Today

This weekend is a 3 day weekend with Monday being labor day. My plans were/are to work at getting my daughter's room cleaned up. She is away at school and she left her room looking like a tornado went through it. So, I plan on getting it cleaned up and organized, vacuumed and the like.

What did I do? I sat right where I am sitting now, and I worked on this blog. Had to make a header. Wanted to get everything just right. Unfortunately with this type of thing I tend to get obsessed and compulsive about it and I couldn't let it go.

Halfway through the day I realized I forgot to take my meds this morning, interrupting the cumulative benefit of my new higher thyroid med dosage. I ate - french toast and sausage. Had my tea as usual and later 2 skinny cow ice cream sandwiches. My diet is incredibly bad.

Last week I cooked almost every day. Something I haven't done in so long I can't remember the last time I did it. I went online and got all these recipes and had all these plans to keep cooking. Then I made a dinner one night that my son chose not to eat. Probably because it contained vegetables. He's 24 years old. But that was enough to throw me off - why cook if no one except me is eating it? Not a good excuse, but an excuse none the less.

Last night I thought well, I really need to let that set-back go and started to think about a grocery list. I decided to check my bank account to see what I had to work with and saw I really couldn't spend much at all. Certainly not as much as I spent the last time I went shopping. I need to figure out how to get my stuff together - I am completely out of control.

Andy left the house a little while ago and I asked if he was going to be stopping at the store, something I haven't done in a while. He wasn't sure, he said, but why? Cause I want sherbet. I have a taste for sherbet.

Eight Months

I have 8 months. 8 months to lose .. oh .. almost 70 pounds. Because you see, in 8 months I turn 50 years old and I am not willing to enter into the 2nd half of my life like this.

My story is the same as many people's. I can throw my hands up and say - I don't know what happened - it just spiraled out of control and next thing I knew - I looked like THIS! I can disavow responsibility with the best of them. But no matter.

It's time to do something about it - the question is - what? I don't want to do anything drastic - hello - weight loss surgery? No money for that. Besides, I would probably end up malnourished because I would be eating an ounce of chocolate when I should be eating an ounce of protein. I know me. Hmmm, my stomach only holds this much (see fingers maybe an inch apart) so if I eat the piece of chicken I won't be able to eat that chunk of dark chocolate Toblerone. Toblerone wins! I mean really, have you ever had Toblerone?

Anyway. Yes, I must find a way because at this point the weight has really started (who am I kidding - HAS been) affecting all parts of my life. How I see myself, how others see me, how I walk, how I carry myself, how I bend down to pick things up, how I sit, how I have sex, IF I have sex, breathing, all the way to the way I feel about myself deep down inside. The important place where my deepest feelings are so buried that even I don't shine much light on them - and certainly not recently. Can't face it.

And maybe when I feel like I am actually on my way, on a roll so to speak - I will click the radio button that gives permission for other people to view this blog. But right now - I can't.

This is my journey.

My journey from fat - to fifty.