This is not enjoyable.

Anyone who knows me knows how much I love Christmas and especially - my Christmas tree.  But this year, decorating it has not been enjoyable.  This is the first time in my life that I feel uncomfortable moving around the tree, bending and reaching, going through the boxes and methodically bringing my tree to life.

I am literally physically uncomfortable because of my weight.  Not good.  So much has happened since I wrote last, my eating habits went totally off the rails again and then my mom passed away.  Eating right has just not been a priority.  But now I feel my toes burning a lot.  Well, not exactly burning, but the sensation is similar to being out in the cold and coming into the warmth and your toes kind of tingling and burning a bit as they warm up.  But mine feel that way for no apparent reason and I am afraid it is the diabetes.

How people continue with the struggle to lose weight, I just don't know.  When you have been heavy, your body wants to stay heavy.  You gain weight more quickly when you fall off the wagon than someone who never been overweight.  I am tired of the struggle.  Truly.

There is a girl I work with - Renee - we are in different states but we work together and she made the decision to see if she could be approved for the lapband.  She is in much the same situation that I am - neither one of us has a high enough BMI to qualify with that alone.  But both of us have the diabetes factor, and she has hypertension as well.  Those things allow someone who is not quite morbidly obese still qualify (by insurance standards) for the surgery.  I have decided to do it.

Renee and I are going to do it together, albeit in different places, but we will go through the process together and be supportive of one another.  We have both taken the first step of signing up for seminars and making appointments to see our doctors.

It's not just that I'm frustrated, although I am.  It's not just that I'm tired of the struggle, although I am.  It's not even simply because I hate being fat, although I am.  I am afraid of the diabetes but more than that - I am frightened of having a stroke.  My dad had 2 strokes, and that is what killed him.  He became diabetic probably 10 years before he died and even though he was taking better care of himself, losing weight and exercising, he still had his strokes.  I am about 10 years ahead of my dad in terms of what age he was diagnosed with diabetes.  And I take after my dad's side of the family in terms of body type, much more so than my mom's.  And it terrifies me.

It's usually about a 6 month process to get approved for the procedure and for me - the decision was a big part of it.  But now it's like Nike - it's time to just do it.