What's it going to take?

Sitting here watching "Dr G., Medical Examiner." Good show, very interesting. But all the things people die of on a regular basis, aneurysms, heart disease, strokes, complications of diabetes, geez it's all so scary. I'm not really scared of dying I don't think, but I am scared of being disabled, having a stroke or something and not being able to take care of myself.

My dad died from a stroke. But before he had the one that killed him, he had one that disabled him. He couldn't talk. He couldn't walk, couldn't use a good portion of the left side of his body, and he was left handed. Horrible to see. I may not have gotten along with him, didn't have a great relationship, but he was a proud man, especially proud of his intellect. I do not want to be in that position.

I am pre-diabetic right now. I cannot go up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing for 5 minutes afterwards. I sit all day at work and I sit when I get home. What the hell is it going to take to get me to DO something?

Every night before I go to sleep I think about what I can do to get in shape. I picture myself forcing myself to go outside and walk every day when I get home from work. I see myself on the treadmill - watching TV. I even picture myself jogging on the treadmill trying to get in shape to do a 5K run or something.

And every day I do nothing.

Is there some reason I am not aware of that I want to stay like this? Am I proving something to myself - I mean - I don't keep people really close to me anymore, am I trying to further push more people away? I don't know.

But it really is quite clear that I will add years to my life if I start exercising and eating better. Why don't I? I should be the one to answer that but the truth is - I just don't know.

NO. What's that?

At some point I stopped telling myself no. I have totally lost control of what I allow myself and what I don't. I used to have a natural feel for whether I was letting things get away from me and needed to cut back. That doesn't exist anymore. It's like I don't know myself anymore.

After my divorce I entered into a relationship with a man that lasted a good 8, almost 9 years. It was a very destructive relationship although I did not see that at the time. There was no abuse or intentional infliction of pain, but there was turmoil and emotional conflict and uncertainty all of the time.

He was very controlling. Not in the sense that I couldn't leave the house or could not have friends or any of the things you think of when you think of control. He kept me off balance emotionally all of the time. I never knew for sure where I stood with him. It's hard to explain. I lived in his house and although it was supposed to be mine as well - I always knew it was his. I could paint a room if I wanted to but it had to be within his parameters. I could work on some landscaping projects in the yard but it had to meet his specifications as to what he wanted to see in front of his house.

When we broke up and I moved out of his house, it was like I could breathe again. I bought colorful bedding and colorful dishes, hung things on the walls and reveled in expressing who I was and making my own choices. Maybe it was then that I stopped telling myself no.

Part of celebrating ME - was allowing myself what I wanted because it was my decision. My choice. I'm not blaming him for my weight gain. That's all me. But I really think that was the time where I started to let everything go.

Now - I need to figure out how to stop it.