I know, I know, I know ...

M-M-m-m-m ..

Ahem.  Hi.  My name is BetteJo and I own this blog.  If anyone ever actually owns anything on the internet, I own this.  But I have been away.  Could it be guilt?  Maybe.  Surprising how difficult this is turning out to be.  Insurance wants me to lose weight before they will approve surgery.  But if losing weight was easy - surgery wouldn't be needed!  Gah.

How many times have I discussed emotional eating?  And how many times in the last month or 2 did I say - well - I deserve to have this - what if I can't eat this after surgery?  It's bizarre.  I haven't been totally stuffing my face every single day, but neither have I been depriving myself.  Oh no.  Matter of fact for almost a week straight I ate a grilled cheese sandwich every single day.  Soft, mushy, carb laden bread, butter, frying pan and CHEESE.  Yum!  If that was all I ate on those days it wouldn't be so bad.  But usually it came at the end of an otherwise food-filled day.

FAIL.

And the amazing thing is I can feel the spiral - like the skin on my face is stretched back because the G's are so great as I spiral down to earth.  SPLAT!  Soon, anyway.  And I am having to fight with everything I have to break this pattern.

So - ugh - the ultimate control device - writing it all down.  All of it.  Being honest on paper and making the resolution to bring it with to my next doctor's appointment - having LOST weight on this visit.  Which might mean I had gained at the last visit, but I'm not saying.

I start today.

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I really hate to whine

But why can't I get myself to do anything? I mean really, anything??? I sit here all full and disgusted with myself after eating McDonalds and having done nothing except one load of laundry ALL day. It's so easy to look at healthy recipes and think that tomorrow, yes tomorrow I will start eating well and tomorrow I will put on the pedometer and start keeping track of how much I move.

But I never do.

When I lay down to go to sleep every night I inevitably pull my knee up and feel my belly against it. My belly is not supposed to be there. When laying on my side I lay my hand on the front of my waist except the IS no waist, and the front of me is so big I could easily pass for pregnant.

My daughter was so concerned when we went shopping for clothes that I hated myself. I don't think I hate myself but I DO hate the way I look and the way I feel and even more than those things - I hate my lack of ability to do anything about it all.

I joined an online diet site called SPARK. No idea if I will be committed to it any more than anything else. Makes me feel - more of a failure to fail in front of other people. I don't know, time will tell.