - I think he's wrong. There must be a big connection for me between what I eat and my energy levels. Sugar apparently makes me crash. Big. Ugh. The more I learn - the more pissed off I get about this whole aging thing and having to change the way I do things because I've got old muscles or old organs for goodness sakes.

I read a lot today about people who give up sugar entirely and live as free from sweets as possible, even to the point of never even eating fruit that has more natural sugar than others. Sugar and I are so close, we have had such a long and satisfying relationship. I can imagine cutting back but giving it up entirely? I honestly cannot fathom such a thing.

Grasping at straws ..

As much as I'd like to, I'm not sticking that straw into a thick chocolate shake. But I did eat some awesome deep dish Chicago pizza a couple of days ago. I knew I was going to have to give into the gooey cheese craving sooner or later.

I reward myself with food, I comfort myself with food. Rarely do I actually use food to nourish myself. My blood work says I'm pre-diabetic. I read somewhere that pre-diabetic is bullshit, pre-diabetic is diabetic. The damage to the pancreas has already begun.

I got to thinking about it and decided to learn me some about the glycemic index and how someone with diabetes should eat. My doctor just says - lose weight. Yeah. Thanks for the advice. So I ordered myself some books on following the glycemic index in order to eat well, and to learn to cook a diabetic diet. For some reason diabetes confuses me and since I am so close to having it, I had better start treating myself for it, in the only way I can. Diet.

And exercise. I know. For some reason I just seem to have a need for strict guidelines in my life and diet. I am trying desperately to give them to myself.

Considering this magazine - even if only for inspiration.

Wow - gooey cheese ...

The picture below still looks wonderful to me. Che-e-e-e-s-e ... !!! Num! A few months ago I had reached a point where I had never felt quite so out of control with food. I think back to when I was a teenager. I really did only eat when I was hungry for the most part. I was busy. If I was home too long it was - gotta go find something to do - even if it was just going for a walk across town. It's not like I had money to spend or anything. But I think I felt "home" was where you slept, showered, and got ready to go out. Or, "home" was where my friends came, where we pushed towels under the door, opened windows and smoked in my bedroom. We hung out.

Today, "home" is here, now, it's every day. I don't move, I don't go do things. Not even within the house! Man!

So again, I am trying something else (picture one of those old super balls bouncing from 'thing' to 'thing' to the next 'thing'!). My doctor says I am prediabetic. I am almost diabetic. My blood pressure is going up and so is my cholesterol. He hands me a 2 page diabetic diet but there is no information that really helps me coming from him. He just wants me to lose weight because that will fix everything! NO, yeah??? Geez.

What I have chosen to do this time, for this "thing" - is to find out about the gylcemic index and what it means for my health. I ordered a book. Then of course I couldn't let it go with just one book - I also ordered 2 books with diabetic recipes. None of it has be encouraged, I almost feel like I am giving in to something somehow. But - regardless, it's not a fad thing, not a diet pill thing, it's a life change. So far I haven't managed any great life changes recently so we will see.

I remember somebody telling me about smoking, the more times I tried to quit - the more I upped my chance of succeeding. And I did finally succeed. So maybe finding my food/diet thing will work this time. I mean hell - I've tried enough "things" to have success soon I think. I hope.

Have a little cheese with that whine??

Don't mind if I do, actually! I love cheese. Especially melted gooey cheese. Mmm-m-m.

I am frustrated. I was looking at pictures of entertainers, specifically women entertainers after babies. 2 babies, 3? No matter. Flat stomachs, no stretch marks, still sexy and beautiful. And they will say but oh - they work at it! Well yeah. I imagine they work out. With personal trainers and such. But they also have good genes. You cannot tell me that somebody like Angelina Jolie has trouble losing the weight after her babies. I mean - you can tell me that, but I'll call you a liar as quick as look at you.

These women are thin to begin with. What they work at is toning that thinness. I would settle for the thinness. Natural thinness. Never had it. Well, unless you're counting until I was about 8 years old. After that - never naturally thin. That's not to say I was never thin - but it was never natural and it was never lasting.

You have people who want to get in shape so they start running. Start off slow, doing a bit more every week. In a year they are running marathons. That wouldn't happen to me. If there were someone to make me do it every day, I would still never achieve a marathon. I MIGHT get up to a mile without stopping. Maybe. If somebody was pushing me to try every day. But I'm just not athletic. And I'm not buying it that anybody can be athletic.

I remember as a kid, noticing the differences between my body and my best friend Cindy's body. Mine was always rounder and softer and less defined. We were kids - we played outside, we ran and roller skated and played games. We did the same things. But physically - she was always more able than I was. More talented, more coordinated. She had an athletic build.

It used to be that we accepted those differences in people. We understood that no, not everyone can do ANYthing. It's simply not true. But now we say - if you work at it hard enough, you can run a marathon. Anyone can as long as there is no disability. So when that is the belief - conversely - if you can't run a marathon (wear a bikini, have a flat stomach . . .) you just aren't trying hard enough.

It's no wonder that after eating salads and making better food choices for months seems to make no difference - I comfort myself with Taco Bell. The thought process at that point is - well I don't lose weight eating good - why NOT just eat crap? Doesn't matter one way or another anyway!

I know. I know. It's not going to make a difference if I don't get my metabolism going. With Exercise. But it's so HARD to exercise when you're fat. And you know what else? I am whining about it and I don't care who thinks it's pathetic or that I'm lazy or whatever. I'm just so worn out from trying.

Doesn't mean I'll give up but for today - I just want to cry
about it.

A bit tired

..of the same ol' same ol'. Here are my lunch ingredients, yes, it's the salad stuff I've shown before. I'm not tired of the salads, I really enjoy my salads which last year I was calling "grass". As in - if I go out to dinner I don't want to have a bowl of grass! My epiphany was Paul Newmans Ranch dressing. It's not what I am using on a day to day basis. I actually bought some - Kraft (I think) ranch fat free dressing and some lowfat ranch - and mixed them. So I'm using almost fat free ranch dressing.

I remember that day - going through the drive-thru at McDonalds and deciding to have a cheeseburger and a side salad. You know, healthy up my MackyDs. I hadn't thought about dressing so when they asked what kind I wanted - ranch kind of flew out of my mouth and I have no idea why.

So I brought my healthier than normal McDonalds dinner home. Hm, Paul Newmans dressing, never had the ranch before. OMG. It was amazing! I still can't pinpoint what it was - God knows Hidden Valley Ranch was HUGE when I was growing up so it's not like I'd never had ranch before. But this was awesome ranch! Right then I decided I must have salads and I must have ranch dressing. So for the last couple of months almost every work day I have been eating a salad for lunch with ranch dressing. And I've been enjoying the hell out of them! I've been bringing fresh fruit with me - oranges or apples - bananas -and yogurt. Sometimes olives. My lunches have been healthy. And when I eat dinner - it's been healthier too, by virtue of the fact that I'm not eating as much processed food.

But damn it! I have to exercise. I love my new machine, but I am so tired when I come home from work that I usually don't manage it. So, on nights like these I just try to move around more and not spend the whole evening in front of this computer. UGH!!!

I hate it when I am disappointed in myself.