Someday I'll eat cannoli

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Hey - everybody has to have a dream, right?



Yeah. Someday I'll have cannoli again.
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High sugar, low mood

I've been poking my fingers and measuring my glucose twice a day for a week now. I've only had one relatively close to "normal" reading the whole time.

My doctor looked at my test results and said "I'm going to have to treat you. You know that, right? I'm going to have to treat you." He said it like it was a punishment, like I had done something wrong and I knew what he meant. My numbers wouldn't be where they are if I had just lost weight. I couldn't do it and now my numbers are high enough that he had no choice except to treat me as a diabetic.

It was much easier before I was actually diagnosed, to think I could eat like a diabetic. I wasn't checking my blood sugar, I wasn't aware of all the sugar in foods I eat every day or how many foods are high carb.

Since coming home with my meter and no instruction beyond some pamphlets and what I have read online I have gone through many emotions. Crying in the car on the way home from the doctor's office is where I started. From there I think I moved to defiance - oh yes I WILL eat this piece of candy! And today - well today I am just down.

A co-worker just called me and asked if she brought in homemade butternut squash soup, would I eat it? She talked about the anti-oxidants and how good it would be for me. I hung up the phone and teared up again. It's almost 7:30 and I haven't eaten any dinner because I keep thinking - well there isn't anything I can eat anyway!

But it's not just the foods I need to avoid. It's all the mixed messages and confusing information I am getting in trying to research diabetes on my own. I didn't know exercise can lower blood sugar - but can also raise it if you do too much. Sugar is the enemy but no - carbs are worse than sugar - eat natural foods, the less processed the better but wait - fruit is a carb .....

End result to all of this is that I am just plain overwhelmed. Overwhelmed, maybe a bit scared, and if I'm being truthful - angry with myself.

Figures

While my Mom was visiting I went to have blood work done, I had an order from my doctor and it was getting closer to my next appointment. Bad news was, a couple of days later there was a message on my answering machine telling me the doc wanted to order more tests. My TSH was out of whack, my lipids, and my glucose was bad.

New tests run and my Hemoglobin A1C was in the diabetic range, my triglycerides are out of this world, and by some of the other numbers apparently I have an infection or inflammation somewhere. Gr-r-r.

Watching my Mom with her COPD/Emphysema I felt grateful I had quit smoking years ago. Also observing her attraction to junk food annoyed me because I have that myself. But she is about 5 foot nothing and about 100 lbs - and has always been that way. I'm - not that.

So tomorrow is my doctor's appointment and I will take my lumps. Or gastric sleeve maybe, yeah - that's the ticket!

We will see. Hopefully I will at least remember to shave my legs first.

A diet that could come naturally!

Think about this: they skip breakfast, workout on an empty stomach, eat a big lunch, take a nap, wake up and then eat an enormous dinner with lots of beer or saki until they pass out. Their fat cells are loving it!



Finally! A diet that wouldn't require much of a lifestyle change! Well, except for that workout thing.

I see fat people

The girl at work I share an office/room with is one of those naturally thin people who likes healthy food and enjoys being active. She is older than I am and definitely has some personality .. uh .. quirks. She tends to be a bit superior in her attitude and I try to balance her out somewhat. I have been known to call her on some of the things she says and we have had some spirited debates.

But today she let slip an attitude she has managed to keep in check since we have started to work together so closely. Speaking about Oprah, who I really don't like but in this case an easy target - "Oh well Oprah has NO excuse!" She was speaking about her weight. Almost as soon as she said it she started to back peddle with "she doesn't have a thyroid problem" (she knows I take thyroid meds), "she has a personal trainer ..." and she would have kept going but I held up my hand and just said "Stop. Drop it." And I proceeded to talk about something else.

Now I know this gal would not hurt me on purpose. It was as if she forgets I'm heavy because she doesn't see me that way so much as she just sees me as me. If that makes any sense. But for some reason this struck me and I wanted to cry. There is so much disdain for people who are overweight. It's our fault. We're gluttons or lazy, pigs and slobs.

God knows I make bad choices. I've written about self control and emotional issues. But I was angry because she has never been there. HERE. And people who have never been overweight have no idea what it's like, how it happens, or how it feels once you're here. I vented to a friend that my co-worker has a white picket fence life with the perfect husband and child and home, she is respected for her intelligence and knowledge in her job, but she does not know what it means to turn to food for comfort or as a reward or even as a companion. She has no idea what it's like to see a thin person eat a danish for breakfast, fast food for lunch, have a big dinner with dessert and not exercise ever - knowing that if you ate the same way you would be twice their size.

I am not defending where I am in my physical size and health right now. It sucks. I blame myself enough, I do not need someone else judging me too! And they do. Every single day.