Mmmm ... BabyRuth...

I'm trying to get past my tantrum. I certainly know that I am looking at this in a way that is not productive. I need to stop seeing it as a diet and start looking at it as a ... wait for it ... LIFESTYLE CHANGE (spoken in loud, low, stentorian tones). Sigh. I hate that phrase.

I am not patient. That's the main reason I go back to my bad habits quickly when the good ones don't work fast enough (read - BabyRuths 3 days in a row). I have been putting a lot of effort into eating the right things, making sure I eat the right things together and eating at the right times so I keep a level sugar balance all day and I don't have the ups and the downs like I always have. To me this. is. work. It is something I am totally unaccustomed to and I find it to be difficult. So when I don't get the desired results quickly enough I turn into a 4 year old, stamping my feet and saying "I don't care! Doesn't matter anyway!" And start reaching for the nearest candy bar.

Maybe I need to reevaluate what result I am looking for. Is it only weight loss? No, it's more than that. But weight loss to me is HUGE. Pardon the HUGENESS. My blood pressure is a bit high? My doctor says "you can control it by losing weight." My glucose is high? My doctor says "you can control it by losing weight." My cholesterol, my triglycerides are high and my doctor says "you can control it by losing weight." So it's not just looking cute again that's important. Although I'm not sure "cute" applies when you're 50. Still, it IS important to me. And apparently just eating the right foods is not going to make me healthy until I also lose weight.

So what now? I haven't been exercising as much as I should. UGH. There. I said it. I KNOW! I KNOW!!! Do I have any volunteers to do it FOR me???

Is it possible I'm eating too many sticks and stones and vegetables and fruit? Maybe I need to walk 4.2 miles a day and only eat bird seed. And no, I'm not bitter. (queue maniacal laughter)

Why is this such an issue for me?? This is the one area in my life where I cannot get control, cannot wrap my arms around it and make it be what I want it to be. That's a very uncomfortable feeling.

Just say no to food

I find myself clenching my teeth a lot. At least yesterday and today. I decided to give up eating the other day. I mean, what else is freaking left? In the last couple of years I got myself into a mindset of NOT dieting because of course dieting doesn't work. And then hmmm, eat what I want, eat only when I'm hungry, and stop when I am full. Great! I can do that!! Yeah. All the way to where I am now. :(

I was thinking of a bypass. Literally, a mini-gastric bypass like Gil Gerard. And then I was thinking well, how is it those people lose weight? They do it by not eating! The only difference is - their stomach is reduced to a size that makes them not ABLE to eat. So why the hell can't I just not eat - like they do? Why do I have to get my stomach stapled or some such thing, when I can just stop eating?

So I did. Okay I might be exaggerating somewhat. But I am ignoring my hunger, clenching my teeth and going about my day. And you know what else? I don't care if it's healthy! I really don't! That's how desperate I am. Yesterday I ate a bagel for breakfast and later in the day I had some fresh pineapple. Today I had a bagel for breakfast, later I had a granola bar, later some baked beans and then a yogurt. Not looking for balance, not looking for vitamins, just looking to lose. And if I have the mindset going - I'm going to take advantage of it. I simply cannot walk around like this much longer.

So which is worse? To be fat from the get-go - as a kid, to grow up that way and never know any different? Or, to be average sized, maybe pretty, for a good portion of your life, only to get fat later? Which? I can only see it from my perspective but holy cow do I feel bad about myself right now. Somehow I can feel good about many things about myself, but feel absolutely less then nothing about how I look. I haven't even cut my hair in a million years, let my last short haircut just grow the hell out. No trims, the hair still shorter where it was cut over my ears, shaggy in the back and self cut bangs in the front. I'm a mess. But it will all get better when I slim down. Right? I will buy nicer clothes, take care of my hair and try to look pretty.

Oh but right now this sucks. Oh how it sucks.