Why can't I?

Pizza last night. It is official, Pizza Hut sucks. I would never eat it because of something a friend told me a long long time ago. But my son likes to get pizza from there for some reason, so if I leave it up to him, that is what we end up with. But - yuk. Even the cats won't eat their sausage. But, no matter.

This is my weekend of indulgence before a new diet, and the Haagen-Daz I just finished more than made up for the crappy pizza. The only thing we didn't have in the house was regular pop as opposed to diet, but that's okay. My weekend of indulgence can't be perfect or I wouldn't have anything to whine about, now would I?

I've been asking myself why I decided to open up this blog when I have no success to announce, no progress to report. It's true I'm not putting it out there, not putting a button to this blog on either of my other 2. But it IS open if anyone runs across it. Maybe I am trying to shame myself. And silly as it sounds, maybe Barbara Cooper had something to do with it. Valerie Bertinelli landing on the cover of People in a bikini. Wow. She is 2 inches shorter than I am but our height/weight ratios kind of match. She's only a year younger than I am. And the interviews she's been giving really reveals the inner feelings of someone who had slowly gained a large amount of weight and the affect it can have.

She has a book out now. I think it's just her story, not a diet book or anything. But still - maybe I should read it. I need all the help I can get.

When I started this..

When I started this blog it was closed to anyone but me. Because even though I intended to try to lose weight before I turned 50 years old, I also knew I would be whining a lot about how hard it is to get up off the couch and get ON the treadmill after work when I am so damn tired all the time. I didn't want to deal with people telling me - well once you start to exercise the energy will come from that, you'll see. I know that already. Still doesn't get me off the couch.

I didn't want anyone telling be to "go for it" regarding ANYTHING I was talking about, or diet I was trying, etc. I just wanted to come here and say what I wanted without worrying about what my commentors might think or say, to feel free to talk about how badly I feel about myself right now - without feeling it necessary to differentiate how I DO feel good about myself in other ways, just not physicially. If no one is reading except me - I could write and whine and be completely unlikable and it wouldn't matter.

So I'm not linking this blog to my others, although I'm sure people may notice it attached to my profile, but I'm not LOOKING for people to find it. If they do - fine. If not - that's fine too. This blog is about me, my struggles, my frustrations, and my inability to get my ass in control at this point in my life. Not sure why it's so hard now - but it is.

But I haven't given up yet. We will see what happens but - my birthday is coming up really quick now, and I am nowhere close to my goal. AT ALL. Pisses me off. At least I'm not blaming anyone other than myself cause damn-it - it's only my fault. Makes me mad that I am so damn weak.

Another day, another diet.

Sometimes I think that I start a new diet, always on Monday, just so I can eat pizza and ice cream and donuts all weekend before I start. Just sayin'.

I cannot figure out why nothing works for me these days. Or more accurately - why I can't do any of it. I know what I should eat. I know I should exercise. But more and more I have to admit that food is my comfort. And oh how comforting it is. I come home from work and look around at this craphole I live in and hate - and start to think about what I want to eat. And I don't want freaking carrot sticks, I want something YUMMY.

Is it because I'm not married - not in a forever, full time relationship? I don't think so. I mean, I suppose I could be lying to myself but I have grown so set in my ways I do not think there is a man out there I would be willing to share my space with on a full time basis. My old boyfriend and I used to joke about some day buying adjoining townhouses with a door between. And the door would have a screen door as well as a full door. He was someone who wanted people around ALL the time. Me? Not so much. I have cats. He was a neat freak. We were different. So we could have the big door open and the screen door keeping the cats out of his side, but it would be friendly and inviting. We could sleep over at each other's places if we wanted - or not talk all day if we didn't feel like it. He was a morning person. I wasn't. Separate but equal.

I might, MIGHT be able to go for a deal like that. But I'm not looking for any takers.

Anyway. So Monday I'm going to start Slimfast. I've done it in the past, it's non threatening and very flexible. I've got some bottles with caps I can put it in and bring in to work. Bagel for breakfast, a small salad and Slimfast for lunch, and a Slimfast for dinner with maybe an orange or something.

Gotta try something. I'm getting very close to looking like a Budha right now, and very very close to 50. Gads.