From Fat to Fifty

Sunday, June 14, 2009

90% emotional, 10% physical

For some unknown reason I was reading the "about me" text in my sidebar. That name - Ken Cooper, always jumps out at me. Kids are cruel and they have no idea what their words can do, especially to a kid that was insecure to begin with. That incident occurred shortly after my parents divorced. It was 1972 I believe, and none of my friend's parents were divorced. Once my parents sat me down and told me it was going to happen, we never talked about it again. I don't even know how my friends found out because I don't remember telling them.

My dad got remarried before the divorce was even final, and I found out when I was riding in the car with him and his wife - when in conversation with her - he referred to her as his wife. Thanks for telling me Dad. On the night my parents told me about the divorce my dad came into my bedroom where I had retreated and I remember him sitting on the edge of my bed and telling me he'd still be my dad and he'd come see me and we'd do things together. Well that didn't last long. Especially after he got remarried. I was always a Daddy's girl and I couldn't understand why he didn't come to see me. I was too big to sit on his lap anymore, but he promised to come see me. Didn't he?

So in 7th grade I had a lot of things I was dealing with. Not that Ken Cooper knew that. But I never teased him about having a silver front tooth after he had almost knocked his tooth out on the metal monkey bars on the playground a few years earlier. Why did he have to tease me?

Okay, I'm an adult now. I cannot blame Ken Cooper or my Dad for my weight. Or my ex husband or last boyfriend or a friend who betrayed me. I have to blame me and I have to get a handle on it. But I have a feeling that for me - I need to work on the emotional aspect of this problem way more than anything else. That's what is making this so hard for me.

I hope that doesn't sound like an excuse because when it comes down to it - that's my reality.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Out of control

5 MINUTE CHOCOLATE MUG CAKE

4 tablespoons flour
4 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons cocoa
1 egg
3 tablespoons milk
3 tablespoons oil
3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional)
A small splash of vanilla extract
1 large coffee mug (MicroSafe)

Add dry ingredients to mug, and mix well. Add the egg and mix thoroughly.
Pour in the milk and oil and mix well..
Add the chocolate chips (if using) and vanilla extract, and mix again.
Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts.
The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed!
Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired.
EAT ! (this can serve 2 if you want to feel slightly more virtuous).
And why is this the most dangerous cake recipe in the world?
Because now we are all only 5 minutes away from chocolate cake at any time of the day or night!

Oh yes I did. Sigh-h . . .

Friday, June 12, 2009

Acupuncture, maybe?

While sitting at my desk at work going along with my usual business, I realized I was looking forward to eating my lunch. I found myself looking at the clock to see what time it was, if it was too early or if I could eat yet.

Then I realized, I wasn't hungry.

That didn't totally startle me but it did upset me a bit when I also realized I was craving something. I wasn't sure what it was but there was a craving that my mind was leading to my lunch to fulfill.

I wanted a cigarette.

Is it possible that after 6 or 7 years I still may be craving cigarettes? I know I smoked for a long time, and when someone is smoking near me sometimes I don't mind it at all - dare I say - it smells good to me? It's already been established pretty definitely that I am an emotional eater. I reward myself for good things with food. I console myself for bad things, with food. If I'm bored, food is my friend. But cigarettes? I have not consciously recognized a craving for a cigarette in a long time.

Geez, I think I'm going to have to get my head shrunk to lose weight! But no, then I'll just be a fat girl with a tiny head! Not the look I'm going for.

Just more stuff to think about.

** spunkysuzi - not sure why you are having trouble adding to your reader, I DO notice that the feeds symbol is not up in the address bar like it is for my other blogs, but I can't seem to figure it out. I'm really persistent about figuring things out so I am still looking at it. :)
Still - you should be able to add my feed to your google reader manually - hope it works!

Feed URL:

http://fattofifty.blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Mmmm ... BabyRuth...

I'm trying to get past my tantrum. I certainly know that I am looking at this in a way that is not productive. I need to stop seeing it as a diet and start looking at it as a ... wait for it ... LIFESTYLE CHANGE (spoken in loud, low, stentorian tones). Sigh. I hate that phrase.

I am not patient. That's the main reason I go back to my bad habits quickly when the good ones don't work fast enough (read - BabyRuths 3 days in a row). I have been putting a lot of effort into eating the right things, making sure I eat the right things together and eating at the right times so I keep a level sugar balance all day and I don't have the ups and the downs like I always have. To me this. is. work. It is something I am totally unaccustomed to and I find it to be difficult. So when I don't get the desired results quickly enough I turn into a 4 year old, stamping my feet

and saying "I don't care! Doesn't matter anyway!" And start reaching for the nearest candy bar.

Maybe I need to reevaluate what result I am looking for. Is it only weight loss? No, it's more than that. But weight loss to me is HUGE. Pardon the HUGENESS. My blood pressure is a bit high? My doctor says "you can control it by losing weight." My glucose is high? My doctor says "you can control it by losing weight." My cholesterol, my triglycerides are high and my doctor says "you can control it by losing weight." So it's not just looking cute again that's important. Although I'm not sure "cute" applies when you're 50. Still, it IS important to me. And apparently just eating the right foods is not going to make me healthy until I also lose weight.

So what now? I haven't been exercising as much as I should. UGH. There. I said it. I KNOW! I KNOW!!! Do I have any volunteers to do it FOR me???

Is it possible I'm eating too many sticks and stones and vegetables and fruit? Maybe I need to walk 4.2 miles a day and only eat bird seed. And no, I'm not bitter. (queue maniacal laughter)

Why is this such an issue for me?? This is the one area in my life where I cannot get control, cannot wrap my arms around it and make it be what I want it to be. That's a very uncomfortable feeling.