I’m behaving, really.

The girl at work I share my office room with, has a garden. You know what that means. I am threatened with bodily harm if I do not eat her produce. On Tuesday she gave me a zucchini and 2 little yellow squash. Squashes? Anyway.

Wednesday morning: “Beej, did you cook the zucchini and the squash?”

“No Joan, I haven’t. I will, don’t worry.”

This morning: “Beej, did you cook it yet?”

“No Joan, I didn’t.”

About a half hour later of things totally unrelated to vegetables: “Beej?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t wait too long to cook it, you know it will start to get ..”

“I know Joan. I have dealt with vegetables before.

“Okay.”

There is a half wall between us so I don’t see her as she is admonishing me about not wasting the precious vegetables grew with the sweat of her – uh – I don’t want to know where she sweats. But something she doesn’t remember – I DIDN’T ASK FOR THE VEGETABLES!!!!

So I cooked them tonight. See to me, zucchini and squash (except acorn squash that you bake with a ton of butter and brown sugar) are fairly tasteless. So basically – it was about what I could add to not only make them tasty – but to make them TASTE. Like ANYTHING.

A little olive oil, garlic and onion (powder) bread crumbs and parmesan cheese did the trick. And after I took the pictures I actually ate some. Not bad!

Oh - threw some tomato slices in for color. I LIKE color. I bet you couldn't tell.

Not liking this one bit!

Went to the doctor today. I was actually kind of looking forward to this visit because last time I thought my doc was going to hit the ceiling when I casually asked him "so, how are you going to like working for the government?" Let's just say he and I have differing political views. So this time I wanted to find out what he thought about this healthcare plan that is being proposed. I told him - you should probably take my blood pressure BEFORE we talk about this . . .


Speaking of blood pressure . . . oh I'm sly, aren't I? Yeah, so after eating all the fruit and salads and sticks and stones (that's whole grains for normal people) my blood pressure is still high. My doc took my pressure on both arms which he's never done before, and spent a lot of time listening to my heart. Then he went and wrote in my chart with this concerned look on his face. Normally he has a "what kind of smart ass comment can I make NOW" look on his puss.

THIS PISSES ME OFF!!!!

My dad developed diabetes later in life. Then he had high blood pressure. Then he had a stroke, then another one, and then he died. UGH. I am not ready to face mortality right now. I mean c'mon! I lost some weight, not enough - but some. I've been eating well. Better than well. And I still have high blood pressure. And I could tell too. Again the big problem - not enough exercise. I have not been consistent about it at all. The doc doubled the dose on the water pill I'm taking and ordered blood work.

THIS MAKES ME SO MAD!! So, what am I going to DO about it? Because I'm the only one that can change anything. What the hell is it going to take??

**Certainly not that bowl of mac n' cheese I just ate to make me feel better. :(

I had a dream . . .

Not my real salad, mine was mostly gone!!
I woke up this morning in the midst of a dream, a dream where I was going place to place and there was always food involved somehow. At the cleaners when I went into my purse there was a BLT tucked in there, the whole sandwich with no plastic wrap, no napkin, it was just tucked in behind my wallet. Looked yummy! And then I walked past a storefront I think was an ice cream shop and I spotted bags of cotton candy up on the wall. I think Ashton Kucher was behind the counter which was weird, but I managed to get my hands on some cotton candy and I left. My next stop is kind of hazy but wherever it was it involved buttered toast. Hmmm...

Had the day off work so I slept late and shortly after I had my whole wheat bagel and tea for breakfast, my BF showed up with grocery bags. He proceeded into the kitchen where he grabbed a big bowl and proceeded to make the biggest fruit salad I have ever seen! He cut up watermelon, cantaloupe, cherries he pitted, whole nectarines he cut up with the skin, strawberries, grapes, plums and honestly I don't know what else. Not only did he cut it all up by himself, he did it twice as fast as I would have, and with half the mess! Amazing!!

We carried the bowl into the living room and shared it with 2 forks while we watched TV. I was surprised how much of it we ate! Soo-o-o-o .. I dream about cotton candy and bacon and butter, and my BF brings me a ton of stuff I SHOULD be eating. You don't think he could be spying on my dreams, could he??

Looking for . . .

Breakfast on the go. Recipes. I know breakfast is important and I do eat it every day. But it
usually consists of a whole wheat bagel with some cheese, and some fruit. And tea. Tea is always my morning drink. Anyway, I've been looking at recipes for mini fritattas that look pretty good, and some egg in pita combos that you can freeze and pop in the microwave. Now that's for me! I could pretend it's fast food and pretend I'm being bad! I'm thinking of incorporating some eggs, onions, low fat cheese, some meat - whether that's a bit of lunch meat or boca sausage - I don't know. Maybe some spinach - I'm looking for some variety.

I have less than zero when it comes to time in the morning. But I think I'm going to try making some mini spinach fritattas and some scrambled egg and who knows what - pitas - and freezing them. I have a refrigerator and a microwave about 5 feet from my desk at work so it's no hardship to heat something up. Or - if I get it ready the night before I can fill a ramekin with tomatoes, onions, a bit of cooked ham or bacon and maybe some cut up pieces of toast (okay maybe a small cereal bowl) and some low fat cheese - I can seal it up and bring an egg with me that I can crack onto the top of all that once I get to work and cook it in the micro. Hmmmm.

I have to remember to make sure I have whole grains and protein in the morning, I need to have things from the different food groups in order to keep my sugar levels - well - level! Anybody have any good and quick ideas for a healthy breakfast on the go? I have not moved into the realm of smoothies yet, so lets skip that category for now. But anything else? I can use all the help I can get.

Moving on . .

I will let that post stand on the other blog. My bad day rant. This post should be titled: Why I Walk. I mean - I'm not totally in the habit yet, but walking has always been my best form of exercise. It takes no special equipment or coordination. Good thing too. There have only been 2 times in my life where I lost a lot of weight. During my divorce the weight just fell off me. I loved the weight loss, hated the emotions causing all of it.

The second time was during a previous relationship - things weren't good and this guy kept me unbalanced all the time, never let me know where I stood and somehow made his failings my fault. And he lied. About everything. It got to the point where I had so much anger and confusion and turmoil roiling around inside of me that I would come home from work, change my clothes and literally burst out the door to walk for an hour or more. Fast. It was the only way to get the demons out, and to keep from losing my ever lovin' mind.

I wasn't in a good way.

But at 40 I was putting on a 2 piece bathing suit because of it so that made me happy!

And now? There is a girl I see on one of the side streets I drive down on my way to work in the morning. I noticed her in the fall. She was walking in the direction I was driving, with a purposeful stride and what looked like a laptop bag strapped across her body. She didn't quite look young enough to be a high school student. Was she a college student? She was always dressed casually. Every day I would see her and would make those little unbidden mental notes people do and I remember thinking "she's a little chubby." It wasn't a condemnation, it was more an observation, and sometimes I wondered if maybe she was athletic and was more muscular than chubby. Whatever, it really didn't matter to me.

She walked through the fall, the winter, the spring, and I've seen her all along. I guess I didn't think about her anymore other than "oh there's the girl." Until it got warm out. I happened to notice her one morning and I thought - "she must be down 2 pants sizes!" Then I started watching for her for a few days, just to see if it was the clothes, the lack of a jacket, or something other than losing weight. Whatever - she is recognizably thinner.

And I started to think - she did that by walking every morning, and I have no doubt every afternoon as well. Just walking to and from - wherever she goes. And I also wonder - was this her aim - or did she have to walk and weight loss is just a consequence. Who knows! But I realized that I could get out there and walk again. I haven't done it much at all since I broke my ankle on an ill-conceived February fog-walk. That was 10 years ago. Admittedly my ankle doesn't work quite as well as it used to, I don't know whether that is because of the metal in it - or because I'm 50. Doesn't matter. It works well enough.

When I've gone out there recently - it has felt good. Real good. It's worked before, and it's the only form of exercise I have ever stuck with for any length of time. Yes the Wii is fun, I will still do that. I will still eat well. And I'd really like to do yoga when I get rid of some of this uncomfortable belly fat. But for right now the goal is to get a walking routine down. I've been doing a mile and a half. Right now - that's good. I'm hoping to build up to more.

Maybe next time I see the girl I should wave, smile, or give her a thumbs up. She has no idea what she's done but she has inspired me.

Donut holes make everything better, don't they?

Crap day at work. One of those days when you are crazy busy but at the end of it feel like you've been running in place all day and haven't moved forward at all. Toward the end of the day a co-worker came to visit my little cubby/office/room to tell me he had just resigned. Circumstances beyond his control forced his hand, and he is leaving. Forces having nothing to do with work. Suffice it to say he does not want to leave but his personal life requires him to right now.

ANYWAY! Can't I ever use just a couple of words? No. I should be used to my wordiness by now. So he came to tell me he was leaving and it made me very sad. Not only is he leaving, but tomorrow is his last day!

Have you ever had a new person start in your office, who you just knew was not going to fit in? And conversely, someone new who seemed to fill a gap you didn't know you had and just "got you" right from the get-go? Yeah, that's him. The 2nd one. A twinkle in his eye and fancy square toed shoes, a Latin dancer with a heart of gold. I will miss him bunches.

As I was talking to this guy/co-worker/friend - my brother called and left a message on my phone. My brother lives in New Jersey, and my mom lives with him. He is actually ill himself, but my mother wanted to live with "a man in the house" because you know, if the hot water heater goes out, he will know what to do. I didn't say it made sense.

He told me that mom has been falling down on a daily basis and she is starting to hurt herself. It's getting to the point that when he leaves for work he worries about what he will find when he gets home. It is time to discuss our next step. Brother #1 told me that brother #2 is visiting him and Mom right now, and apparently does not want to talk about "the next step. He says "oh but she'll be sad, she'll get depressed . . " and is coming up with all kinds of reasons not to even think about her living anywhere but where she is now. Considering HE lives in Seattle - all the freaking way across the country - it's easy for him to sit in his home thinking (hoping, wishing) that my mom is just fine alone all day when in reality she is probably going bing! bing! BING! And ricocheting around brother #1's house all day like it's a pinball machine.

Here's the kicker - brother #2? - he's actually the oldest of us. Eldest? Whatever. He is 60 years old and he wants to sit back and just imagine his mother is the same woman she always was. Well she's not. Time to grow up. Believe me, I would love to think my mom was aging gracefully and will be able to take care of herself until the day she dies. But it's not happening that way and we all have to put our big kid panties on and deal with it. It's irresponsible to ignore the fact that she may fall down, hurt herself, and could possibly have to lay in the same spot for hours until my brother gets home from work. Something she fears a lot, something happening and no one being there to help. She has her button - she can push it and get help fairly quickly, but it's simply getting to the point where she needs more than a button. We. Have. To. Address. It. Not a single one of us can stay home all day and take care of her. And not a single one of us is married (anymore) either. Hmmm, can you say dysfunctional?

So - I had to stop and pick up a prescription on my way home, and who can blame me for picking up some donut holes? Um. . . and a BabyRuth. That's it, I swear. But I AM going for a walk tonight. I'm an emotional eater, my weight is doomed.

I'm cross-posting this on my regular blog, by the way. Some may say this post probably would have fit there better anyway, but I hadn't posted here in a week and I DID mention my weight so I thought it fit here too. It's a stretch, but it's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Just been floating . . .

Haven't been paying attention to my weight, or at least - trying not to. Just trying to eat better (except for today, ahem). Trying very hard to continue my trend toward reaching for the healthy choices as opposed to the high fat and high sugar foods I have always eaten.


I tell you what, when I don't eat well anymore, I pay for it. Let me put it delicately - my GI tract doesn't welcome back the foods I have eaten for years. It rejects them. Vehemently. It's pretty amazing how things like IBS, which I have suffered from since I was a teenager, can be controlled to a great extent by eating healthy and natural foods! I can't believe I'm saying this. It sounds like someone else speaking. Again, it's a mindset.


But as I mentioned - today I didn't follow my own advice. It was spa day (I say that like it's a regular thing! It's not!) and my daughter and I spent the afternoon getting manicures and pedicures and pampering ourselves. When we came home she was running out the door so I decided if we weren't going to have time to go to dinner too - (not said with a pout even if it sounds like it) I would still indulge and ordered some Chinese food. Mm-m-m-m ..... How my belly reacts tomorrow remains to be seen!