NO. What's that?

At some point I stopped telling myself no. I have totally lost control of what I allow myself and what I don't. I used to have a natural feel for whether I was letting things get away from me and needed to cut back. That doesn't exist anymore. It's like I don't know myself anymore.

After my divorce I entered into a relationship with a man that lasted a good 8, almost 9 years. It was a very destructive relationship although I did not see that at the time. There was no abuse or intentional infliction of pain, but there was turmoil and emotional conflict and uncertainty all of the time.

He was very controlling. Not in the sense that I couldn't leave the house or could not have friends or any of the things you think of when you think of control. He kept me off balance emotionally all of the time. I never knew for sure where I stood with him. It's hard to explain. I lived in his house and although it was supposed to be mine as well - I always knew it was his. I could paint a room if I wanted to but it had to be within his parameters. I could work on some landscaping projects in the yard but it had to meet his specifications as to what he wanted to see in front of his house.

When we broke up and I moved out of his house, it was like I could breathe again. I bought colorful bedding and colorful dishes, hung things on the walls and reveled in expressing who I was and making my own choices. Maybe it was then that I stopped telling myself no.

Part of celebrating ME - was allowing myself what I wanted because it was my decision. My choice. I'm not blaming him for my weight gain. That's all me. But I really think that was the time where I started to let everything go.

Now - I need to figure out how to stop it.