Things I do differently because I'm fat. Part 1

I don't want to see my Mother. I know, that's bad, isn't it?

Before I got pregnant with my son I was probably about 120 lbs. By the time I gave birth to him I was over 200. My Mom came to stay with me - too early, he was late, so she went back to whichever state she was living in at the time. After Andy was born she came back and helped me with him. She was invaluable to me. She came when my daughter was born too, both times she stayed for 2 weeks and was a huge help to me.

But at some point, and I don't remember if it was after Andy was born, or after Dani was born or when she said it mind you, but in looking at how she felt when she saw me that last month pregnant with Andy my Mom said "Oh I was just sick."

She was referring to how heavy I was and was most likely saying it to me after I had lost a lot of weight. "Oh I was just sick."

I have never gotten that out of my head. Or maybe I should say my heart. When I questioned her about it later, told her how hurt I was by her saying that, she explained that she had only meant she was sick at heart because she knew how hard it would be for me to lose the weight. Uh huh.

My Mom is 80 years old. She has had 2 facelifts, a nose job, and a chin implant. She has been known, at about 110 lbs now, to eat less than she should because she has a "tummy". Forget that she's 80 years old, forget that she had 4 kids, she has a "tummy".

Do I believe she only felt bad about how hard it would be for me to lose that weight? No, I don't. And now, I am heavier than she has ever seen me, and I don't want her to see me. I know I would be self conscious the whole time because I would think she was looking at me, disgusted, and "just sick."

I don't want to deal with it.