Just say no to food

I find myself clenching my teeth a lot. At least yesterday and today. I decided to give up eating the other day. I mean, what else is freaking left? In the last couple of years I got myself into a mindset of NOT dieting because of course dieting doesn't work. And then hmmm, eat what I want, eat only when I'm hungry, and stop when I am full. Great! I can do that!! Yeah. All the way to where I am now. :(

I was thinking of a bypass. Literally, a mini-gastric bypass like Gil Gerard. And then I was thinking well, how is it those people lose weight? They do it by not eating! The only difference is - their stomach is reduced to a size that makes them not ABLE to eat. So why the hell can't I just not eat - like they do? Why do I have to get my stomach stapled or some such thing, when I can just stop eating?

So I did. Okay I might be exaggerating somewhat. But I am ignoring my hunger, clenching my teeth and going about my day. And you know what else? I don't care if it's healthy! I really don't! That's how desperate I am. Yesterday I ate a bagel for breakfast and later in the day I had some fresh pineapple. Today I had a bagel for breakfast, later I had a granola bar, later some baked beans and then a yogurt. Not looking for balance, not looking for vitamins, just looking to lose. And if I have the mindset going - I'm going to take advantage of it. I simply cannot walk around like this much longer.

So which is worse? To be fat from the get-go - as a kid, to grow up that way and never know any different? Or, to be average sized, maybe pretty, for a good portion of your life, only to get fat later? Which? I can only see it from my perspective but holy cow do I feel bad about myself right now. Somehow I can feel good about many things about myself, but feel absolutely less then nothing about how I look. I haven't even cut my hair in a million years, let my last short haircut just grow the hell out. No trims, the hair still shorter where it was cut over my ears, shaggy in the back and self cut bangs in the front. I'm a mess. But it will all get better when I slim down. Right? I will buy nicer clothes, take care of my hair and try to look pretty.

Oh but right now this sucks. Oh how it sucks.

Wherein this becomes the bitter blog

I wrote about it on my regular blog. My visit to the doctor last week didn't offer me a lot of relief from my chronic fatigue to my fatness. That 400 lb purple elephant in the room. Ugh. He ended up giving me diet pills again. I've probaby never given them a good chance before. He also gave me water pills. So now I have pills for depression, pills for thyroid, pills for water, pills for dieting. Oh wait - pills for sleeping too! Woo hoo!

And what did I land upon this morning while flipping channels? Some show going into details about why diet pills don't work. Ai yi yi. Like I don't have enough excuses!

Tonight I told my daughter I would not be coming down to see her in the Vajay-jay monologies. The role she has this year is just too weird for a mom. For this mom anyway. And that's the truth. But how much does the fat enter into it? How much do I just not want to be seen like this? I am truly starting to get angry about it. Angry with myself.

About the thing the fat interferes with. Today is the 2nd day on the diet pill. Had a bagel for breakfast and some fresh pineapple later. Really nothing after that. I know starving myself is not the answer but I need to lose some weight to feel comfortable to start exercizing.

I hate even talking about any of this. When I say it out loud - failing at it hurts more.