What's it going to take?

Sitting here watching "Dr G., Medical Examiner." Good show, very interesting. But all the things people die of on a regular basis, aneurysms, heart disease, strokes, complications of diabetes, geez it's all so scary. I'm not really scared of dying I don't think, but I am scared of being disabled, having a stroke or something and not being able to take care of myself.

My dad died from a stroke. But before he had the one that killed him, he had one that disabled him. He couldn't talk. He couldn't walk, couldn't use a good portion of the left side of his body, and he was left handed. Horrible to see. I may not have gotten along with him, didn't have a great relationship, but he was a proud man, especially proud of his intellect. I do not want to be in that position.

I am pre-diabetic right now. I cannot go up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing for 5 minutes afterwards. I sit all day at work and I sit when I get home. What the hell is it going to take to get me to DO something?

Every night before I go to sleep I think about what I can do to get in shape. I picture myself forcing myself to go outside and walk every day when I get home from work. I see myself on the treadmill - watching TV. I even picture myself jogging on the treadmill trying to get in shape to do a 5K run or something.

And every day I do nothing.

Is there some reason I am not aware of that I want to stay like this? Am I proving something to myself - I mean - I don't keep people really close to me anymore, am I trying to further push more people away? I don't know.

But it really is quite clear that I will add years to my life if I start exercising and eating better. Why don't I? I should be the one to answer that but the truth is - I just don't know.