Just say no to food

I find myself clenching my teeth a lot. At least yesterday and today. I decided to give up eating the other day. I mean, what else is freaking left? In the last couple of years I got myself into a mindset of NOT dieting because of course dieting doesn't work. And then hmmm, eat what I want, eat only when I'm hungry, and stop when I am full. Great! I can do that!! Yeah. All the way to where I am now. :(

I was thinking of a bypass. Literally, a mini-gastric bypass like Gil Gerard. And then I was thinking well, how is it those people lose weight? They do it by not eating! The only difference is - their stomach is reduced to a size that makes them not ABLE to eat. So why the hell can't I just not eat - like they do? Why do I have to get my stomach stapled or some such thing, when I can just stop eating?

So I did. Okay I might be exaggerating somewhat. But I am ignoring my hunger, clenching my teeth and going about my day. And you know what else? I don't care if it's healthy! I really don't! That's how desperate I am. Yesterday I ate a bagel for breakfast and later in the day I had some fresh pineapple. Today I had a bagel for breakfast, later I had a granola bar, later some baked beans and then a yogurt. Not looking for balance, not looking for vitamins, just looking to lose. And if I have the mindset going - I'm going to take advantage of it. I simply cannot walk around like this much longer.

So which is worse? To be fat from the get-go - as a kid, to grow up that way and never know any different? Or, to be average sized, maybe pretty, for a good portion of your life, only to get fat later? Which? I can only see it from my perspective but holy cow do I feel bad about myself right now. Somehow I can feel good about many things about myself, but feel absolutely less then nothing about how I look. I haven't even cut my hair in a million years, let my last short haircut just grow the hell out. No trims, the hair still shorter where it was cut over my ears, shaggy in the back and self cut bangs in the front. I'm a mess. But it will all get better when I slim down. Right? I will buy nicer clothes, take care of my hair and try to look pretty.

Oh but right now this sucks. Oh how it sucks.

Wherein this becomes the bitter blog

I wrote about it on my regular blog. My visit to the doctor last week didn't offer me a lot of relief from my chronic fatigue to my fatness. That 400 lb purple elephant in the room. Ugh. He ended up giving me diet pills again. I've probaby never given them a good chance before. He also gave me water pills. So now I have pills for depression, pills for thyroid, pills for water, pills for dieting. Oh wait - pills for sleeping too! Woo hoo!

And what did I land upon this morning while flipping channels? Some show going into details about why diet pills don't work. Ai yi yi. Like I don't have enough excuses!

Tonight I told my daughter I would not be coming down to see her in the Vajay-jay monologies. The role she has this year is just too weird for a mom. For this mom anyway. And that's the truth. But how much does the fat enter into it? How much do I just not want to be seen like this? I am truly starting to get angry about it. Angry with myself.

About the thing the fat interferes with. Today is the 2nd day on the diet pill. Had a bagel for breakfast and some fresh pineapple later. Really nothing after that. I know starving myself is not the answer but I need to lose some weight to feel comfortable to start exercizing.

I hate even talking about any of this. When I say it out loud - failing at it hurts more.

I'm thinking about it.

Last night I watched a show on Discovery Health (I think) about gastric bypass surgery. Gil Gerard (Buck Rogers fame) has had weight problems his whole life, ballooning up to 350 lbs at more than one time in his life. But now, he had diabetes, heart problems, and probably wouldn't live another couple of years.

He had a "mini-gastric bypass" which involves reducing the size of the stomach and rerouting beyond about 6 feet of intestine. It was done laparoscopically. To me, that's the clincher. It used to be a huge major surgery with a long recovery time and I am not willing to do that.

With this surgery, Gil was in the hospital 1 day, and they had him up and walking within a few hours of surgery. The next day he was out of bed and felt good.

I will be checking my insurance to see if it covers bariatric surgery. If it does - I will be talking about it to my regular smart-ass Internist. We will see, but I am encouraged. I simply cannot keep up like this. I feel horrible about myself and am not in good shape at all.

What's it going to take?

Sitting here watching "Dr G., Medical Examiner." Good show, very interesting. But all the things people die of on a regular basis, aneurysms, heart disease, strokes, complications of diabetes, geez it's all so scary. I'm not really scared of dying I don't think, but I am scared of being disabled, having a stroke or something and not being able to take care of myself.

My dad died from a stroke. But before he had the one that killed him, he had one that disabled him. He couldn't talk. He couldn't walk, couldn't use a good portion of the left side of his body, and he was left handed. Horrible to see. I may not have gotten along with him, didn't have a great relationship, but he was a proud man, especially proud of his intellect. I do not want to be in that position.

I am pre-diabetic right now. I cannot go up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing for 5 minutes afterwards. I sit all day at work and I sit when I get home. What the hell is it going to take to get me to DO something?

Every night before I go to sleep I think about what I can do to get in shape. I picture myself forcing myself to go outside and walk every day when I get home from work. I see myself on the treadmill - watching TV. I even picture myself jogging on the treadmill trying to get in shape to do a 5K run or something.

And every day I do nothing.

Is there some reason I am not aware of that I want to stay like this? Am I proving something to myself - I mean - I don't keep people really close to me anymore, am I trying to further push more people away? I don't know.

But it really is quite clear that I will add years to my life if I start exercising and eating better. Why don't I? I should be the one to answer that but the truth is - I just don't know.

NO. What's that?

At some point I stopped telling myself no. I have totally lost control of what I allow myself and what I don't. I used to have a natural feel for whether I was letting things get away from me and needed to cut back. That doesn't exist anymore. It's like I don't know myself anymore.

After my divorce I entered into a relationship with a man that lasted a good 8, almost 9 years. It was a very destructive relationship although I did not see that at the time. There was no abuse or intentional infliction of pain, but there was turmoil and emotional conflict and uncertainty all of the time.

He was very controlling. Not in the sense that I couldn't leave the house or could not have friends or any of the things you think of when you think of control. He kept me off balance emotionally all of the time. I never knew for sure where I stood with him. It's hard to explain. I lived in his house and although it was supposed to be mine as well - I always knew it was his. I could paint a room if I wanted to but it had to be within his parameters. I could work on some landscaping projects in the yard but it had to meet his specifications as to what he wanted to see in front of his house.

When we broke up and I moved out of his house, it was like I could breathe again. I bought colorful bedding and colorful dishes, hung things on the walls and reveled in expressing who I was and making my own choices. Maybe it was then that I stopped telling myself no.

Part of celebrating ME - was allowing myself what I wanted because it was my decision. My choice. I'm not blaming him for my weight gain. That's all me. But I really think that was the time where I started to let everything go.

Now - I need to figure out how to stop it.