Another step ..

Saw my primary care physician today, brought him chocolate as a bribe because it's Valentine's Day.  He's a bit of a chocoholic, or so I understand.  I had spoken to his nurse a week ago and she said "Well .. talk to him.  He doesn't usually do diets."  She said it like I was asking him to monitor my body piercing spree.  So I came prepared today.  Chocolate because it is a legitimate gift on a recognized holiday, and paperwork from my surgeon's office explaining what was required.

A little voice in the back of my head was remembering when my therapist (yes I've done that too) sent me to him asking for an anti-depressant and hearing him say "I'm not going to be any one's prescription pad."  So he proceeded to question me for a couple of minutes to find out why my therapist thought I needed meds, and when I burst into tears in the middle of it he was all ..okay I'll give you the drugs!

Mmm.. Toblerone

Today, he saw the chocolate, looked over the paperwork and said sure, we can do this!  WHEW!!!

After making 5 consecutive future appointments I was on my way out when one of the ladies in the office asked what I was having done.  I told her and she said "Oh I wanted to do that!  I signed up for a seminar but I didn't go."  She asked me how you get approved and when I told her about the sleep study, the psychologist, the diet .. she said "Nah!  Too much work!"  and dismissed the idea completely.  Which is fine, I'm not about talking people into doing this too.  But my thought was - she doesn't want it badly enough, cause even fat girls will jump through hoops when they really want something.

I'm a slow learner

So, falling off the wagon (and letting it roll over me) has been a crash course in all things fast food related, grease dipped, and dairy laden. My daughter was home last weekend and we ordered pizza. We ordered a Sicilian stuffed pizza which had so much cheese there were literally puddles of it on the cardboard. It was wondrous and disgusting all at the same time. Paper bags, plastic cups and straws fill my garbage.



And I FEEL like crap.

When I was eating hardly anything processed, almost all fresh and natural foods I did not feel perfect. But the GI problems that have plagued me most of my life were reduced to the lowest point of aggravation since I was a kid. This last week I have had constant belly aches, nausea, headaches off and on, and fatigue like nobodies business. Just overall crappy.

I am kind of amazed actually that the change has been so dramatic. Changing to healthy food was a gradual process so I didn't notice anything overnight. I knew there were changes but not like when I reversed the processed and dove (dived?) head first into a fast food cesspool. Proof positive that it's not. only. about. losing. weight.

How many times have I said that? It's a lifestyle change, not a diet. It's a lifestyle change, not a diet. Why can't I integrate that into my brain so that I don't stomp my feet like a little kid when I don't lose a few pounds and head right back to Taco Bell?? Grr-r-r-r !!!! And the thing is - I'm not ready to head back yet. Even though I know I'll feel better, even though I know it's better for my heart, my sugar, my overall health, I'm not ready to turn it back around again. Ugh.

I'm not sure why. But . . did I mention it's a lifestyle change and not a diet?

Grasping at straws ..

As much as I'd like to, I'm not sticking that straw into a thick chocolate shake. But I did eat some awesome deep dish Chicago pizza a couple of days ago. I knew I was going to have to give into the gooey cheese craving sooner or later.

I reward myself with food, I comfort myself with food. Rarely do I actually use food to nourish myself. My blood work says I'm pre-diabetic. I read somewhere that pre-diabetic is bullshit, pre-diabetic is diabetic. The damage to the pancreas has already begun.

I got to thinking about it and decided to learn me some about the glycemic index and how someone with diabetes should eat. My doctor just says - lose weight. Yeah. Thanks for the advice. So I ordered myself some books on following the glycemic index in order to eat well, and to learn to cook a diabetic diet. For some reason diabetes confuses me and since I am so close to having it, I had better start treating myself for it, in the only way I can. Diet.

And exercise. I know. For some reason I just seem to have a need for strict guidelines in my life and diet. I am trying desperately to give them to myself.

Considering this magazine - even if only for inspiration.

Wow - gooey cheese ...

The picture below still looks wonderful to me. Che-e-e-e-s-e ... !!! Num! A few months ago I had reached a point where I had never felt quite so out of control with food. I think back to when I was a teenager. I really did only eat when I was hungry for the most part. I was busy. If I was home too long it was - gotta go find something to do - even if it was just going for a walk across town. It's not like I had money to spend or anything. But I think I felt "home" was where you slept, showered, and got ready to go out. Or, "home" was where my friends came, where we pushed towels under the door, opened windows and smoked in my bedroom. We hung out.

Today, "home" is here, now, it's every day. I don't move, I don't go do things. Not even within the house! Man!

So again, I am trying something else (picture one of those old super balls bouncing from 'thing' to 'thing' to the next 'thing'!). My doctor says I am prediabetic. I am almost diabetic. My blood pressure is going up and so is my cholesterol. He hands me a 2 page diabetic diet but there is no information that really helps me coming from him. He just wants me to lose weight because that will fix everything! NO, yeah??? Geez.

What I have chosen to do this time, for this "thing" - is to find out about the gylcemic index and what it means for my health. I ordered a book. Then of course I couldn't let it go with just one book - I also ordered 2 books with diabetic recipes. None of it has be encouraged, I almost feel like I am giving in to something somehow. But - regardless, it's not a fad thing, not a diet pill thing, it's a life change. So far I haven't managed any great life changes recently so we will see.

I remember somebody telling me about smoking, the more times I tried to quit - the more I upped my chance of succeeding. And I did finally succeed. So maybe finding my food/diet thing will work this time. I mean hell - I've tried enough "things" to have success soon I think. I hope.

Are stuffed peppers diet food?

I don't cook. I mean barely. I hate my kitchen, there is no counter space, so even if I was a good or a natural cook - it would still suck to do it in that space. Anyway, it seems like lately I have been wanting to try different things so I have gotten the ingredients together and attempted a few dishes. Tonight - is stuffed peppers. I don't even like peppers. Yes, I am that absurd.

I was in the kitchen earlier in the day and I smelled something that reminded me of stuffed peppers. I have NO idea what that could have been but I try not to question the smells in my house too much. My MIL used to make stuffed cabbage and when I was still married and going over there for dinner sometimes, she would stuff a couple of peppers for me because I didn't like cabbage. I never actually ate the pepper, but I would eat the meat and rice it was stuffed with. Oh - and I used to eat the Stouffers frozen peppers. Again, just the insides.

Andy ran out to the store for me but didn't get back till damn near 5:30 - so we will be eating quite late. But - they're in the oven. I didn't find a weight watchers recipe which might have been the smart thing to do. I didn't try to make a vegetarian version or use turkey instead of beef. I went online and found a recipe that had the ingredients I thought would best mimic the stuffed peppers I have liked in the past.

peppers
ground sirloin
onions
bread crumbs
rice
tomato sauce
tomato soup

Of course salt and pepper, etc. Not a diet meal but my rationale is - I hardly ever cook and home cooked is always better for you than frozen or processed, so this is healthier for me. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

That may be one of my biggest problems - if I want something, I can always think of a way to justify it. Like - at least it's not a big meaty, cheesy lasagna! Mmm-m-m .. sounds good!

**Added later - Note to self: One stuffed pepper is always enough. One serving of everything else is always enough too. Ugh.

Why can't I?

Pizza last night. It is official, Pizza Hut sucks. I would never eat it because of something a friend told me a long long time ago. But my son likes to get pizza from there for some reason, so if I leave it up to him, that is what we end up with. But - yuk. Even the cats won't eat their sausage. But, no matter.

This is my weekend of indulgence before a new diet, and the Haagen-Daz I just finished more than made up for the crappy pizza. The only thing we didn't have in the house was regular pop as opposed to diet, but that's okay. My weekend of indulgence can't be perfect or I wouldn't have anything to whine about, now would I?

I've been asking myself why I decided to open up this blog when I have no success to announce, no progress to report. It's true I'm not putting it out there, not putting a button to this blog on either of my other 2. But it IS open if anyone runs across it. Maybe I am trying to shame myself. And silly as it sounds, maybe Barbara Cooper had something to do with it. Valerie Bertinelli landing on the cover of People in a bikini. Wow. She is 2 inches shorter than I am but our height/weight ratios kind of match. She's only a year younger than I am. And the interviews she's been giving really reveals the inner feelings of someone who had slowly gained a large amount of weight and the affect it can have.

She has a book out now. I think it's just her story, not a diet book or anything. But still - maybe I should read it. I need all the help I can get.