From Fat to Fifty

In order for this to be a success, there is something I have to do.

2011-08-21T17:37:00.001-05:00

My weight has fluctuated a lot for almost 30 years. The big gain was when I was pregnant with my son and although that weight was lost - it was gained and lost several times after that. But the biggest and most consistent gain came when - I'm sorry Honey - my boyfriend bought me a laptop.

Before that time I shared a desktop computer with my son and it was simply not possible for me to be on it all the time. Eventually my son got his own laptop so I would have had more access, but the portability of the laptop did me in. It was too easy to park it in front of the couch on a TV tray or after that - a small computer station on wheels. And that's where I sat. Where I am sitting right now.

It is doubtful I will go back to a tower and monitor. But what I need to do is park my laptop at a desk and make sure it stays there. Because once I come home from work I park myself in front of the TV and laptop and that's where I stay. Not much housework gets done and not nearly enough projects get finished and certainly - very little exercise takes place.

Things cannot continue like this if I am to be successful in losing the weight I need and want to lose. The lap band is a tool. It's not a magic bullet and it's not going to make things better all by itself. And I know me - I cannot imagine that I will always be perfect with my diet no matter how hard I strive to be. So things need to change so more physical movement will be added to my day, every day.

Being aware of this issue for a long time has not been enough. Now I have to make the changes, and I am willing to do it. I have to.

Surgery

2011-08-14T22:24:00.002-05:00

Tentatively scheduled for August 24th. Well, it IS scheduled for August 24th. But on Tuesday I have to have an upper GI, chest x-ray, EKG and blood work and if anything is wrong - scratch surgery on the 24th. Found out during my ultrasound the other day that I have gallstones which I imagine I will discuss with the surgeon on the 19th when I see him. Was somewhat surprised but why? I've had kidney stones, why not gallstones? The difference is the gallstones have been silent, no symptoms so I don't think I have to do anything about them. But - we will see what the doc says. I have been on the protein shake meal replacement diet for a week now, and surprise surprise, don't think I've lost any weight. Makes me wonder if surgery will help either, but what the hell. I'm going to do it and I'm going to try to change the way I do things, pay attention to hunger vs. emotional or mindless eating, things like that.

Onward.

**Just re-read this and realized how flippant it sounds. I really am putting a lot of thought and effort into this. I know I have to change my habits and even more importantly - my mindset. I am aware, and I am working on it. I am a work in progress.

Pins and needles .. needles and pins

2011-08-09T19:03:00.000-05:00

When did I begin this journey? Was it January or February? Not sure, not really important. My insurance company required that this fat girl jump through a ton of hoops before I would ever find out whether or not I would be approved for the surgery. Some of the hoops were required by the surgeon. I have not been lucky enough to have everything covered and have been shelling out the money for what insurance did not pay. It's been so long. Finally, the paperwork went to the insurance company and I sat on pins and needles - and waited.

Yesterday the surgeon's office called and told me I had been denied for in-patient surgery. I wanted to cry. NO! That's not what I said, not sure what words came out of my mouth. Then the gal said - so we are resubmitting for out-patient. Her tone of voice wasn't encouraging and I was afraid to ask what the chances were that they would turn around and approve me with that change. I was terrified to hear her answer.

Today I saw that number come up on my phone when it rang. Again I was afraid. It seemed better to not know. But - I'm glad I answered!

Some things are worth waiting for.

SO. FREAKING. LONG!

2011-08-01T21:13:00.001-05:00

Oh my gosh everyone said this process would just fly by. Um .. NOT. Finally finished my 6 month supervised diet where I lost a whopping 11 lbs proving how bad I am at dieting .. and now is when the insurance company gets all the paperwork and I get approved, right?

Not so fast!

There is that little detail of the clearance from my primary care physician - phone call made - check! But oh my - apparently the diet, stress test, 2 sleep tests, acquiring a cpap machine, a lap band class and a dietary evaluation are not enough! Next comes the upper GI and the chest x-ray! Well actually, those only happen when I know I am approved. If I am approved. I also threw a pap and exam and a mammogram in there for good measure, and hopefully I am approved because my doc wanted me to have a chest x-ray anyway - being an ex-smoker like I am.

Whew. No idea this was going to take so long.

Renee, the gal I started all this with who has different insurance and beat me to the surgery table by at least 3 months has already lost 50 lbs! I am so jealous.

Please, Please, PLEASE let's get moving!!!

Impatient much?

Maybe, but it really has been a long time.

Sigh-h-h ...

I know, I know, I know ...

2011-06-01T22:14:00.003-05:00

M-M-m-m-m ..

Ahem. Hi. My name is BetteJo and I own this blog. If anyone ever actually owns anything on the internet, I own this. But I have been away. Could it be guilt? Maybe. Surprising how difficult this is turning out to be. Insurance wants me to lose weight before they will approve surgery. But if losing weight was easy - surgery wouldn't be needed! Gah.

How many times have I discussed emotional eating? And how many times in the last month or 2 did I say - well - I deserve to have this - what if I can't eat this after surgery? It's bizarre. I haven't been totally stuffing my face every single day, but neither have I been depriving myself. Oh no. Matter of fact for almost a week straight I ate a grilled cheese sandwich every single day. Soft, mushy, carb laden bread, butter, frying pan and CHEESE. Yum! If that was all I ate on those days it wouldn't be so bad. But usually it came at the end of an otherwise food-filled day.

FAIL.

And the amazing thing is I can feel the spiral - like the skin on my face is stretched back because the G's are so great as I spiral down to earth. SPLAT! Soon, anyway. And I am having to fight with everything I have to break this pattern.

So - ugh - the ultimate control device - writing it all down. All of it. Being honest on paper and making the resolution to bring it with to my next doctor's appointment - having LOST weight on this visit. Which might mean I had gained at the last visit, but I'm not saying.

I start today.

***

Tortured no more!

2011-03-24T22:45:00.000-05:00

Today was my last "conditioning" appointment. I have gone for a total of 8 times, working out for almost an hour each time. Don't tell Mercedes but - I'm going to kind of miss those hours.

People always say how easy it is for celebrities and wealthy people to stay in shape, they have personal trainers, cooks, etc. And now I am even more convinced that's true. When my arms were shaking and so tired I could barely lift them to do 2 more reps - - - by myself? I would have stopped without doing those 2. A trainer pushes you to do what you think you can't.

And there's a hell of a lot I still can't do.

But going to these appointments have re-focused me in terms of exercise. What I need to do, how I need to do it, how often, and how far I can push myself. I NEED to continue this. All by myself.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can ...

At my doctor's visit last week my blood pressure was a bit high, as well as at my pulmonologist's appointment. Doc says we will keep an eye on it. So while of course the whole point of all of this is to lose weight, to be thin, it is more to be healthy than to be cute. I don't have that many years of "cute" left, but hopefully I will have several years of healthy life ahead if I am able to complete this journey.

But I want to make one thing clear.

Although Madonna and I are the same age - that --------------------------------->
is NOT my goal.

Ewww.

Little update ..

2011-03-11T19:33:00.000-06:00

Had to go back for more torture today, I knew Scott would be the guy. Before I went I was debating, hemming and hawing, just really didn't want to go. I thought of several reasons to cancel but the real reason would have been that I did not want to spend another hour with Scott.

But I went.

And it was okay. I didn't mention what happened yesterday, he didn't mention it, we talked while I walked on the treadmill and learned a little about each other. He's not an awful person, but I said yesterday that I didn't think he was. The boundaries have been set, I will respect the knowledge he has about fitness and getting the most out of my exercise, and he will respect my prickly crazy sensitivity.

Yup. I feel a little stupid today. I'm not saying my feelings yesterday were not valid, I'm just thinking I could have counted to 10 before I reacted. That's all.

Now, after spending 2 days in a row with Scott, every muscle in my body hurts. I am going to take some Ibuprofen, run a hot bath and soak. Early to bed for me. Guess that means he really knows his stuff, huh? Ugh, it hurts to admit that. Sigh-h-h ...

The length of this post ...

2011-03-10T21:16:00.000-06:00

.. is completely proportionate to how deeply I feel on this subject.

There are moments of clarity from my childhood, where I remember quite clearly making a realization of some sort. There was one moment I want to talk about, and it took place sitting on my neighbors porch swing (yeah, I'm that old) when I was about 7 or 8 years old. My neighbor, her name was Cindy, was the same age I was, as a matter of fact we shared the same birthday. We were good friends from the time I moved in next door at 5, till junior high when she became way too cool for me. But that's another story altogether.

The image that I can see in my mind's eye is of Cindy's bare feet. She never had bare feet. I was one of those kids who never had shoes on and my feet were brown and calloused and dirty all the time. But Cindy had flat feet and was never allowed outside without her shoes on. Special shoes. Those shoes never stopped her for a second, and she always had to wear them.

One day I went over to Cindy's house, she was just out of the bathtub and begged her mom to let her go outside without her shoes. She promised she would only sit on the swing, she wouldn't walk anywhere except from the door to the swing and from the swing to the door. With promises in place, her mom let her come out and sit on the swing with me.

Cindy's feet were impossibly pink and pale and they looked so soft. I was fascinated by them, they were so different from my own. They were also long and narrow, total opposites of mine. As I stared at Cindy's feet while I pushed the swing with mine, I realized it wasn't only her feet that were different. You could see the long muscles in her legs. She had long slender fingers and strong sinewy arms and when she stood you could see the definition of her muscles even more.

Remember, we were 7 or 8 years old. Cindy didn't exercise, she played! WE played. We ran around and chased each other, we roller skated and sometimes pretended to be famous baseball players. When Cindy could get her hands on her brother's skate board we would sail down the driveway on it. We were active, outside all day long in the summer, we were the same that way.

But I was soft.

You wouldn't have been able to see the muscles or any definition in my legs or arms. My feet were (still are) short and wide. My hands were chubby and my face was full. I wasn't chubby overall at the time. But you could tell Cindy and I naturally had different body types. She was better at anything athletic than I was. She could do cartwheels way before I could, she could run faster and throw a ball like a boy.

I realized at that moment while looking at Cindy's feet, that people are different, fundamentally.

We are not all blessed with naturally athletic bodies. We are not all given genes that predispose us to be thin or fast or smart or beautiful - or any of those things we value about physicality in this society. So while I understand many people work very hard at achieving fitness, some people start out with a better hand naturally.

My ~~office~~ room mate at work is one of those naturally thin people. She is 57 years old and maybe only 10 lbs heavier than she was in high school. She eats all day long. She does exercise but not consistently, definitely not all the time. And if I ate the amount she does, or what she does, and exercised the amount she does, I would still not have her body.

I am different from her.

Today I was, believe it or not, kind of looking forward to my ~~torture~~ conditioning. Matter of fact I was debating whether or not to tell that to Mercedes as I was driving to my appointment. But when I got there, I had someone else. A young guy named Scott. I had not met him before. I knew I was supposed to have tomorrow's appointment with him, but today I was scheduled with Mercedes. Okay, that was fine.

In any situation that is new, my m.o. is to joke around, usually in a self deprecating way, to get a feel for the other person, to break the ice, etc. Scott came in the room as I was getting off the treadmill, he had been upstairs finishing off with another client while I was getting started. He asked me some questions, made a few funny remarks which is obviously his personality. Great - I hate it when I have to deal with someone who won't crack a smile or laugh. But when he asked what my aim was, why I was there, his response took me aback.

I said I was getting ready to do the lap band and he asked about when I was scheduled. I told him I wouldn't be scheduled for another 5 months at least. He said something to the effect of "why not spend the next 5 months doing this - and not have the surgery?" He said it as an aside, a throw away line not actually meant to be discussed or answered. He probably expected me to laugh but instead I said "you need another job." I'm not sure if he even heard me.

Fat is one of the last allowable prejudices out there. Well, that and being a Christian these days but that's for another day and another blog. People who are fat are seen as lazy gluttons who lay around with a bucket of fried chicken, a pint of premium ice-cream and a big gulp beside them, watching TV and feeding their faces.

Anyone who has gotten to the point of considering weight loss surgery has felt the sting of people's perceptions of them over and over again. If not in what they say then in how they look at them. At how people smirk when they order food at a restaurant or watch what's on the belt in the check-out at the grocery store. If you are fat in this society it's allowed to be looked down upon. Because it's always your fault.

I did not feel like I should have to explain my weight to Scott. I didn't feel like I should have to tell him how many times I have exercised and eaten right and lost weight. And obviously gained it again. Did he need to know that my initial weight gain was with my first pregnancy? No, because he could just point to someone who has had several children and doesn't look like me. Did I owe him an explanation about quitting smoking and taking meds that can cause weight gain, did I need to explain to him about how your body screams to be fat if you've ever been fat before? So if you have been fat and lose weight, you will always struggle with it. Did I have to explain that to him? Maybe I needed to tell him about breaking my ankle in 3 places and the plate and pins I still carry from it? Or what about caring for my mother for the last 6 months with a crazy schedule and taking care of her until she died with all the emotions that accompany that? What about the huge amount of stress at work for the last year and half? Did he deserve to hear about how I don't sleep well so am tired all. the. time??

No. I didn't owe him any of those explanations. Because the fact is - I am fat. I got here. I have tried and tried to change it. Actively. But I always end up here again. And I simply can't do this anymore. I am fifty-freaking-one years old. I have developed diabetes and my toes burn all the time. This is like a reset button for me. A second chance. And nobody, nobody has the right to be condescending to me about it.

Now I'm sure Scott would say that wasn't what he meant by it. And I am absolutely sure he meant no harm, was not trying to be insulting or patronizing or anything of the sort when he suggested I might want to exercise for 5 months and skip the surgery. And I am equally sure he's a good guy and not a jerk, but I couldn't let it slip. I did not want an apology, I wanted him to understand why what he said was insulting and hurtful.

If a man is going to work in a rehab situation and it is going to include working with fat people who are headed for weight loss surgery, he needs to have a perspective change. I don't need any implications that I haven't exercised or haven't tried to lose weight using hard work or that surgery is the easy way out. I don't need to be coddled but I could use some encouragement when I am putting on sweats and working out harder than I have in years. Treadmill I have done, but those lunges and squats - Oh. My. God.

But I digress.

I told Scott we needed to have a little talk about the remark he made. And ... wait for it .. wait for it ... he didn't know which remark I was referring to! GAH!

There was no way I could get my thoughts straight while doing lunges in order to tell him what he said and why it was bad. I tried. But it sounded whiny and stupid. And I have no doubt when I left he said "what a freaking bitch!" I suppose I wouldn't have blamed him either.

When I got in the car and started to drive home I was near tears. I was remembering how my mom told me - after I had lost the weight from my first pregnancy - that when she saw me at 9 months - she just felt sick. Yeah. Good memory. And I remembered my ~~office~~ room mate at work telling me that because I own a treadmill, I have no excuse! Or how one of the guys at work looked at a picture of me from 5 years ago and said "wow BJ, you used to be hot!" Yeah, good times. And there will always be Ken Cooper who set the stage in 7th grade when he pointed to my butt and said "bigger than the whole state of Alaska!" gesturing with his arms to illustrate the gigantic size.

I did not experience much of the teasing or bullying some fat people have. But it still hurts when someone is not sensitive at all to the fact that people who are fat - don't want to be fat. At least for the most part. People are different from the get-go and the path people travel is uniquely their own. You cannot judge someone by their size.

You do not know how they got there.

And I bet you - Cindy has never been fat.

I'm tired.

2011-03-08T22:03:00.000-06:00

So tired. Every time I leave one of those conditioning torture sessions I feel good, glad I did it, happy I was moving and huffing and puffing. But every day I come home from work the LAST thing I want to do is exercise. I want so badly to get a really good night's sleep, I cannot tell you. I used to be such a great sleeper it just really makes me sad to fail at it now. And it makes me tired.

The sleep study showed mild apnea when in non-REM sleep, most apnea occurs when you are in REM sleep. I didn't get any REM sleep that night. Not incredibly surprising. So a second sleep study is needed, this time with a sleep medicine to help me get to that deeper stage of sleep.

I don't care if I end up sleeping with one of those machines hooked up to my face, as long as I can sleep. I crawl out of bed each morning, go feed the cats, take my meds, make a cup of tea, put my underwear and robe in the bathroom for after my shower and take my cup of tea into my bedroom and set it next to my makeup mirror. Instead of turning right around and going to take my shower, I lay down again and close my eyes, luxuriating in the very idea of blissfully drifting off again. If I didn't need my job so badly I would be late every. single. day. Even after my shower I do not feel awake.

So if anything at all comes out of this weight loss surgery journey, I will be forever grateful if it is finding the key to getting a good night's rest again.

Sweating to the youngsters.

2011-03-04T23:05:00.000-06:00

Today was my 3rd "conditioning" appointment. First 2 times was with Mercedes. Today it was Paul. A guy. I just love sweating in yoga pants and a tee shirt in front of a guy. When I met him I told him I was old enough to be his mother so he needed to treat me the way he would treat his mother if he was making her exercise. He looked so puzzled that for a minute I thought oh my God his mother is dead, or a witch, or belongs to a cult and he hasn't heard from her since he was 6 years old. Gah! No, apparently his mother is a skinny little thing who smokes like a fiend and would never listen to him so he can't imagine making her exercise. Whew. Dodged that embarrassing bullet.

I tend to talk a lot during all of these appointments. I talked to Oscar the sleep study guy, emailed back and forth with Michelle the insurance gal, goofed with Mercedes and joked with Beth. In my mind these people need to like me. They are going to help me reach my goal and I know that in my job I will work harder and go out of my way for someone who is nice and makes me like them. It's human nature. So, I talk and I joke and I'm nice. It's not like I'm acting or anything, but I need these people.

I guess you could say I'm charming them. And really, these people deal with all kinds of people every day, as do I. And I do appreciate the people who make an effort to be friendly or funny and goodness knows I appreciate - patient!

My dentist once told me I'm a good patient. Hair stylists have told me the same thing. I sit still and let them do their job. I guess I am trying to be a good patient all across the board with this thing. The journey of a NICE fat girl, to NICE thin girl. Or maybe it would be more accurate - NICE HEALTHY girl. That's the whole point.

Don't tell Paul but it actually kind of felt good to push myself today. Sh-h-h .. I notoriously hate exercise, don't tell anyone I felt more like challenging myself. Hate to ruin my rep.

Where I die .. one muscle at a time.

2011-02-23T21:57:00.000-06:00

Sleep study is behind me, although I still have to see a pulmonologist to get the result interpreted. Instead of re-posting about it, let's jump straight into yesterday and the little stick-figure girl who tried to kill me. For 4 weeks I am required (my new favorite word, "required") to go see my personal ~~torturer~~ ~~trainer~~ ~~rehab~~ conditioning lady, twice a week. I met her yesterday and she already has it in for me. I don't know what I ever did to her!

For the record, I am shocked at how little I could actually do.

The stick figure girl's name is Mercedes. Her job is to help me learn how to exercise and how to do it properly, and to get me to start moving again. I mean honestly, I'm fifty-freaking-one years old, I KNOW how to exercise. It's just that I have gotten too fat to do it comfortably or to do it without feeling like I'm gonna die!

Oh, and you just know that when we went into the torture chamber I was confronted with something I have been spending a few years totally avoiding - a WHOLE WALL OF MIRRORS!! You just KNOW I wanted to be THERE!

Anyway, she did horrible things to me like made me stand on one foot for 30 seconds! And she made me do it on the other foot too! Then she gave me something squishy to stand on and I had to stand on it on one foot again - for 30 seconds, and then the other foot too! The horror! From there - there was an even squishier thing to stand on .. and oh .. I need to sit down.

So she concentrated on my legs, my thigh muscles, the one's that do most of the weight bearing. Well - I'm walking around (sometimes) aren't I?? Sheesh! After some squats (I know, right??!) and a bunch of lunges she directed me to the treadmill. By then my face was bright red, I was out of breath and as the treadmill (on the lowest possible speed already) monitored my heart rate, SLOW DOWN kept scrolling across the read-out. Mercedes asked me more than once, "do you have any heart problems?"

Yeah, not starting out well, this moving thing. Hafta keep going ...

**Oh, that little girl who does not need to exercise herself - Mercedes? She may actually be a nice young girl who is doing her job effectively. Then again, she may really want to kill me.

Another step ..

2011-02-14T21:31:00.001-06:00

Saw my primary care physician today, brought him chocolate ~~as a bribe~~ because it's Valentine's Day. He's a bit of a chocoholic, or so I understand. I had spoken to his nurse a week ago and she said "Well .. talk to him. He doesn't usually do diets." She said it like I was asking him to monitor my body piercing spree. So I came prepared today. Chocolate because it is a legitimate gift on a recognized holiday, and paperwork from my surgeon's office explaining what was required.

A little voice in the back of my head was remembering when my therapist (yes I've done that too) sent me to him asking for an anti-depressant and hearing him say "I'm not going to be any one's prescription pad." So he proceeded to question me for a couple of minutes to find out why my therapist thought I needed meds, and when I burst into tears in the middle of it he was all ..okay I'll give you the drugs!

Mmm.. Toblerone

Today, he saw the chocolate, looked over the paperwork and said sure, we can do this! WHEW!!!

After making 5 consecutive future appointments I was on my way out when one of the ladies in the office asked what I was having done. I told her and she said "Oh I wanted to do that! I signed up for a seminar but I didn't go." She asked me how you get approved and when I told her about the sleep study, the psychologist, the diet .. she said "Nah! Too much work!" and dismissed the idea completely. Which is fine, I'm not about talking people into doing this too. But my thought was - she doesn't want it badly enough, cause even fat girls will jump through hoops when they really want something.

It's against the Geneva Convention, isn't it?

2011-02-11T21:08:00.000-06:00

I should look so good!

I hate the phone. Or more accurately, I hate the phone at home. Does not even occur to me to check my messages very often. When I do I hope all the messages are junk I can delete immediately. Not sure why I feel that way. Regardless, I listened to my answering machine yesterday and discovered that a rehab place had called. Apparently my new surgeon type doctor requested they put me on a conditioning program. It's kind of amazing really. You want weight loss surgery so you are willing to do whatever "they" tell you to do. They being the insurance companies and the doctors.

So, for 4 weeks, twice a week, I will be going to see a physical therapist, basically. But for some people it will become - my personal trainer. Yep, that's it, a personal trainer! I've always wanted my own trainer, haven't you?

They don't water board fat girls, do they?

Taking the good with the bad

2011-02-08T22:08:00.000-06:00

Heard from my surgeon's office today, Michelle, who does the insurance for A - N or some such stretch of the alphabet, called me. But before she called me, Liz from the sleep study place phoned. Yay! Can you say exciting? I made an appointment for next Friday for the sleep study, spoke about what I need to do, what to bring, etc. The only bad part is that I cannot use a computer or even my phone as it may interfere with the equipment. Hmm. Too cheap to put out for wi-fi, me thinks. So that will be tough for me. But WHO CARES?!?! It's a sleep study! I've always wanted to do one.

THEN Michelle called me, she had verified coverage with my insurance plan - good - and had confirmed I have to do a 6-month supervised diet first - BAD. But I can do it with my primary care physician and that's good! I have an appointment to see him on Monday, Valentines Day. Did I mention he's a chocoholic? He doesn't usually do diet supervision but I am going to bring him chocolate and convince him how easy it will be. Already going to see enough new doctors.

Michelle went on to tell me at about month 5 of the diet I will finish up the things like the psych evaluation and whatever else is left over. Liz called back and left me a voicemail saying that after my sleep study I need to see a pulmonologist to go over results of that. I will call to make that appointment tomorrow.

Finally. The ball begins to roll. *Gleeful grin*

. . . and then I will live happily ever after.

2011-02-04T21:13:00.002-06:00

It's easy to think that if only I were thin again, I would be happy. I wouldn't be embarrassed or ashamed of how I look, I would be more willing to put myself out there and risk being the center of attention. I wouldn't feel the need to hide when I saw an old boyfriend, and on and on. Well a lot of that is true. But weight loss alone cannot make anyone happy. It's a tool and it's all in how you use it. Look at the picture below, at all the maladies made worse by obesity. And look at the percentages of improvement!

My doctor says I am borderline enough that if I lose weight I will no longer be considered diabetic. That's HUGE for me. And if the reason I am tired all the time is because I have sleep apnea and that is resolved to some degree, that would be incredible too. Oh to wake up actually feeling like I slept! So to me at this point, the health factor is actually more important than the cosmetic part.

I would be lying if I said I didn't want to feel attractive again. I do! I do! Raising my hand and copping to that! But as I've mentioned to several people - my dad and his brother both had strokes before they died. I am terrified of that. I need to take care of myself as well as possible and I've come to the realization that since I have been heavy in my life, my body wants to be heavy and those fat cells will always be screaming to be fed. So I need help with that. I need help to get to a point where I can do yoga - which I enjoy - and not experiencing my belly getting in the way. I would love to be able to go out and walk - without feeling like people are looking at me. And oh my gosh I would love the aches in my joints to lesson and the discomfort of extra weight to be gone. I need help with it and I am going to take that path. And I am excited to be doing it.

Good news! Sort of ..

2011-01-31T19:25:00.000-06:00

My first phone call after I left the doctor's office today "Guess what? I'm fatter than I thought!"

Okay, maybe not fatter. And normally I would never use 'fatter' and 'good' in the same sentence. But apparently I am an inch shorter than I thought I was, and that brought my BMI up closer to the BMI that is acceptable for weight loss surgery without having to have additional things like diabetes or sleep apnea.

The doctor did not seem to think I would have a problem being approved which was a relief. He also seemed to think I would only need to do a 3 month diet as opposed to a 6 month diet which is what I had heard previous. The sooner the better, I say! I need to call in a week to make sure the test results they did today are back, to get started on the next steps. I need to see a pulmonologist, a dietitian, a psychologist, and I can't remember who else. Whatever. Let's get this thing going!!!

Very, very pleased.

Tomorrow, the bariatric guy

2011-01-30T17:01:00.002-06:00

I have been waiting for tomorrow. It is when I get to see the bariatric surgeon to decide whether or not I am a candidate for weight loss surgery. I am nervous.

Yesterday I went downtown with my daughter to go to a wedding expo. Walking from the car to the building was maybe one city block and I was winded. Very winded. We walked a lot but what killed me more was the 10 to 15 minutes we stood in one place. My back started to ache and I feared I would have to be rude and find a way to back out of the conversation (my daughter and one of her friends) so I could walk around. I don't do anything physical anymore so some of this is not unexpected but the degree to which I have deteriorated is startling. And mostly it's not healthy.

So tomorrow I am hoping the doctor agrees with me. I'm not as worried about convincing my insurance company as much as I am the doctor. Pretty sure if the doctor says it's a go - the insurance company will follow suit as long as I dot all the i's and cross all the t's and jump through every hoop they require. But the doctor will be the hands on examination, reading my blood test results, listening to my heart and taking my blood pressure.

NOT ME. Very few pics, remember?

There are very few pictures of me from the last 10 years. I don't allow people to take pictures and I wonder if one day I will regret that. But a few months ago when one of my brothers was in town, he managed to get a picture of me sitting on the bed in my mom's nursing home room. It's funny because I know I'm fat. I see myself in the mirror every now and again and complain about how hard it is to bend down, to get out of a low car, and many other things - I am always surprised when I see a picture. It's like part of me denies what has happened while another part of me knows. It's weird.

So tomorrow is the day. I'm nervous like I said. But I'm excited too. I'm hoping this is the start of something really good in my life.

There's an app for that!

2011-01-22T14:40:00.001-06:00

On my main blog I wrote about doing a sleep study soon. It's required before you can have weight loss surgery and I really do think it's cool. But since I had to go off Ambien because it heightened my shopping proclivities, ahem, I wake up every day feeling like I haven't slept at all.

So me being me, I had to find out on my own. There's an app for that! It's pretty cool, you can set it to start recording right away or a couple of hours after you go to sleep. It is sound activated so it doesn't just record for hours and hours even when nothing is going on. I've tried it a couple of times and well ... I have no idea what I'm listening to.

I trained myself as a teenager to breathe through my nose when I'm sleeping. It had to do with napping with my boyfriend and not wanting to drool on his shoulder or chest. I'm sure I don't succeed all the time but from the way it sounds - I do - most of the time. And I snore through my nose. It sounds like it's hard to breathe, it reminds me of how my mom would breathe when she was having a breathing episode, like someone with emphysema or asthma. It's a little like a goose quietly honking in his sleep. Attractive, huh?

But I have no idea whether or not what I'm hearing is normal or not. Self diagnosis is apparently not my strong suit and God knows I am not rooting for a Cpap machine. On the other hand if I do have sleep apnea, it would help me be approved for weight loss surgery. It's not something you can fake and it's not something I can know on my own.

But if I do have sleep apnea, and weight loss surgery helps me get a good night's sleep - BONUS!!! And a BIG bonus at that. I would love to know what it feels like to wake up energized or at least - rested. I guess I'll find out.

Sh-h-h-h .. while nobody is looking ....

2011-01-12T22:00:00.000-06:00

It's kind of funny. I'm not keeping this weight loss surgery thing a secret, but nobody reads this blog so I can talk about it all I want but it will still be a surprise to most!

I went to my seminar tonight. When you have weight loss surgery you have to do all kinds of things first. One thing is go to a seminar to learn all about the different kinds of surgeries available. I did that tonight. Apparently the hoops you jump through all depends on what insurance you have. I swear some of them make you miserable ahead of time just to get you to back out.

My lovely insurance requires a 6 month freaking supervised diet with a physician. Gah! While another insurance only requires 2 years of medical data from a patient's doc. Very arbitrary if you ask me. But - I made a consultation appointment with my chosen surgeon for the end of the month. In the meantime I have a stack of paperwork to finish! Weight loss and general health history paperwork. Yuk!

So.

2010-12-31T18:52:00.000-06:00

I saw my doctor yesterday. He wasn't sure I would qualify for lap band surgery, my particular insurance is hard to convince. But then he reviewed my blood work, my weight, the diabetes, some mild sleep apnea and now diabetic neuropathy, and said I actually should qualify. I wanted to make sure he was on board because even though this isn't his expertise - he is the doctor I've been seeing for the last 20 years and he knows me the best.

He also agrees that I only have so many years of "cute" left. The jerk. :)

So on Monday I believe, I will make contact with the doctor my doc recommended. I will have to go to the seminar, a psychologist or some such doc, do a few back flips and learn to eat fire, and then I can have the surgery. I will do whatever it takes - now that I have made this decision. As of right now, all systems are go!

Tired of hiding

2010-12-20T21:24:00.000-06:00

It's SNOWING outside, one of those snows where everyone on the road slows down and drives safely and everybody prays that one stupid jerk doesn't try to whip around a corner and kill us all! I enjoy this kind of snow though, the big fat, fluffy flakes that just keep coming and coming ... all day. and all night. Woo hoo! But then, I have 4 wheel drive on my girl's suv.

Not me

Regardless of whether there was snow or not, I needed to stop at Walgreen's to pick up a few prescriptions. Sitting at the drive-though I could see the customer standing at the counter inside. My old boyfriend. And I mean OLD. He was kind of my second boyfriend really, I was 18 and he was 23. But now I'm 51 and he's 56 and he looks old! We both pretended we had not seen each other, and I pretended I wasn't hiding behind the raised collar of my coat. Cold weather and high collars cover double chins quite nicely actually.

But they can't make me feel any better about doing it.

I've never been like that. I've always wanted to see people from previous times in my life, loved to see where they had gone, catch up on what they had done, etc. Not anymore. Now it's more likely I'd be ducking or turning away because it seems everyone I run into these days is from at least 50 pounds ago. Ugh. Intolerable. Now that I have made the decision to have the surgery if I can, it can't happen soon enough for me. I hate this feeling. I hate ducking almost as much as I hate the double chin.

Waiting for a new day!

This is not enjoyable.

2010-12-05T18:09:00.000-06:00

Anyone who knows me knows how much I love Christmas and especially - my Christmas tree. But this year, decorating it has not been enjoyable. This is the first time in my life that I feel uncomfortable moving around the tree, bending and reaching, going through the boxes and methodically bringing my tree to life.

I am literally physically uncomfortable because of my weight. Not good. So much has happened since I wrote last, my eating habits went totally off the rails again and then my mom passed away. Eating right has just not been a priority. But now I feel my toes burning a lot. Well, not exactly burning, but the sensation is similar to being out in the cold and coming into the warmth and your toes kind of tingling and burning a bit as they warm up. But mine feel that way for no apparent reason and I am afraid it is the diabetes.

How people continue with the struggle to lose weight, I just don't know. When you have been heavy, your body wants to stay heavy. You gain weight more quickly when you fall off the wagon than someone who never been overweight. I am tired of the struggle. Truly.

There is a girl I work with - Renee - we are in different states but we work together and she made the decision to see if she could be approved for the lapband. She is in much the same situation that I am - neither one of us has a high enough BMI to qualify with that alone. But both of us have the diabetes factor, and she has hypertension as well. Those things allow someone who is not quite morbidly obese still qualify (by insurance standards) for the surgery. I have decided to do it.

Renee and I are going to do it together, albeit in different places, but we will go through the process together and be supportive of one another. We have both taken the first step of signing up for seminars and making appointments to see our doctors.

It's not just that I'm frustrated, although I am. It's not just that I'm tired of the struggle, although I am. It's not even simply because I hate being fat, although I am. I am afraid of the diabetes but more than that - I am frightened of having a stroke. My dad had 2 strokes, and that is what killed him. He became diabetic probably 10 years before he died and even though he was taking better care of himself, losing weight and exercising, he still had his strokes. I am about 10 years ahead of my dad in terms of what age he was diagnosed with diabetes. And I take after my dad's side of the family in terms of body type, much more so than my mom's. And it terrifies me.

It's usually about a 6 month process to get approved for the procedure and for me - the decision was a big part of it. But now it's like Nike - it's time to just do it.

Triglycerides are within range!

2010-09-30T23:27:00.005-05:00

Yay! Triglycerides were bad a while back and now they are much better. But my glucose, my Hemoglobin A1C and my estimated average glucose - none were good. And my Cardio CRP! Not good either. Haven't had anything to write about here, I have been so busy taking care of my mom and trying to keep everything together.

SO - to heck with being fat - tonight I am shamelessly using and abusing this blog by trying out an Etsy tool I found where I can display it like a magazine. It's pretty cool but I want to see how it looks on my blog. On any blog for that matter. So please bare with my experiment. Thank you!!

It's really hard to situate this thing. To make it small enough it makes the print hard to read. And if I center it - it gets cut off on the right. When I move it to the left - it's actually more in the center. Weird.

Oh well. Experiment done. Thank you for your patience.
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I can find any reason!

2010-05-24T22:53:00.003-05:00

Why is it I can find any reason to reward myself with food?

Oh I went and spent 3 hours with Mom at the nursing home. I deserve a BK Broiler chicken sandwich. Yeah, I picked up Mom's glasses, dropped off my daughter's phone at her house, and spent the rest of the evening with my mom. Dressed her for bed, gave her her breathing treatment and her meds. Tucked her in.

So yeah, I didn't eat dinner, so don't I deserve to just stop and pick up a meatball sandwich or something?

NO!

I've been giving in to it too much lately. Not good, no more "reward meals". Well, maybe one a week. :) But I need to get back on track even if my schedule is totally off the deep end.

Must. Do. Better.

What do you do with a bunch of asparagus?

2010-03-27T15:46:00.009-05:00

I'm not a cook, I've said that many times before. So staring at a bunch of fresh asparagus I didn't feel like roasting - I was at a loss. Yay interwebs!! I searched, found a recipe and made a frittata. And surprise, surprise - it was good!

Veggies simply aren't my favorite, but in order to keep my diabetes under control and to lose weight, I need to find a way to get more vegetables and fiber into my diet. And what can go wrong with eggs and cheese? Actually, nothing did. Even though you start a frittata in a frying pan and transfer the pan to the broiler, and I didn't know if my pan was oven-safe, it was okay. And I didn't have the kind of cheese the recipe called for and no fresh cilantro. I wouldn't know what fresh cilantro looked like if it jumped up and called my name. Still - I was impressed with my effort. Looks yummy, doesn't it? It was!

On another note - I've reached a milestone with my weight that I haven't seen in 4 years. I still have a long way to go but cutting out sugar and adding lots of fiber, fruits and vegetables has slowly been taking weight off.

Last doctor's visit he said if my glucose averages keep up the way they have been and I keep losing weight - he'll be able to take me off the diabetes meds. Best news I've had in a long time!

So yeah, I'll find ways to cook a bunch of asparagus if it keeps me headed in the right direction and on the road I need to be on.

Asparagus & Jack Cheese Frittata

I'm all about the fiber

2010-03-12T21:51:00.005-06:00

Ever since the big diabetes diagnosis I have been messing with my diet to try to achieve good numbers and better health. And so far it really does seem to be a huge balancing act. But one thing that helps a lot is fiber. Fiber in fresh fruit, fiber in vegetables, fiber in any way I can get it. Of course I do sleep alone, ahem. There ARE side effects.

I eat fiber bars and fiber toaster pastries, as well as yogurt with fiber. I eat a salad almost every day, and the bagels and bread I eat are whole wheat with extra sticks and stones. Don't get me wrong, I am very aware of the carbs and the sugars. But the fiber lessens the effect of those things because it helps glucose to be released into the blood more slowly avoiding the high numbers and spikes. If I eat a fiber bar a couple hours before bed - I usually have better numbers in the morning.

Now these fiber bars and toaster pastries are not nasty tasting with the texture of sawdust. They are chewy, but they also have chocolate or fruit. Being a HUGE lover of sugar, that's a big plus to me.

But really, while I miss candy and cake and sweets in general, I don't miss it as much as I thought I would. Because while I have it in smaller amounts - it's more satisfying because I know the day may come when I can't have it at. But if I continue to eat right and lose weight, as long as I balance what I eat throughout the day - I'm good!

Toward the end of November I bought a jar for sugar. I wanted a vintage glass jar, plain clear glass I could put 5 lbs of sugar in and keep on the kitchen counter. I filled it, jammed a small measuring cup into it and screwed the top on. Next to it is my sugar bowl. I refilled that bowl about every 2 weeks on the outside. Maybe sooner. Every morning when I was pouring water into my travel mugs for tea - there were also 2 teaspoons of sugar in each cup. 4 teaspoons didn't seem like much to me.

I was diagnosed at the beginning of December and I had yet to refill my sugar bowl or use any sugar from the jar. I just took this picture tonight. Same jar, same sugar, same sugar bowl. I haven't refilled the the sugar bowl once. Not one single time. 3 months later and the jar is still full. I guess I thought I was using that sugar for more than just my tea but apparently not. By now that jar should be half empty if I was using the sugar I used to. And it was only my morning cup and the cup I carried into work with me every day. Simply didn't feel like it was that much.

It wasn't that long ago that I was totally off the wagon. It was running over me and backing up and doing it again. I was eating every fast food in my vicinity and not monitoring portions or calories. Back on the wagon feels good. And the wagon does include Taco Bell. Not every day but I have it if I want it. Then I eat something I SHOULD eat to balance it out. I'm not beating myself up when I have something questionable, instead I'm trying to keep moving forward and fine tuning what works for me and what doesn't.

Easter and Halloween may be difficult but I'm optimistic. There are some wonderful sugar-free chocolates out there, and like the chocolate covered strawberries I had on Valentine's Day are just plain worth. Besides - Strawberries are very high in fiber!! :)

Hi, nice to see you!

2010-03-07T22:57:00.005-06:00

It's March! I haven't been here, have I? Hmmm. I needed to stop freaking out about food and try to sort out what affected my glucose numbers and what didn't. I guess I've learned I can compromise some.

I had a cannoli tonight. Without guilt and not as an act of rebellion. If I'm eating enough veggies and fiber, I allow myself something special like a cannoli oh, and pizza. It's smaller changes that are helping.

Not putting sugar in my tea.

Drinking green tea.

Drinking no pop with sugar,

Having no candy bars or boxes of Good n' Plenty I love to get when I stop at Walgreen's.

When I DO eat pizza I get the thinnest crust I can.

When I eat bread I make sure it has extra sticks and stones in it.

Eating tuna salad or egg salad without the bread.

If I have sugar free cookies or chocolate I really eat small portions because there are carbs. But it gives me a sweet treat now and then.

There is a refrigerated pudding - not sure which one - but it is sugar free Dulce e de Leche pudding and it is awesome.

If I eat pasta, it's whole wheat. I eat fiber bars and pour fiber into my Crystal Light, which I LOVE.

I try to balance the carbs with the veggies and stuff.

Packing my lunch every day is good because it's strictly what I pack - no trips to the machines in the lunch room.

And with foods I might want to eat too much off - like pasta or pizza - I eat it on a small plate and then make myself wait about 10 minutes before I go back for another portion. It helps.

It's getting to be a way of life I guess. I don't feel entirely deprived, I still have a real piece of dark chocolate now and then, but only a nugget size, not a whole candy bar. And on my daughter's birthday I had pineapple upside down cake I had made and IT. WAS. AWESOME.

So I'm learning the hard way, the way I learn everything else.

7 pounds in 3 months? Wow, pretty slow. But - it's one foot in front of the other right?

Using vegetables and yummy in the same sentence,

2010-01-16T19:40:00.005-06:00

Oh goodness, I haven't posted anything here since last year. Probably because I'm not thinking as much about losing weight as I am trying to get my sugar down. On the other hand, if I lost weight my sugar WOULD go down. It's become very obvious that I'm a carb addict and oh boy do I have a sweet tooth. Why would those wonderful things be put on the earth if we weren't meant to consume them? I'm just not a vegetable kind of gal. But tonight, I did eat this.

My daughter has been telling me how good roasted vegetables are. The vegetables in my life have usually been frozen, preferably with some kind of yummy sauce. I could not imagine cutting up some veggies, tossing them with a bit of olive oil and salt and pepper and simply roasting them in then oven could possibly be good.

Color me wrong. Yummy! For the record I roasted potatoes (skins left on), sweet potatoes (also with the skin), asparagus, carrots, zucchini (with skin), red peppers, and whole cloves of garlic. I had some squash which I forgot to cut up, another day I guess. And yes, the potatoes are carbs but eating them with no added sauce along side other vegetables make them okay. I think. I'm still learning. And next time - I need to have more green vegetables. But all in all, I would recommend this cooking method for vegetables. There's nothing to it and it's surprising good! (from a carb and sugar addict, that's saying something!)

Is there a 12-step program for cucumber addiction?

2009-12-28T22:38:00.007-06:00

*
I swear, it's weird. When I started to eat salads a while back trying to get a grasp on what would masquerade as control of my life, I started to find I really liked cucumbers. No, really. Cucumbers with the seeds cut out and sliced into thin little crescent moons of goodness. A splash of Old Dutch salad dressing which is labeled as sweet and sour - although to me it tastes like spicy vinegar - and I am happy!

I cut them up and put them in a container overnight, and take them to work in the morning. It's my own little kick-ass cucumber salad without cutting up onion or adding sugar - or any of the other ways people make it. Sometimes I add sliced tomato, this time I added some carrot. More for color and because I should - than anything else. I would be happy with just the cucumber.

Don't get me wrong, I would love a cannoli. But right now - cucumbers are wonderful! Sometimes I think I'm craving vinegar, but what vitamin or mineral would that translate into? No idea. Just enjoying my cucumbers.
*

Someday I'll eat cannoli

2009-12-22T22:01:00.006-06:00

*
Hey - everybody has to have a dream, right?

Yeah. Someday I'll have cannoli again.
*

High sugar, low mood

2009-12-09T19:12:00.006-06:00

I've been poking my fingers and measuring my glucose twice a day for a week now. I've only had one relatively close to "normal" reading the whole time.

My doctor looked at my test results and said "I'm going to have to treat you. You know that, right? I'm going to have to treat you." He said it like it was a punishment, like I had done something wrong and I knew what he meant. My numbers wouldn't be where they are if I had just lost weight. I couldn't do it and now my numbers are high enough that he had no choice except to treat me as a diabetic.

It was much easier before I was actually diagnosed, to think I could eat like a diabetic. I wasn't checking my blood sugar, I wasn't aware of all the sugar in foods I eat every day or how many foods are high carb.

Since coming home with my meter and no instruction beyond some pamphlets and what I have read online I have gone through many emotions. Crying in the car on the way home from the doctor's office is where I started. From there I think I moved to defiance - oh yes I WILL eat this piece of candy! And today - well today I am just down.

A co-worker just called me and asked if she brought in homemade butternut squash soup, would I eat it? She talked about the anti-oxidants and how good it would be for me. I hung up the phone and teared up again. It's almost 7:30 and I haven't eaten any dinner because I keep thinking - well there isn't anything I can eat anyway!

But it's not just the foods I need to avoid. It's all the mixed messages and confusing information I am getting in trying to research diabetes on my own. I didn't know exercise can lower blood sugar - but can also raise it if you do too much. Sugar is the enemy but no - carbs are worse than sugar - eat natural foods, the less processed the better but wait - fruit is a carb .....

End result to all of this is that I am just plain overwhelmed. Overwhelmed, maybe a bit scared, and if I'm being truthful - angry with myself.

Figures

2009-12-02T21:26:00.003-06:00

While my Mom was visiting I went to have blood work done, I had an order from my doctor and it was getting closer to my next appointment. Bad news was, a couple of days later there was a message on my answering machine telling me the doc wanted to order more tests. My TSH was out of whack, my lipids, and my glucose was bad.

New tests run and my Hemoglobin A1C was in the diabetic range, my triglycerides are out of this world, and by some of the other numbers apparently I have an infection or inflammation somewhere. Gr-r-r.

Watching my Mom with her COPD/Emphysema I felt grateful I had quit smoking years ago. Also observing her attraction to junk food annoyed me because I have that myself. But she is about 5 foot nothing and about 100 lbs - and has always been that way. I'm - not that.

So tomorrow is my doctor's appointment and I will take my lumps. Or gastric sleeve maybe, yeah - that's the ticket!

We will see. Hopefully I will at least remember to shave my legs first.

A diet that could come naturally!

2009-11-13T21:42:00.002-06:00

Think about this: they skip breakfast, workout on an empty stomach, eat a big lunch, take a nap, wake up and then eat an enormous dinner with lots of beer or saki until they pass out. Their fat cells are loving it!

Finally! A diet that wouldn't require much of a lifestyle change! Well, except for that workout thing.

I see fat people

2009-11-12T20:31:00.006-06:00

The girl at work I share an office/room with is one of those naturally thin people who likes healthy food and enjoys being active. She is older than I am and definitely has some personality .. uh .. quirks. She tends to be a bit superior in her attitude and I try to balance her out somewhat. I have been known to call her on some of the things she says and we have had some spirited debates.

But today she let slip an attitude she has managed to keep in check since we have started to work together so closely. Speaking about Oprah, who I really don't like but in this case an easy target - "Oh well Oprah has NO excuse!" She was speaking about her weight. Almost as soon as she said it she started to back peddle with "she doesn't have a thyroid problem" (she knows I take thyroid meds), "she has a personal trainer ..." and she would have kept going but I held up my hand and just said "Stop. Drop it." And I proceeded to talk about something else.

Now I know this gal would not hurt me on purpose. It was as if she forgets I'm heavy because she doesn't see me that way so much as she just sees me as me. If that makes any sense. But for some reason this struck me and I wanted to cry. There is so much disdain for people who are overweight. It's our fault. We're gluttons or lazy, pigs and slobs.

God knows I make bad choices. I've written about self control and emotional issues. But I was angry because she has never been there. HERE. And people who have never been overweight have no idea what it's like, how it happens, or how it feels once you're here. I vented to a friend that my co-worker has a white picket fence life with the perfect husband and child and home, she is respected for her intelligence and knowledge in her job, but she does not know what it means to turn to food for comfort or as a reward or even as a companion. She has no idea what it's like to see a thin person eat a danish for breakfast, fast food for lunch, have a big dinner with dessert and not exercise ever - knowing that if you ate the same way you would be twice their size.

I am not defending where I am in my physical size and health right now. It sucks. I blame myself enough, I do not need someone else judging me too! And they do. Every single day.

Magically delicious!

2009-10-30T20:23:00.003-05:00

Okay well, I'm not sure anything quite beats a handful of marshmallow charms from a box of Lucky Charms cereal, but this comes close! I ran to the grocery store on my lunch hour today and stumbled upon a small container of fresh dates. I already knew I liked dates, but the only ones I've ever eaten have been from a box. Looking at that plastic container I realized I had never tasted a fresh date! So of course I had to buy them.

I brought them back to work which lead to a discussion with my co-worker about whether the sweet taste of dates could get you past the somewhat waxy texture, and the slightly disturbing resemblance to cockroaches. YES!!! For me, anyway. I couldn't get her to try them for anything. But they were wonderful, even WITH the pits! I'm not sure there is anything quite as naturally sweet as a date. If you have a sweet tooth like I do, it's worth getting beyond their looks.

Plus - a couple of minutes after I got back to my desk, along came the gal I ordered taffy apples from so - BONUS! Dates AND caramel covered apples in the same day. Ah-h-h. I'm a happy girl.

Have a great Halloween!!

F.Y.I.

2009-10-25T13:53:00.004-05:00

Did you know that if you look in your pantry a 2nd and 3rd time, move the same boxes of cereal and cans of soup, you still won't find a box of Wheat Thins that weren't there the first time? Doesn't matter how badly you are craving them.

Just sayin'.

Awards for bad bloggers!

2009-10-16T20:16:00.004-05:00

Thank goodness I didn't have to be posting a lot to be given an award, or I wouldn't have even been considered. But it is the Dragon Loyalty Award - how cool is that?!! Tricia at Thought Threads gave to it me, for being someone who stops by her blog and regularly butchers the English language in her comments. :)

It is true though, I find blogs and tend to stick with them. Even when I go MIA for a while I generally turn up and start commenting again. I don't even think of it as loyalty really. I go where I like reading what people write so if you think about it - I'm getting an award for selfishly pursuing enjoyment. But hell, award away! Thanks Tricia!

And now for the serious part where Price Waterhouse suits come onstage and give all the rules of fairness and what-have-you.

1) If you have a blog, post it on your blog with a link back to the site who gave it to you;

2) Leave them a comment on their site, email, etc. to let them know;

3) If you don't have a blog but have a website, Facebook, MySpace, Twitter or other type account, post there with a link back;

4) Pass this on to 3-10 loyal fans. YOU GOT IT!

* * * * * * * *

Now this is where the little guy with the hat pulled down over his eyes and the cigarette hanging out of his mouth says "psssssst!" Me - wide-eyed "what?" "C'mere, you can cheat y'know. Think about it." And he sidles away around a corner, and gone.

* * * * * * * *

There really aren't that many people who read this blog. I haven't been posting very often lately because I think I'm having a bit of a 'mother coming to visit' breakdown involving scads of Halloween candy my son keeps bringing home. So I'm not going to name anyone. I will just say that I am grateful for anyone who comes and visits so please accept my thanks and feel free to take the award. I bestow it. :) Enjoy!

Thanks again, Tricia! Very sweet!!

I'm a slow learner

2009-09-19T12:56:00.007-05:00

So, falling off the wagon (and letting it roll over me) has been a crash course in all things fast food related, grease dipped, and dairy laden. My daughter was home last weekend and we ordered pizza. We ordered a Sicilian stuffed pizza which had so much cheese there were literally puddles of it on the cardboard. It was wondrous and disgusting all at the same time. Paper bags, plastic cups and straws fill my garbage.

And I FEEL like crap.

When I was eating hardly anything processed, almost all fresh and natural foods I did not feel perfect. But the GI problems that have plagued me most of my life were reduced to the lowest point of aggravation since I was a kid. This last week I have had constant belly aches, nausea, headaches off and on, and fatigue like nobodies business. Just overall crappy.

I am kind of amazed actually that the change has been so dramatic. Changing to healthy food was a gradual process so I didn't notice anything overnight. I knew there were changes but not like when I reversed the processed and dove (dived?) head first into a fast food cesspool. Proof positive that it's not. only. about. losing. weight.

How many times have I said that? It's a lifestyle change, not a diet. It's a lifestyle change, not a diet. Why can't I integrate that into my brain so that I don't stomp my feet like a little kid when I don't lose a few pounds and head right back to Taco Bell?? Grr-r-r-r !!!! And the thing is - I'm not ready to head back yet. Even though I know I'll feel better, even though I know it's better for my heart, my sugar, my overall health, I'm not ready to turn it back around again. Ugh.

I'm not sure why. But . . did I mention it's a lifestyle change and not a diet?

I didn't just fall off the wagon . .

2009-09-06T18:18:00.006-05:00

. . I let it run over me too! I'm talking eating well all day long at work because I pack my lunch and make sure I have a healthy snack for mid-morning, a healthy lunch, and a healthy snack for mid-afternoon. But then coming home from work and eating something ba-a-a-a-a-d which in my mind equals yummy!

I'm talking pizza, enchiladas, hamburgers, Chinese food, and basically anything else I want! And you know what? I haven't gained any weight. I know, right? I'm going to repeat that. I HAVEN'T GAINED ANY WEIGHT.

So what does this say to someone like me? My brain says - well hell - it's not hurting me, why eat all this food with no fat and no sugar and no yummy when I can stay the same weight eating all that bad (GOOD!!!) stuff??

Ugh. I have to stop it. I need to listen to my freaking brain and do what I know is good for me because even if I haven't gained any weight, I very well could be gaining plaque in my arteries, and pushing my glucose up again, etc. So I have to commit to exercise. I know I keep saying this but it is the hardest thing for me.

An hour a day. Even if I do it in 10 minute increments during the day. I have to make the promise to myself and just do it.

Sometimes I feel like I am the only person out here who whines about not being able to do this! I read blogs belonging to women who set their minds to changing their lifestyle and they do it. They write about HOW they did it, give tips and tell what they are doing to maintain their healthy changes. I haven't run across too many places where somebody writes about falling face first into a buttercream frosted cake and feeling like a loser. Maybe because it's a drag to read about and certainly not inspiring for anyone else. Blech.

Okay. Well, an hour a day. Exercise of some type, whether it's playing Wii tennis, climbing on my mini-stepper, going for a walk or (hat-tip to Cynthia) dancing in my kitchen. I'm the only one who can do it, right? Yeah, I know.

** Added - or over 10,000 steps - if I can just remember to grab my pedometer.

What do you think this means?

2009-08-28T23:35:00.002-05:00

This is Abby. She's evil and she bites.

She jumped in my lap the other day and I *sniff Sniff* what IS that? *Sniff* - ah-h-h she smelled just like a French Fry. That kind of frightened me a bit.

Kind of mad and late to the party

2009-08-16T22:26:00.005-05:00

This weekend I discovered there are shoes out there being advertised as workout shoes in that - they help work your muscles when you walk wearing them. They tilt back just a bit and have a rocker type motion which forces you to use more muscles when you walk. Theoretically, of course. I'm sure everyone else already knew about these besides me. Always late to the party.

But me being me I'm like - yeah - I hafta try these! Seeing as I'm not getting a workout on my couch, the idea of shoes that practically do it for you appealed to me. Okay maybe the claims didn't go that far. Still - I started to shop. I found one brand, MBTs that are really expensive - around $250.00 a pair. And Reebok has come up with some called Shape-ups, still fairly expensive although less than the first. I searched and searched until I found basically the same kind of shoes sold through K-Mart, basically a knock-off called Thera-shoes. MUCH cheaper. Also? NOT available.

But the worst part? I spent the better part of a day searching the internet for these things and discovered that even if I could afford them, or find them in the case of the K-Mart shoes, NONE OF THEM WOULD FIT ME! I have wide Flintstone feet and not a single one of these shoes comes in wide widths.

GR-R-R-R-r-r-r ....!!! I'm guessing I'm going to have to get off my butt and do it myself. Exercise, that is. What fun is that!?!

**OOPS. Reebok has EasyTones and Sketchers has Shape-ups. Too many names too little brain!

Lunch!

2009-08-10T21:07:00.003-05:00

I make my lunch the evening before, I am not a morning person and I will do everything I possibly can so I have less to do in the morning. I get 2 mugs of tea ready, my meds for the morning and I make my lunch. I have lunch and 2 snacks everyday. Sometimes a V-8 thrown in. Man I love that stuff. Mostly lunch has been a salad. That's good, I've been loving my salads. But I've been craving meat so I bought some thinly sliced ham and shaved chicken. My lunch for tomorrow is a whole wheat pita with light mayo, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, and chicken. Yummy! I told my daughter - I want to eat it NOW! Looks so good.

A year ago it was rare that I ever put lettuce on a sandwich and almost never used tomato. Unless it was a BLT dripping with mayo and jam packed with bacon. Mmmmm. Ahem. But right now - the sandwich I made looks awesome!

My 2 snacks will be some grapes and cherries mid-morning probably, and sliced cucumbers in a sweet and sour dressing that has a great vinegary taste in the afternoon. Yum again! If I need a little filler here or there - I have a container of Almonds on my desk. I do try to eat them in small amounts, it's hard though. We will see. This pita looks good enough that I am l looking forward to lunch tomorrow already!

My how times have changed!

Sometimes I'm amazed . .

2009-08-04T22:12:00.003-05:00

I stopped at the grocery store on my way home, not my usual one because I’ve started driving home a using a different route to avoid the road rage (mine) and high blood pressure (also mine). So I just wanted a few things. Some fruit, and whole wheat bagels. I did add some cat food but that doesn’t count as buying something I shouldn’t have because I was hungry.

Learning how to eat ~~healthy~~ ~~well~~ better, has been really unusual for me. One thing I believed I would never ever let go of was my morning bagel (onion, toasted) with cream cheese was a huge part of my diet. It was the way I started my day. Every. day. And I haven’t let go of it entirely. I have been having a whole wheat bagel with a slice of American cheese instead of the cream cheese. Still a tiny bit naughty, but good.

I balked at getting those whole wheat bagels. Tried ‘em, didn’t like ‘em, wanted my tasty white bread bagels. Whole wheat bagels have sticks and stones in them for goodness sakes! But little by little it happened. And one day I found myself looking forward to that whole wheat bagel. Without the cream cheese. And I don’t miss the kind of bagel I’ve been eating for years! At all!

Back at the store, I picked up some cherries, some grapes, cat food, and then I went in search of whole wheat bagels. Uh uh. Nada, nill, NONE! Seemed to be a lot of cinnamon swirl bagels and “everything” bagels but no whole wheat. I found myself muttering under my breath that “this Dominick's must be the one all the fat people shop at . ..!” Which makes me laugh because I AM one of those.

But when I did not find those whole wheat bagels – I left to checkout with my cherries, my grapes, my cat food – and oh yeah, 2 containers of low fat vanilla yogurt. Not the Staufers french bread pizza I love, or my white bread onion bagels or even a candy bar. I am amazed.

I have not totally changed, I had a wonderful honey mustard chicken sub recently, and some Chinese food another day, but when I have those things – they are a treat, not my every day meals. Tomorrow I will have my whole wheat bagel (my last one) for breakfast with my tea. Mid-morning I will either have cherries or grapes, lunch will be a salad with cucumber, carrots, tomato, and chicken, and then mid- afternoon I will probably have some yogurt. Dinner may just be some more fruit. Or maybe some green beans with fat free ranch dressing . . yum! Who said that?? (looking behind me) That is just NOT something I would have said 6 months ago. I think I’m proud of myself!

I’m behaving, really.

2009-07-30T21:39:00.004-05:00

The girl at work I share my ~~office~~ room with, has a garden. You know what that means. I am threatened with bodily harm if I do not eat her produce. On Tuesday she gave me a zucchini and 2 little yellow squash. Squashes? Anyway.

Wednesday morning: “Beej, did you cook the zucchini and the squash?”

“No Joan, I haven’t. I will, don’t worry.”

This morning: “Beej, did you cook it yet?”

“No Joan, I didn’t.”

About a half hour later of things totally unrelated to vegetables: “Beej?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t wait too long to cook it, you know it will start to get ..”

“I know Joan. I have dealt with vegetables before.

“Okay.”

There is a half wall between us so I don’t see her as she is admonishing me about not wasting the precious vegetables grew with the sweat of her – uh – I don’t want to know where she sweats. But something she doesn’t remember – I DIDN’T ASK FOR THE VEGETABLES!!!!

So I cooked them tonight. See to me, zucchini and squash (except acorn squash that you bake with a ton of butter and brown sugar) are fairly tasteless. So basically – it was about what I could add to not only make them tasty – but to make them TASTE. Like ANYTHING.

A little olive oil, garlic and onion (powder) bread crumbs and parmesan cheese did the trick. And after I took the pictures I actually ate some. Not bad!

Oh - threw some tomato slices in for color. I LIKE color. I bet you couldn't tell.

Not liking this one bit!

2009-07-24T19:29:00.005-05:00

Went to the doctor today. I was actually kind of looking forward to this visit because last time I thought my doc was going to hit the ceiling when I casually asked him "so, how are you going to like working for the government?" Let's just say he and I have differing political views. So this time I wanted to find out what he thought about this healthcare plan that is being proposed. I told him - you should probably take my blood pressure BEFORE we talk about this . . .

Speaking of blood pressure . . . oh I'm sly, aren't I? Yeah, so after eating all the fruit and salads and sticks and stones (that's whole grains for normal people) my blood pressure is still high. My doc took my pressure on both arms which he's never done before, and spent a lot of time listening to my heart. Then he went and wrote in my chart with this concerned look on his face. Normally he has a "what kind of smart ass comment can I make NOW" look on his puss.

THIS PISSES ME OFF!!!!

My dad developed diabetes later in life. Then he had high blood pressure. Then he had a stroke, then another one, and then he died. UGH. I am not ready to face mortality right now. I mean c'mon! I lost some weight, not enough - but some. I've been eating well. Better than well. And I still have high blood pressure. And I could tell too. Again the big problem - not enough exercise. I have not been consistent about it at all. The doc doubled the dose on the water pill I'm taking and ordered blood work.

THIS MAKES ME SO MAD!! So, what am I going to DO about it? Because I'm the only one that can change anything. What the hell is it going to take??

**Certainly not that bowl of mac n' cheese I just ate to make me feel better. :(

I had a dream . . .

2009-07-21T22:50:00.005-05:00

Not my real salad, mine was mostly gone!!
I woke up this morning in the midst of a dream, a dream where I was going place to place and there was always food involved somehow. At the cleaners when I went into my purse there was a BLT tucked in there, the whole sandwich with no plastic wrap, no napkin, it was just tucked in behind my wallet. Looked yummy! And then I walked past a storefront I think was an ice cream shop and I spotted bags of cotton candy up on the wall. I think Ashton Kucher was behind the counter which was weird, but I managed to get my hands on some cotton candy and I left. My next stop is kind of hazy but wherever it was it involved buttered toast. Hmmm...

Had the day off work so I slept late and shortly after I had my whole wheat bagel and tea for breakfast, my BF showed up with grocery bags. He proceeded into the kitchen where he grabbed a big bowl and proceeded to make the biggest fruit salad I have ever seen! He cut up watermelon, cantaloupe, cherries he pitted, whole nectarines he cut up with the skin, strawberries, grapes, plums and honestly I don't know what else. Not only did he cut it all up by himself, he did it twice as fast as I would have, and with half the mess! Amazing!!

We carried the bowl into the living room and shared it with 2 forks while we watched TV. I was surprised how much of it we ate! Soo-o-o-o .. I dream about cotton candy and bacon and butter, and my BF brings me a ton of stuff I SHOULD be eating. You don't think he could be spying on my dreams, could he??

Looking for . . .

2009-07-11T22:52:00.006-05:00

Breakfast on the go. Recipes. I know breakfast is important and I do eat it every day. But it
usually consists of a whole wheat bagel with some cheese, and some fruit. And tea. Tea is always my morning drink. Anyway, I've been looking at recipes for mini fritattas that look pretty good, and some egg in pita combos that you can freeze and pop in the microwave. Now that's for me! I could pretend it's fast food and pretend I'm being bad! I'm thinking of incorporating some eggs, onions, low fat cheese, some meat - whether that's a bit of lunch meat or boca sausage - I don't know. Maybe some spinach - I'm looking for some variety.

I have less than zero when it comes to time in the morning. But I think I'm going to try making some mini spinach fritattas and some scrambled egg and who knows what - pitas - and freezing them. I have a refrigerator and a microwave about 5 feet from my desk at work so it's no hardship to heat something up. Or - if I get it ready the night before I can fill a ramekin with tomatoes, onions, a bit of cooked ham or bacon and maybe some cut up pieces of toast (okay maybe a small cereal bowl) and some low fat cheese - I can seal it up and bring an egg with me that I can crack onto the top of all that once I get to work and cook it in the micro. Hmmmm.

I have to remember to make sure I have whole grains and protein in the morning, I need to have things from the different food groups in order to keep my sugar levels - well - level! Anybody have any good and quick ideas for a healthy breakfast on the go? I have not moved into the realm of smoothies yet, so lets skip that category for now. But anything else? I can use all the help I can get.

Moving on . .

2009-07-08T21:53:00.004-05:00

I will let that post stand on the other blog. My bad day rant. This post should be titled: Why I Walk. I mean - I'm not totally in the habit yet, but walking has always been my best form of exercise. It takes no special equipment or coordination. Good thing too. There have only been 2 times in my life where I lost a lot of weight. During my divorce the weight just fell off me. I loved the weight loss, hated the emotions causing all of it.

The second time was during a previous relationship - things weren't good and this guy kept me unbalanced all the time, never let me know where I stood and somehow made his failings my fault. And he lied. About everything. It got to the point where I had so much anger and confusion and turmoil roiling around inside of me that I would come home from work, change my clothes and literally burst out the door to walk for an hour or more. Fast. It was the only way to get the demons out, and to keep from losing my ever lovin' mind.

I wasn't in a good way.

But at 40 I was putting on a 2 piece bathing suit because of it so that made me happy!

And now? There is a girl I see on one of the side streets I drive down on my way to work in the morning. I noticed her in the fall. She was walking in the direction I was driving, with a purposeful stride and what looked like a laptop bag strapped across her body. She didn't quite look young enough to be a high school student. Was she a college student? She was always dressed casually. Every day I would see her and would make those little unbidden mental notes people do and I remember thinking "she's a little chubby." It wasn't a condemnation, it was more an observation, and sometimes I wondered if maybe she was athletic and was more muscular than chubby. Whatever, it really didn't matter to me.

She walked through the fall, the winter, the spring, and I've seen her all along. I guess I didn't think about her anymore other than "oh there's the girl." Until it got warm out. I happened to notice her one morning and I thought - "she must be down 2 pants sizes!" Then I started watching for her for a few days, just to see if it was the clothes, the lack of a jacket, or something other than losing weight. Whatever - she is recognizably thinner.

And I started to think - she did that by walking every morning, and I have no doubt every afternoon as well. Just walking to and from - wherever she goes. And I also wonder - was this her aim - or did she have to walk and weight loss is just a consequence. Who knows! But I realized that I could get out there and walk again. I haven't done it much at all since I broke my ankle on an ill-conceived February fog-walk. That was 10 years ago. Admittedly my ankle doesn't work quite as well as it used to, I don't know whether that is because of the metal in it - or because I'm 50. Doesn't matter. It works well enough.

When I've gone out there recently - it has felt good. Real good. It's worked before, and it's the only form of exercise I have ever stuck with for any length of time. Yes the Wii is fun, I will still do that. I will still eat well. And I'd really like to do yoga when I get rid of some of this uncomfortable belly fat. But for right now the goal is to get a walking routine down. I've been doing a mile and a half. Right now - that's good. I'm hoping to build up to more.

Maybe next time I see the girl I should wave, smile, or give her a thumbs up. She has no idea what she's done but she has inspired me.

Donut holes make everything better, don't they?

2009-07-08T19:21:00.005-05:00

Crap day at work. One of those days when you are crazy busy but at the end of it feel like you've been running in place all day and haven't moved forward at all. Toward the end of the day a co-worker came to visit my little cubby/office/room to tell me he had just resigned. Circumstances beyond his control forced his hand, and he is leaving. Forces having nothing to do with work. Suffice it to say he does not want to leave but his personal life requires him to right now.

ANYWAY! Can't I ever use just a couple of words? No. I should be used to my wordiness by now. So he came to tell me he was leaving and it made me very sad. Not only is he leaving, but tomorrow is his last day!

Have you ever had a new person start in your office, who you just knew was not going to fit in? And conversely, someone new who seemed to fill a gap you didn't know you had and just "got you" right from the get-go? Yeah, that's him. The 2nd one. A twinkle in his eye and fancy square toed shoes, a Latin dancer with a heart of gold. I will miss him bunches.

As I was talking to this guy/co-worker/friend - my brother called and left a message on my phone. My brother lives in New Jersey, and my mom lives with him. He is actually ill himself, but my mother wanted to live with "a man in the house" because you know, if the hot water heater goes out, he will know what to do. I didn't say it made sense.

He told me that mom has been falling down on a daily basis and she is starting to hurt herself. It's getting to the point that when he leaves for work he worries about what he will find when he gets home. It is time to discuss our next step. Brother #1 told me that brother #2 is visiting him and Mom right now, and apparently does not want to talk about "the next step. He says "oh but she'll be sad, she'll get depressed . . " and is coming up with all kinds of reasons not to even think about her living anywhere but where she is now. Considering HE lives in Seattle - all the freaking way across the country - it's easy for him to sit in his home thinking (hoping, wishing) that my mom is just fine alone all day when in reality she is probably going bing! bing! BING! And ricocheting around brother #1's house all day like it's a pinball machine.

Here's the kicker - brother #2? - he's actually the oldest of us. Eldest? Whatever. He is 60 years old and he wants to sit back and just imagine his mother is the same woman she always was. Well she's not. Time to grow up. Believe me, I would love to think my mom was aging gracefully and will be able to take care of herself until the day she dies. But it's not happening that way and we all have to put our big kid panties on and deal with it. It's irresponsible to ignore the fact that she may fall down, hurt herself, and could possibly have to lay in the same spot for hours until my brother gets home from work. Something she fears a lot, something happening and no one being there to help. She has her button - she can push it and get help fairly quickly, but it's simply getting to the point where she needs more than a button. We. Have. To. Address. It. Not a single one of us can stay home all day and take care of her. And not a single one of us is married (anymore) either. Hmmm, can you say dysfunctional?

So - I had to stop and pick up a prescription on my way home, and who can blame me for picking up some donut holes? Um. . . and a BabyRuth. That's it, I swear. But I AM going for a walk tonight. I'm an emotional eater, my weight is doomed.

I'm cross-posting this on my regular blog, by the way. Some may say this post probably would have fit there better anyway, but I hadn't posted here in a week and I DID mention my weight so I thought it fit here too. It's a stretch, but it's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Just been floating . . .

2009-07-01T19:44:00.003-05:00

Haven't been paying attention to my weight, or at least - trying not to. Just trying to eat better (except for today, ahem). Trying very hard to continue my trend toward reaching for the healthy choices as opposed to the high fat and high sugar foods I have always eaten.

I tell you what, when I don't eat well anymore, I pay for it. Let me put it delicately - my GI tract doesn't welcome back the foods I have eaten for years. It rejects them. Vehemently. It's pretty amazing how things like IBS, which I have suffered from since I was a teenager, can be controlled to a great extent by eating healthy and natural foods! I can't believe I'm saying this. It sounds like someone else speaking. Again, it's a mindset.

But as I mentioned - today I didn't follow my own advice. It was spa day (I say that like it's a regular thing! It's not!) and my daughter and I spent the afternoon getting manicures and pedicures and pampering ourselves. When we came home she was running out the door so I decided if we weren't going to have time to go to dinner too - (not said with a pout even if it sounds like it) I would still indulge and ordered some Chinese food. Mm-m-m-m ..... How my belly reacts tomorrow remains to be seen!

Brain school

2009-06-23T21:10:00.004-05:00

I wrote on my regular blog (is this one irregular?) or maybe I should say my original blog, about doing Wii Fit today. It was quite fun actually, I was surprised. I created my own little Mii character that got chubby when it figured my weight and BMI and declared me obese. That wasn't the best feeling, but it didn't berate me or make me feel stupid, so it wasn't too bad.

First I did some Wii sports, a bit of tennis and bowling, and then on to the Wii fit. The stepping was funny, they have these little Mii characters as if we're all in a step aerobics class together and you can follow them - or the foot-print diagram that scrolls down the center of the screen. I found I could not do it at ALL if I tried to follow the foot-prints. But when I watched the Mii on the right I did pretty well. I did better front to back than side to side. It was fun, I was laughing at myself and I did it several times. The hula-hooping is a bit weird but I tell you what - you use more stomach muscles and leg muscles than you would think. In the running I was queen, I got 4 stars and a crown, and I beat my 23 year old daughter's score. SCORE!!

If I keep eating the way I have been, and actually do some Wii and maybe some walking besides, I just might be able to pull this off. Slowly. You don't keep it off if you lose it too fast so my plan is to concentrate more on what I am doing for my health with diet and exercise, and have the weight loss be the lovely side-effect. BONUS! Just trying to change the mind-set again. It's all about my brain. I always thought it was all about the food, all about the exercise. It's all about my brain.

I must retrain the brain!

One foot in front of the other . .

2009-06-21T17:10:00.004-05:00

Yesterday, not such a good day. Bad day at work on Friday, hit a bump with the boyfriend, 5-minute chocolate cake called my name.

What surprised me was hopping right back on the right road this morning. Had some peanut butter toast for breakfast with lots of sticks and stones, and later - lunch/dinner - sweet potato and green beans with almonds and FF ranch dressing. My hours are bad on the weekend so my mealtimes get kind of squished together. But I'm still not in a good mood so to instinctively reach for healthier stuff today is a wonderful thing.

My butt muscles hurt!

2009-06-19T20:05:00.001-05:00

One day playing Wii tennis and I’m sore. Not as sore as I thought I might be but still sore. Won’t be long now till I look like this!!!

Yeah. Right.

A tennis player I'm not.

2009-06-18T21:10:00.002-05:00

But I stayed in a Holiday Inn Express last night . . .!

Ahem. My son and I set up our new Wii last night. He started testing out the games that came with it, the sports - tennis,bowling,baseball, somethin', somethin' else. He was enjoying himself last night so I never tried it. My theory here is - I'm going to treat it like a game. None of it is working out, that has the word "work" in it. It's fun!

So tonight I decided to try some games. I have opened Wii Fit but it is still in the box. Taking this slow so it's enjoyable. I bowled for a bit and that was okay. I created a "Mii" character so it looks like me, um . . . yeah. Then I played tennis. And I played more tennis. And before I knew it - 45 minutes had gone by, I literally had sweat dripping into my eyes, and my heart rate was up. But I didn't feel like I was exercising. It. Was. FUN!!! And the sweat dripping into my eyes had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that is was about 85 degrees and humid in my house. Nothing at all.

Okay so I suck at tennis. But I kept trying and actually won a couple of games. And I found myself acting like I was playing tennis for real - shifting my weight from foot to foot waiting for the guy to serve, moving from side to side in anticipation of where the ball was going to go, etc. And it's pretty funny watching my funny chubby little Mii doing a face plant trying to hit a ball that was obviously out of reach. I guess my little Mii is more like me than I thought.

So it's a good thing I enjoyed it. I'm hoping to do a lot more of this so I can keep myself from sitting on the couch as much as I do now! And I WILL get to the Wii Fit. I will. I promise.

Maybe I'm a pod person!

2009-06-16T19:25:00.005-05:00

I didn't think it was unusual to have a baked sweet potato with a side of green beans for dinner a couple nights ago. When I stopped at the store to pick up some bread - wanted a snack and instead of chocolate or Good n' Plenty, I bought nuts and dates. It is becoming more natural to reach for the natural as opposed to the processed, fresh as opposed to frozen. RAW even. I wasn't raised this way. I didn't raise my kids this way (sorry kids!).

It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's not a diet. It's a freaking way of life.

Is it possible that this becomes easier? Is it possible I am being dragged into the world of real food kicking and screaming, but I'm getting there? Is it possible I am getting used to it? Nah! I wouldn't go that far yet. We are talking about 50 years of - if it is tasty - I will eat it. 50 years of - if it is convenient - I will eat it. And let us not forget 50 years of - if it is fast - I will eat it. Lord I have to have learned something in all those years!!!

And I've been drinking more water too. Go figure.

90% emotional, 10% physical

2009-06-14T13:37:00.003-05:00

For some unknown reason I was reading the "about me" text in my sidebar. That name - Ken Cooper, always jumps out at me. Kids are cruel and they have no idea what their words can do, especially to a kid that was insecure to begin with. That incident occurred shortly after my parents divorced. It was 1972 I believe, and none of my friend's parents were divorced. Once my parents sat me down and told me it was going to happen, we never talked about it again. I don't even know how my friends found out because I don't remember telling them.

My dad got remarried before the divorce was even final, and I found out when I was riding in the car with him and his wife - when in conversation with her - he referred to her as his wife. Thanks for telling me Dad. On the night my parents told me about the divorce my dad came into my bedroom where I had retreated and I remember him sitting on the edge of my bed and telling me he'd still be my dad and he'd come see me and we'd do things together. Well that didn't last long. Especially after he got remarried. I was always a Daddy's girl and I couldn't understand why he didn't come to see me. I was too big to sit on his lap anymore, but he promised to come see me. Didn't he?

So in 7th grade I had a lot of things I was dealing with. Not that Ken Cooper knew that. But I never teased him about having a silver front tooth after he had almost knocked his tooth out on the metal monkey bars on the playground a few years earlier. Why did he have to tease me?

Okay, I'm an adult now. I cannot blame Ken Cooper or my Dad for my weight. Or my ex husband or last boyfriend or a friend who betrayed me. I have to blame me and I have to get a handle on it. But I have a feeling that for me - I need to work on the emotional aspect of this problem way more than anything else. That's what is making this so hard for me.

I hope that doesn't sound like an excuse because when it comes down to it - that's my reality.

Out of control

2009-06-13T22:54:00.005-05:00

5 MINUTE CHOCOLATE MUG CAKE

4 tablespoons flour
4 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons cocoa
1 egg
3 tablespoons milk
3 tablespoons oil
3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional)
A small splash of vanilla extract
1 large coffee mug (MicroSafe)

Add dry ingredients to mug, and mix well. Add the egg and mix thoroughly.
Pour in the milk and oil and mix well..
Add the chocolate chips (if using) and vanilla extract, and mix again.
Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts.
The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed!
Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired.
EAT ! (this can serve 2 if you want to feel slightly more virtuous).
And why is this the most dangerous cake recipe in the world?
Because now we are all only 5 minutes away from chocolate cake at any time of the day or night!

Oh yes I did. Sigh-h . . .

Acupuncture, maybe?

2009-06-12T20:03:00.007-05:00

While sitting at my desk at work going along with my usual business, I realized I was looking forward to eating my lunch. I found myself looking at the clock to see what time it was, if it was too early or if I could eat yet.

Then I realized, I wasn't hungry.

That didn't totally startle me but it did upset me a bit when I also realized I was craving something. I wasn't sure what it was but there was a craving that my mind was leading to my lunch to fulfill.

I wanted a cigarette.

Is it possible that after 6 or 7 years I still may be craving cigarettes? I know I smoked for a long time, and when someone is smoking near me sometimes I don't mind it at all - dare I say - it smells good to me? It's already been established pretty definitely that I am an emotional eater. I reward myself for good things with food. I console myself for bad things, with food. If I'm bored, food is my friend. But cigarettes? I have not consciously recognized a craving for a cigarette in a long time.

Geez, I think I'm going to have to get my head shrunk to lose weight! But no, then I'll just be a fat girl with a tiny head! Not the look I'm going for.

Just more stuff to think about.

** spunkysuzi - not sure why you are having trouble adding to your reader, I DO notice that the feeds symbol is not up in the address bar like it is for my other blogs, but I can't seem to figure it out. I'm really persistent about figuring things out so I am still looking at it. :)
Still - you should be able to add my feed to your google reader manually - hope it works!

Feed URL:

http://fattofifty.blogspot.com/feeds/posts/default

Mmmm ... BabyRuth...

2009-06-11T20:38:00.005-05:00

I'm trying to get past my tantrum. I certainly know that I am looking at this in a way that is not productive. I need to stop seeing it as a diet and start looking at it as a ... wait for it ... LIFESTYLE CHANGE (spoken in loud, low, stentorian tones). Sigh. I hate that phrase.

I am not patient. That's the main reason I go back to my bad habits quickly when the good ones don't work fast enough (read - BabyRuths 3 days in a row). I have been putting a lot of effort into eating the right things, making sure I eat the right things together and eating at the right times so I keep a level sugar balance all day and I don't have the ups and the downs like I always have. To me this. is. work. It is something I am totally unaccustomed to and I find it to be difficult. So when I don't get the desired results quickly enough I turn into a 4 year old, stamping my feet and saying "I don't care! Doesn't matter anyway!" And start reaching for the nearest candy bar.

Maybe I need to reevaluate what result I am looking for. Is it only weight loss? No, it's more than that. But weight loss to me is HUGE. Pardon the HUGENESS. My blood pressure is a bit high? My doctor says "you can control it by losing weight." My glucose is high? My doctor says "you can control it by losing weight." My cholesterol, my triglycerides are high and my doctor says "you can control it by losing weight." So it's not just looking cute again that's important. Although I'm not sure "cute" applies when you're 50. Still, it IS important to me. And apparently just eating the right foods is not going to make me healthy until I also lose weight.

So what now? I haven't been exercising as much as I should. UGH. There. I said it. I KNOW! I KNOW!!! Do I have any volunteers to do it FOR me???

Is it possible I'm eating too many sticks and stones and vegetables and fruit? Maybe I need to walk 4.2 miles a day and only eat bird seed. And no, I'm not bitter. (queue maniacal laughter)

Why is this such an issue for me?? This is the one area in my life where I cannot get control, cannot wrap my arms around it and make it be what I want it to be. That's a very uncomfortable feeling.

So.

2009-06-08T21:22:00.004-05:00

Here is the question. If I am eating this,

..and this,

..and this...

..and this

...and I can still be fat, and I can still not lose weight ...

why wouldn't I just eat this?

..and this...

..and this!!!!

I mean, really.

I don't have a hell of a lot of patience.

Putting the laptop to work!

2009-06-05T21:49:00.003-05:00

I wanted to find a way to use my laptop while on the treadmill. It seems TV is not interesting enough, music doesn’t keep me moving for any length of time at all, and the thing that has had me sitting on my butt for the last year really needs to help me reduce the size of that butt.

Okay, excuse the cat toys and the step stool jury rigged – but eh? EH? Pat me on the back and call me genius. :)

I’ve posted this before

2009-06-03T23:14:00.005-05:00

Not sure where. But suffice it to say the things in this mosaic are a big reason I have trouble getting my weight under control.

It all looks so GOOD!

Unimportant things . . .

2009-06-02T20:39:00.006-05:00

I've been tagged by Cynthia at A Shimmy In My Spirit! She's the lovely lady I won the sweet canvas wrapped print from. :)

* List Six Unimportant Things That Make You Happy.
* Mention and link to the person who tagged you.
* Tag six of your favorite bloggers to play along, and comment on their blog to let them know they've been tagged.

I found it intriguing that it was the UNimportant things I should list. Hmm-m-m.

1) How comfy my bed feels when a tired me climbs in at night.

2) Coming home from work and seeing my lawn has been cut, knowing my neighbors might put up with me for a while longer.

3) Cheese. 'Nuff said.

4) My cats letting me sleep in on the weekend. Not that they do ...

5) Beads. I love pretty beads. Mm-m-m ... tourmaline ..

6) My soaps. Now some would argue that because I tape them and watch all the episodes on the weekend that they ARE important to me. But really? Not important. Just enjoyable mindless entertainment. And there is only one show - I'm just in the habit of saying soap(s) from when I used to watch more than one.

Now since I don't usually play by the rules (and since this is not my main blog and doesn't have a huge readership - okay - neither does my main blog!) I will just say that - anybody who reads this - please play along! And you can even follow the rules if you want to!

Got up late today . .

2009-05-30T18:52:00.003-05:00

not my real salad :)

Not that that's unusual on the weekend. Ate peanut butter and (a little) jelly on whole wheat toast (with big sticks and stones) for breakfast with my tea. Ate some fresh cherries YUM later on and dinner had me eating a huge salad with raw broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, eggs and chicken - oh yeah - lettuce. Used low-fat ranch dressing because I am crazy about ranch dressing all of a sudden. I know it would have been healthier if I had used a vinaigrette or something, but I did enjoy the ranch.

I still need to drink more water - it's just SO boring! But I'm trying. I suppose that's what healthy food IS to me. Boring. I'm used to high fat, high flavor foods I guess. But - I'm working on eating more things that are not processed or "fast". For somebody like me who has eaten badly for damn near 50 years, this is a huge adjustment. And apparently I am moving toward a healthier lifestyle kicking and screaming all the way.

At what point will I grow up, I wonder?

Ye ask ..

2009-05-28T21:01:00.008-05:00

. . . and ye shall receive!

THE BOOKS!!!

I finally got the books yesterday. Obviously the one to start with is the that says it's the Complete IDIOT'S Guide - to Glycemic Index Weight Loss. I mean it's a natural fit, ME - and anything that starts with Complete Idiot's Guide. Of course I thumbed through all of them, looked at the pictures, etc. But - I plan to digest (*snort* *digest*) the information slowly. At work all day long I was looking at things like - If R.25 is null, then OBR.04.1 is populated with the value in OBR.26. But if there is a value . . . ugh - it made my brain hurt. It was like Algebra or something! So my job can be intense sometimes, I do believe my eyes twirl on a regular basis.

So given my work day, when I come home I like to relax. My brain, that is. So I will start with the Idiot's guide because it has a lot of explanations and clarifications and hopefully all in idiot form. I want to understand more about what foods are just out and out good, and what foods are okay if eaten with a good food, etc. I need to understand this stuff intuitively so I can start making better food choices without thinking about it.

In the meantime I will keep eating uncomplicated sticks and stones and try to keep it together until I can get more sophisticated in my cooking. I did find a recipe online that looked good to me. Well, maybe except the peppers. And the onions. But I would try them. Okay, maybe I would have to use minced onions, butanyway, what do you think?

10-Minute Marinated Veggie Toss

Serves 6; 1/2 cup per serving

Ingredients
1 14-ounce can quartered artichoke hearts, rinsed and well drained
1/4 medium red bell pepper, thinly sliced
1/4 cup thinly sliced red onion
1/4 cup packed fresh baby spinach leaves, torn if desired
9 small black olives, halved
2 teaspoons cider vinegar
1 1/2 teaspoons sugar
1 teaspoon olive oil
1 medium garlic clove, minced

Directions
In a medium bowl, stir together all the ingredients. Let stand for 10 minutes.

For peak flavors, serve immediately after the standing time.

Cook’s Tip: For additional nutrients and color, spoon the salad onto a bed of spinach leaves.

I DO like vinegar. :)

Sticks and stones and beans

2009-05-25T14:06:00.007-05:00

This morning I found myself not wanting to eat, feeling like everything I put in my mouth would probably be wrong. Reading about the glycemic index and what eating by following the index means, I've come to the conclusion that if I eat everything I hate and give up everything I love - I'll be doing good. No more soft white bread, no more bagels made with white flour, if the bread doesn't have sticks and stones in it - it isn't good for me.

Yesterday morning I had eggs and sausage and did not experience the crash I had the day before after eating coffee cake. Today I finally ate some almond slivers meant for salads, and am now eating a whole wheat bagel with peanut butter. Reduced fat peanut butter, I might add. High fiber with protein. Yay me.

I hope my books come soon because I still find this very confusing. You don't want to eat something high on the index all by itself because it will drop sugar into your bloodstream without stopping and collecting 200 dollars. Which will lead to a crash not too long after. You can apparently eat some things that have a high rating, as long as you pair it with something low on the index.

I can't say I understand everything about how it all relates to how the liver and pancreas process things and all the biology involved. But I do get that it's the way people with diabetes need to eat and a way of eating people on the verge of diabetes would be smart to adopt. But I am desperately in need of recipes so I get a better idea of how it all works. I've collected a few but seeing as most of the recipes I have found are not things I would eat - I need a bigger selection.

Being open to the idea of trying different things is great, but beans? Like kidney beans and chickpeas and stuff like that? I understand they are good sources of fiber and protein but omg I hate the texture. I know I'm a big baby but this is going to be a tough road for me.

Oh, and a really big problem? I don't like fish. Highly recommended. Yuk.

I realized today ..

2009-05-24T00:28:00.004-05:00

...how great the effect sugar has on my body. I have not received my books yet, it's the longest it's ever taken to get something from Amazon. But this morning I ate some coffee cake. It wasn't ordinary coffee cake. I stopped at the bakery on my way home from work yesterday and I pointed at this wonderful looking confection and asked what it was. The young girl behind the counter said "Oh that's the favorite coffee cake. It's got a chocolate filling and it's frosted with chocolate." Wow. Okay - works for me."

Saturday mornings I make my tea and take it into the living room and drink it while watching the soaps I've recorded during the week. This Saturday I also had coffee cake available. I cut myself a good chunk and as I ate it I was almost regretting the size of the piece because it was so rich. Almost. I still ate it. A bit more slowly, but I still did. You will see me throw broccoli away much more quickly than chocolate.

About an hour later I could barely keep my eyes open. To the point where I ended up laying down for a nap - and for me a nap is usually at least a couple of hours. It's not unusual for me to waste whole days when I don't have to go to work because I get so sleepy I need to lay down. The doctor thought it was because I wasn't sleeping well at night but now - I think he's wrong. There must be a big connection for me between what I eat and my energy levels. Sugar apparently makes me crash. Big. Ugh. The more I learn - the more pissed off I get about this whole aging thing and having to change the way I do things because I've got old muscles or old organs for goodness sakes.

I read a lot today about people who give up sugar entirely and live as free from sweets as possible, even to the point of never even eating fruit that has more natural sugar than others. Sugar and I are so close, we have had such a long and satisfying relationship. I can imagine cutting back but giving it up entirely? I honestly cannot fathom such a thing.

Grasping at straws ..

2009-05-19T23:25:00.005-05:00

As much as I'd like to, I'm not sticking that straw into a thick chocolate shake. But I did eat some awesome deep dish Chicago pizza a couple of days ago. I knew I was going to have to give into the gooey cheese craving sooner or later.

I reward myself with food, I comfort myself with food. Rarely do I actually use food to nourish myself. My blood work says I'm pre-diabetic. I read somewhere that pre-diabetic is bullshit, pre-diabetic is diabetic. The damage to the pancreas has already begun.

I got to thinking about it and decided to learn me some about the glycemic index and how someone with diabetes should eat. My doctor just says - lose weight. Yeah. Thanks for the advice. So I ordered myself some books on following the glycemic index in order to eat well, and to learn to cook a diabetic diet. For some reason diabetes confuses me and since I am so close to having it, I had better start treating myself for it, in the only way I can. Diet.

And exercise. I know. For some reason I just seem to have a need for strict guidelines in my life and diet. I am trying desperately to give them to myself.

Considering this magazine - even if only for inspiration.

Wow - gooey cheese ...

2009-05-13T20:08:00.002-05:00

The picture below still looks wonderful to me. Che-e-e-e-s-e ... !!! Num! A few months ago I had reached a point where I had never felt quite so out of control with food. I think back to when I was a teenager. I really did only eat when I was hungry for the most part. I was busy. If I was home too long it was - gotta go find something to do - even if it was just going for a walk across town. It's not like I had money to spend or anything. But I think I felt "home" was where you slept, showered, and got ready to go out. Or, "home" was where my friends came, where we pushed towels under the door, opened windows and smoked in my bedroom. We hung out.

Today, "home" is here, now, it's every day. I don't move, I don't go do things. Not even within the house! Man!

So again, I am trying something else (picture one of those old super balls bouncing from 'thing' to 'thing' to the next 'thing'!). My doctor says I am prediabetic. I am almost diabetic. My blood pressure is going up and so is my cholesterol. He hands me a 2 page diabetic diet but there is no information that really helps me coming from him. He just wants me to lose weight because that will fix everything! NO, yeah??? Geez.

What I have chosen to do this time, for this "thing" - is to find out about the gylcemic index and what it means for my health. I ordered a book. Then of course I couldn't let it go with just one book - I also ordered 2 books with diabetic recipes. None of it has be encouraged, I almost feel like I am giving in to something somehow. But - regardless, it's not a fad thing, not a diet pill thing, it's a life change. So far I haven't managed any great life changes recently so we will see.

I remember somebody telling me about smoking, the more times I tried to quit - the more I upped my chance of succeeding. And I did finally succeed. So maybe finding my food/diet thing will work this time. I mean hell - I've tried enough "things" to have success soon I think. I hope.

Have a little cheese with that whine??

2009-05-07T14:13:00.005-05:00

Don't mind if I do, actually! I love cheese. Especially melted gooey cheese. Mmm-m-m.

I am frustrated. I was looking at pictures of entertainers, specifically women entertainers after babies. 2 babies, 3? No matter. Flat stomachs, no stretch marks, still sexy and beautiful. And they will say but oh - they work at it! Well yeah. I imagine they work out. With personal trainers and such. But they also have good genes. You cannot tell me that somebody like Angelina Jolie has trouble losing the weight after her babies. I mean - you can tell me that, but I'll call you a liar as quick as look at you.

These women are thin to begin with. What they work at is toning that thinness. I would settle for the thinness. Natural thinness. Never had it. Well, unless you're counting until I was about 8 years old. After that - never naturally thin. That's not to say I was never thin - but it was never natural and it was never lasting.

You have people who want to get in shape so they start running. Start off slow, doing a bit more every week. In a year they are running marathons. That wouldn't happen to me. If there were someone to make me do it every day, I would still never achieve a marathon. I MIGHT get up to a mile without stopping. Maybe. If somebody was pushing me to try every day. But I'm just not athletic. And I'm not buying it that anybody can be athletic.

I remember as a kid, noticing the differences between my body and my best friend Cindy's body. Mine was always rounder and softer and less defined. We were kids - we played outside, we ran and roller skated and played games. We did the same things. But physically - she was always more able than I was. More talented, more coordinated. She had an athletic build.

It used to be that we accepted those differences in people. We understood that no, not everyone can do ANYthing. It's simply not true. But now we say - if you work at it hard enough, you can run a marathon. Anyone can as long as there is no disability. So when that is the belief - conversely - if you can't run a marathon (wear a bikini, have a flat stomach . . .) you just aren't trying hard enough.

It's no wonder that after eating salads and making better food choices for months seems to make no difference - I comfort myself with Taco Bell. The thought process at that point is - well I don't lose weight eating good - why NOT just eat crap? Doesn't matter one way or another anyway!

I know. I know. It's not going to make a difference if I don't get my metabolism going. With Exercise. But it's so HARD to exercise when you're fat. And you know what else? I am whining about it and I don't care who thinks it's pathetic or that I'm lazy or whatever. I'm just so worn out from trying.

Doesn't mean I'll give up but for today - I just want to cry
about it.

A bit tired

2009-05-04T19:43:00.004-05:00

..of the same ol' same ol'. Here are my lunch ingredients, yes, it's the salad stuff I've shown before. I'm not tired of the salads, I really enjoy my salads which last year I was calling "grass". As in - if I go out to dinner I don't want to have a bowl of grass! My epiphany was Paul Newmans Ranch dressing. It's not what I am using on a day to day basis. I actually bought some - Kraft (I think) ranch fat free dressing and some lowfat ranch - and mixed them. So I'm using almost fat free ranch dressing.

I remember that day - going through the drive-thru at McDonalds and deciding to have a cheeseburger and a side salad. You know, healthy up my MackyDs. I hadn't thought about dressing so when they asked what kind I wanted - ranch kind of flew out of my mouth and I have no idea why.

So I brought my healthier than normal McDonalds dinner home. Hm, Paul Newmans dressing, never had the ranch before. OMG. It was amazing! I still can't pinpoint what it was - God knows Hidden Valley Ranch was HUGE when I was growing up so it's not like I'd never had ranch before. But this was awesome ranch! Right then I decided I must have salads and I must have ranch dressing. So for the last couple of months almost every work day I have been eating a salad for lunch with ranch dressing. And I've been enjoying the hell out of them! I've been bringing fresh fruit with me - oranges or apples - bananas -and yogurt. Sometimes olives. My lunches have been healthy. And when I eat dinner - it's been healthier too, by virtue of the fact that I'm not eating as much processed food.

But damn it! I have to exercise. I love my new machine, but I am so tired when I come home from work that I usually don't manage it. So, on nights like these I just try to move around more and not spend the whole evening in front of this computer. UGH!!!

I hate it when I am disappointed in myself.

I LOVE this thing!!

2009-04-29T19:32:00.005-05:00

I ordered this "Sunny Twist Stepper with Handle Bar" from Overstock.com. It was a tax return gift to myself. It was $108.00 with $1.00 shipping (the shipping is normally almost a whopping 3 dollars!) at Overstock. I ordered it without huge expectations, knowing that it was not a full sized, expensive machine. I read the reviews and understood what the drawbacks would be, and wanted to take a chance. The reviews were not bad at all, but I was still a bit reticent.

When it arrived I was able to assemble it myself, even though the pictures and instructions weren't the greatest. I mean really, assembling exercise equipment is not my forte. But I was able to do it - and I was happy about that. The worst part - trying to get the wire for the time clock thingy from the bottom of the stand through to the top and out a hole the size of a dime. That was hard but again, I did it.

Trying it out - I was very happy. It's actually quite versatile. You can step up and down as if the steps are only 2 inches high, or take the full size steps. You can point your toes straight ahead, to the center - or outward. You can go fast or slow. And I like it!

When I was exercising a lot back in the (omg) 80's - I had a treadmill, an exercise bike and a stepper. The treadmill died, the bike broke down and went out with the trash, and the stepper is still out in the garage. I loved that thing. But it's HUGE! I have a new treadmill, don't really want a bike, and now I have this little stepper which is light enough for me to pick up and move around the room - or from room to room if I want to. I have my yoga DVDs and I think I am pretty happy with my stuff now.

Apparently I am not able to just do one thing day after day after day. When I lost a bunch of weight by walking A LOT - it was because I was fueled by a lot of emotional turmoil. That doesn't exist now. I wish I had something pushing me that hard - but not that. So I think I may have found my niche.

We will see. Of course any of it requires me to get my butt off the couch. Follow through. So again, we will see.

Two and none.

2009-04-22T20:59:00.003-05:00

Nope, no yoga tonight. I DID do the treadmill which is a good thing. But I was SO freaking mad as I did it - it was a good night for that kind of exercise. Read it here. My other blog. My main blog.

It made me so mad - I did really well on the treadmill!

Does twice count as a routine?

2009-04-20T19:57:00.002-05:00

So - I did yoga again today. If you can call my bending and wheezing and lying flat on the floor unable to do another thing - yoga - then I did it. Saturday and Monday. TWICE!! What's sad is, it's yoga for "the young at heart." I'm not sure if they counted on somebody who is young at heart but fat in the middle. I think the thing I am having the most trouble with is all that breathing. Sheesh! This silver haired lady with no fat on her frame insists that people BREATHE while doing her contortions. That's HARD!

My body isn't quite in the Gumby mode yet, and I'm pretty sure nobody expected Gumby to take big deep breaths while pokey made him bend in half. Not sure what Pokey had in mind but that's for another day.

Anyway. I did it twice. Woo hoo. I think next time I won't eat a cup full of Pez right before hand, might keep me from starting to get nauseous halfway through. Although I'm thinking you probably shouldn't eat a cup full of Pez before doing ANYthing, but who am I?

How on earth .. ?

2009-04-18T17:46:00.002-05:00

Cat puke. There is way more of it in my life than I am happy with. There were spots on the carpet where after I cleaned it up and the rug dried - there was still a stain. So today I knew I needed to clean those spots in the full light of day. I got a bucket and a sponge and mixed up a magical brew and started scrubbing. 15 minutes later I had effectively (I hope) cleaned about 7 different stains. I proceeded to get a roll of paper towels and throw wads on the wet spots and step on them until I got most of the moisture up. Almost used a whole roll! And of course my cat puked again while I was at it, but that's another story.

In all the process of getting the bucket, scrubbing, drying, and putting the bucket away and everything took MAYBE 25 minutes total. And that's giving myself the benefit of the doubt, it was probably less time than that. When I was walking out of the kitchen with the task complete - I was red in the face and my heart was pounding. From scrubbing spots on the rug. I'm beginning to think I may just up and have a heart attack if I suddenly start exercising one day!

As usual I have to ask myself how I let it get this way. What the hell??

I'm thinking ..

2009-04-17T19:24:00.003-05:00

*

... it's always easier to exercise tomorrow, isn't it?

*

Slow metabolism? How about NO metabolism!!

2009-04-16T21:48:00.004-05:00

I am disappointed and a bit disgusted. So what did I do? Ate half a box of mac n' cheese.

I have been doing pretty well with my salads and eating fresh fruit - Slimfast - but it seems to make no more difference to me than if I was eating all my meals at Taco Bell. It's at this point where I always say - to hell with it! I might as well eat the way I want to. I may be fat but at least I won't be miserable!

Unfortunately I know what it means. Exercise. Sigh-h-h. I know exercise will give me energy, speed up my metabolism, tighten everything up and everything good. But I need energy FIRST so I can start exercising. But it just doesn't work that way.

When I come home from work every day I am so exhausted and sleepy, I can't imagine working out. Even though I apparently bought some yoga DVD's under the influence of Ambien. I don't remember really but I think they are for older people or something. I don't know if I looked for yoga for fat people or not. My intentions are good, my discipline is not.

Are stuffed peppers diet food?

2009-04-11T18:35:00.003-05:00

I don't cook. I mean barely. I hate my kitchen, there is no counter space, so even if I was a good or a natural cook - it would still suck to do it in that space. Anyway, it seems like lately I have been wanting to try different things so I have gotten the ingredients together and attempted a few dishes. Tonight - is stuffed peppers. I don't even like peppers. Yes, I am that absurd.

I was in the kitchen earlier in the day and I smelled something that reminded me of stuffed peppers. I have NO idea what that could have been but I try not to question the smells in my house too much. My MIL used to make stuffed cabbage and when I was still married and going over there for dinner sometimes, she would stuff a couple of peppers for me because I didn't like cabbage. I never actually ate the pepper, but I would eat the meat and rice it was stuffed with. Oh - and I used to eat the Stouffers frozen peppers. Again, just the insides.

Andy ran out to the store for me but didn't get back till damn near 5:30 - so we will be eating quite late. But - they're in the oven. I didn't find a weight watchers recipe which might have been the smart thing to do. I didn't try to make a vegetarian version or use turkey instead of beef. I went online and found a recipe that had the ingredients I thought would best mimic the stuffed peppers I have liked in the past.

peppers
ground sirloin
onions
bread crumbs
rice
tomato sauce
tomato soup

Of course salt and pepper, etc. Not a diet meal but my rationale is - I hardly ever cook and home cooked is always better for you than frozen or processed, so this is healthier for me. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

That may be one of my biggest problems - if I want something, I can always think of a way to justify it. Like - at least it's not a big meaty, cheesy lasagna! Mmm-m-m .. sounds good!

**Added later - Note to self: One stuffed pepper is always enough. One serving of everything else is always enough too. Ugh.

Patience is not MY virtue.

2009-04-08T20:40:00.003-05:00

I know nothing is going to happen overnight, and if weight is going to stay off - it needs to come off slowly. And what I really need to do is just incorporate healthy changes into my diet and let the weight take care of itself. One day at a time.

This is what I am having for lunch tomorrow. It's what I have been having for a while now, topped with a combination of fat free and light dressing. I actually took 3 bottles of ranch dressing, 2 light, 1 fat free, and poured them into a pitcher. I mixed them all together and poured them back into their bottles. I just can't go totally fat free. But - I keep a bottle of my concoction at work in the fridge so it's there already, makes it easy. I've been craving eggs lately so tonight I hard boiled a couple and put some in my salad.

I have not given up my bagel for breakfast, sometimes with cream cheese, more often toasted with ordinary sliced American cheese. Sometimes I'll quick fry an egg in a pan with Pam and put that on there. Yum. During the day I usually eat an orange, my salad, a Slimfast, and a low fat yogurt. If I need one - I'll have a Slimfast for dinner.

Little by little I need to mix in other healthy foods, but for a while I just need to stick with what works. What I'm comfortable with. How about - what doesn't make me gag?

Why can't chocolate ice cream and dark chocolate candy bars be the healthy foods, while spinach and artichokes were evil? THEN the tables would be turned. All those "naturally thin" people would blimp up like the girl in Willy Wonka who ate the blueberries. Or whatever it was. And us "full-figured" gals would slim down.

You know what would happen then? Fat would become the newest and most glamorous thing out there! Of course. For once I wouldn't mind swimming against the stream!

Tomorrow is the day.

2009-04-06T21:28:00.002-05:00

The big 5 - 0 day. 50. Years old. Now I'm wondering if maybe I should have gotten a matching tattoo with my daughter. She wants to, I kind of felt like I was done with that. My BF doesn't want me too, I don't know. But anyway! I have been doing quite well with my diet, actually. My daughter was up from school with her fiance' Friday night, leaving late on Saturday. We went to dinner for my birthday, I ate a chicken breast with rice. Half of it, actually. Then the server brought me a little ice cream birthday thingy, I ate a little but kind of gave the rest to Dan and Dani. I did have 2 yummy cupcakes when we got home, and another one for breakfast on Sunday. But I made Dani take the rest with them so they wouldn't be here. I would have eaten every last one of them.

I have 2 days off work, today and tomorrow. Not sure what I am going to do on my birthday. I think Andy is working. BF wants to do something with food and I am really tempted to splurge and have some ribs, but I don't know. That's tomorrow.

Part of me (MOST of me) wants results right away. NOW. But it doesn't really work that way, at least not for any kind of lasting results. I keep thinking that tomorrow being my 50th birthday I should start some kind of exercise program, something I can start slowly and work up to. I have a Yoga for Dummies DVD, maybe I will try that. Maybe maybe maybe. Why don't I commit to anything for goodness sakes?

Something else I do differently because I'm fat.

2009-04-02T21:49:00.002-05:00

I won't shop at certain places. Places where I may run into people from a previous life. When I was thin. Thinner. All the people who would tell the exBF - wow you should see how fat she is! Or him - his son works there, he shops there, I can hear him now "geez, have another sandwich, will ya???" His favorite thing to say when he saw his ex-wife of anyone else he felt like disparaging. One of his stock of sarcastic remarks used to poke fun. Fun. Ahem. That's why I avoid seeing him. Because of all the fun.

So grocery shopping has become a major endeavor for me. Something I hate to begin with but now it involves going to one store but never getting comfortable there so trying another one. But seeing the exBF there and driving away without ever going inside. Going back to the uncomfortable store and getting as much as I can that I need from there. Just don't like that store.

It's funny too because that's the town I want to move back to. My home town. But I guess I figure by the time I can do that - I'll be thin again, right? Yeah. Or dead I suppose.

Actually doing quite well sticking to my diet. Don't get excited though, I'm still fat.

Why can't I?

2009-03-29T15:36:00.000-05:00

Pizza last night. It is official, Pizza Hut sucks. I would never eat it because of something a friend told me a long long time ago. But my son likes to get pizza from there for some reason, so if I leave it up to him, that is what we end up with. But - yuk. Even the cats won't eat their sausage. But, no matter.

This is my weekend of indulgence before a new diet, and the Haagen-Daz I just finished more than made up for the crappy pizza. The only thing we didn't have in the house was regular pop as opposed to diet, but that's okay. My weekend of indulgence can't be perfect or I wouldn't have anything to whine about, now would I?

I've been asking myself why I decided to open up this blog when I have no success to announce, no progress to report. It's true I'm not putting it out there, not putting a button to this blog on either of my other 2. But it IS open if anyone runs across it. Maybe I am trying to shame myself. And silly as it sounds, maybe Barbara Cooper had something to do with it. Valerie Bertinelli landing on the cover of People in a bikini. Wow. She is 2 inches shorter than I am but our height/weight ratios kind of match. She's only a year younger than I am. And the interviews she's been giving really reveals the inner feelings of someone who had slowly gained a large amount of weight and the affect it can have.

She has a book out now. I think it's just her story, not a diet book or anything. But still - maybe I should read it. I need all the help I can get.

When I started this..

2009-03-29T00:17:00.000-05:00

When I started this blog it was closed to anyone but me. Because even though I intended to try to lose weight before I turned 50 years old, I also knew I would be whining a lot about how hard it is to get up off the couch and get ON the treadmill after work when I am so damn tired all the time. I didn't want to deal with people telling me - well once you start to exercise the energy will come from that, you'll see. I know that already. Still doesn't get me off the couch.

I didn't want anyone telling be to "go for it" regarding ANYTHING I was talking about, or diet I was trying, etc. I just wanted to come here and say what I wanted without worrying about what my commentors might think or say, to feel free to talk about how badly I feel about myself right now - without feeling it necessary to differentiate how I DO feel good about myself in other ways, just not physicially. If no one is reading except me - I could write and whine and be completely unlikable and it wouldn't matter.

So I'm not linking this blog to my others, although I'm sure people may notice it attached to my profile, but I'm not LOOKING for people to find it. If they do - fine. If not - that's fine too. This blog is about me, my struggles, my frustrations, and my inability to get my ass in control at this point in my life. Not sure why it's so hard now - but it is.

But I haven't given up yet. We will see what happens but - my birthday is coming up really quick now, and I am nowhere close to my goal. AT ALL. Pisses me off. At least I'm not blaming anyone other than myself cause damn-it - it's only my fault. Makes me mad that I am so damn weak.

Another day, another diet.

2009-03-27T20:45:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I think that I start a new diet, always on Monday, just so I can eat pizza and ice cream and donuts all weekend before I start. Just sayin'.

I cannot figure out why nothing works for me these days. Or more accurately - why I can't do any of it. I know what I should eat. I know I should exercise. But more and more I have to admit that food is my comfort. And oh how comforting it is. I come home from work and look around at this craphole I live in and hate - and start to think about what I want to eat. And I don't want freaking carrot sticks, I want something YUMMY.

Is it because I'm not married - not in a forever, full time relationship? I don't think so. I mean, I suppose I could be lying to myself but I have grown so set in my ways I do not think there is a man out there I would be willing to share my space with on a full time basis. My old boyfriend and I used to joke about some day buying adjoining townhouses with a door between. And the door would have a screen door as well as a full door. He was someone who wanted people around ALL the time. Me? Not so much. I have cats. He was a neat freak. We were different. So we could have the big door open and the screen door keeping the cats out of his side, but it would be friendly and inviting. We could sleep over at each other's places if we wanted - or not talk all day if we didn't feel like it. He was a morning person. I wasn't. Separate but equal.

I might, MIGHT be able to go for a deal like that. But I'm not looking for any takers.

Anyway. So Monday I'm going to start Slimfast. I've done it in the past, it's non threatening and very flexible. I've got some bottles with caps I can put it in and bring in to work. Bagel for breakfast, a small salad and Slimfast for lunch, and a Slimfast for dinner with maybe an orange or something.

Gotta try something. I'm getting very close to looking like a Budha right now, and very very close to 50. Gads.

Just say no to food

2009-02-09T20:26:00.000-06:00

I find myself clenching my teeth a lot. At least yesterday and today. I decided to give up eating the other day. I mean, what else is freaking left? In the last couple of years I got myself into a mindset of NOT dieting because of course dieting doesn't work. And then hmmm, eat what I want, eat only when I'm hungry, and stop when I am full. Great! I can do that!! Yeah. All the way to where I am now. :(

I was thinking of a bypass. Literally, a mini-gastric bypass like Gil Gerard. And then I was thinking well, how is it those people lose weight? They do it by not eating! The only difference is - their stomach is reduced to a size that makes them not ABLE to eat. So why the hell can't I just not eat - like they do? Why do I have to get my stomach stapled or some such thing, when I can just stop eating?

So I did. Okay I might be exaggerating somewhat. But I am ignoring my hunger, clenching my teeth and going about my day. And you know what else? I don't care if it's healthy! I really don't! That's how desperate I am. Yesterday I ate a bagel for breakfast and later in the day I had some fresh pineapple. Today I had a bagel for breakfast, later I had a granola bar, later some baked beans and then a yogurt. Not looking for balance, not looking for vitamins, just looking to lose. And if I have the mindset going - I'm going to take advantage of it. I simply cannot walk around like this much longer.

So which is worse? To be fat from the get-go - as a kid, to grow up that way and never know any different? Or, to be average sized, maybe pretty, for a good portion of your life, only to get fat later? Which? I can only see it from my perspective but holy cow do I feel bad about myself right now. Somehow I can feel good about many things about myself, but feel absolutely less then nothing about how I look. I haven't even cut my hair in a million years, let my last short haircut just grow the hell out. No trims, the hair still shorter where it was cut over my ears, shaggy in the back and self cut bangs in the front. I'm a mess. But it will all get better when I slim down. Right? I will buy nicer clothes, take care of my hair and try to look pretty.

Oh but right now this sucks. Oh how it sucks.

Wherein this becomes the bitter blog

2009-02-08T21:58:00.001-06:00

I wrote about it on my regular blog. My visit to the doctor last week didn't offer me a lot of relief from my chronic fatigue to my fatness. That 400 lb purple elephant in the room. Ugh. He ended up giving me diet pills again. I've probaby never given them a good chance before. He also gave me water pills. So now I have pills for depression, pills for thyroid, pills for water, pills for dieting. Oh wait - pills for sleeping too! Woo hoo!

And what did I land upon this morning while flipping channels? Some show going into details about why diet pills don't work. Ai yi yi. Like I don't have enough excuses!

Tonight I told my daughter I would not be coming down to see her in the Vajay-jay monologies. The role she has this year is just too weird for a mom. For this mom anyway. And that's the truth. But how much does the fat enter into it? How much do I just not want to be seen like this? I am truly starting to get angry about it. Angry with myself.

About the thing the fat interferes with. Today is the 2nd day on the diet pill. Had a bagel for breakfast and some fresh pineapple later. Really nothing after that. I know starving myself is not the answer but I need to lose some weight to feel comfortable to start exercizing.

I hate even talking about any of this. When I say it out loud - failing at it hurts more.

I'm thinking about it.

2009-01-10T13:09:00.000-06:00

Last night I watched a show on Discovery Health (I think) about gastric bypass surgery. Gil Gerard (Buck Rogers fame) has had weight problems his whole life, ballooning up to 350 lbs at more than one time in his life. But now, he had diabetes, heart problems, and probably wouldn't live another couple of years.

He had a "mini-gastric bypass" which involves reducing the size of the stomach and rerouting beyond about 6 feet of intestine. It was done laparoscopically. To me, that's the clincher. It used to be a huge major surgery with a long recovery time and I am not willing to do that.

With this surgery, Gil was in the hospital 1 day, and they had him up and walking within a few hours of surgery. The next day he was out of bed and felt good.

I will be checking my insurance to see if it covers bariatric surgery. If it does - I will be talking about it to my regular smart-ass Internist. We will see, but I am encouraged. I simply cannot keep up like this. I feel horrible about myself and am not in good shape at all.

What's it going to take?

2008-11-30T23:37:00.001-06:00

Sitting here watching "Dr G., Medical Examiner." Good show, very interesting. But all the things people die of on a regular basis, aneurysms, heart disease, strokes, complications of diabetes, geez it's all so scary. I'm not really scared of dying I don't think, but I am scared of being disabled, having a stroke or something and not being able to take care of myself.

My dad died from a stroke. But before he had the one that killed him, he had one that disabled him. He couldn't talk. He couldn't walk, couldn't use a good portion of the left side of his body, and he was left handed. Horrible to see. I may not have gotten along with him, didn't have a great relationship, but he was a proud man, especially proud of his intellect. I do not want to be in that position.

I am pre-diabetic right now. I cannot go up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing for 5 minutes afterwards. I sit all day at work and I sit when I get home. What the hell is it going to take to get me to DO something?

Every night before I go to sleep I think about what I can do to get in shape. I picture myself forcing myself to go outside and walk every day when I get home from work. I see myself on the treadmill - watching TV. I even picture myself jogging on the treadmill trying to get in shape to do a 5K run or something.

And every day I do nothing.

Is there some reason I am not aware of that I want to stay like this? Am I proving something to myself - I mean - I don't keep people really close to me anymore, am I trying to further push more people away? I don't know.

But it really is quite clear that I will add years to my life if I start exercising and eating better. Why don't I? I should be the one to answer that but the truth is - I just don't know.

NO. What's that?

2008-11-02T23:35:00.000-06:00

At some point I stopped telling myself no. I have totally lost control of what I allow myself and what I don't. I used to have a natural feel for whether I was letting things get away from me and needed to cut back. That doesn't exist anymore. It's like I don't know myself anymore.

After my divorce I entered into a relationship with a man that lasted a good 8, almost 9 years. It was a very destructive relationship although I did not see that at the time. There was no abuse or intentional infliction of pain, but there was turmoil and emotional conflict and uncertainty all of the time.

He was very controlling. Not in the sense that I couldn't leave the house or could not have friends or any of the things you think of when you think of control. He kept me off balance emotionally all of the time. I never knew for sure where I stood with him. It's hard to explain. I lived in his house and although it was supposed to be mine as well - I always knew it was his. I could paint a room if I wanted to but it had to be within his parameters. I could work on some landscaping projects in the yard but it had to meet his specifications as to what he wanted to see in front of his house.

When we broke up and I moved out of his house, it was like I could breathe again. I bought colorful bedding and colorful dishes, hung things on the walls and reveled in expressing who I was and making my own choices. Maybe it was then that I stopped telling myself no.

Part of celebrating ME - was allowing myself what I wanted because it was my decision. My choice. I'm not blaming him for my weight gain. That's all me. But I really think that was the time where I started to let everything go.

Now - I need to figure out how to stop it.

I moved.

2008-10-23T21:01:00.000-05:00

I got on the treadmill tonight. For maybe 3 and a half minutes. Considering the fact that I can't remember the last time I was on it - I'll take it. As I was starting to walk, turning up the volume on the TV with the remote in my hand, I spied the tootsie roll that had been warming beneath my leg which must have tumbled to the floor when I got up from the couch.

Oops.

Okay, I said I got on the treadmill. Didn't say I had started dieting.

Sigh-h-h.

One day just like the next.

2008-09-16T20:31:00.000-05:00

Sometimes being heavy is exhausting. At work every time I get up out of my chair before leaving my cubicle I adjust my bra while seated, stand - pull up my pants, and pull my shirt down at the sides. As I am walking away from my cube I am sucking in the whole front of my body while tugging at the back of my shirt and then the front to make sure it isn't clinging too tightly to me.

I see women who walk around with shirts that are fairly snug against their rolls and they seem to have no problem with it. I don't know if it's because they have been living with it longer than I have, if they don't see themselves as a smaller person on the inside, or if they have a better self image than I do.

Every single day I think about exercising. As I sink further down into the couch in my exhaustion. Tired because I don't get enough sleep, tired because I've worked a full day, and tired because being heavy seems to require a lot of energy. And every night after I have a full belly I think about how tomorrow I am going to eat less, eat better, and how tomorrow it will be easier. I didn't do well today, but I have the resolve now, tomorrow will be better.

Every single night as I lay in my bed and try to go to sleep I think about how tomorrow I will clip on that pedometer and add a hundred steps a day. How I won't spend all evening when I get home on the computer and how much I will accomplish. Tomorrow.

The next day always turns into the same as the day before. There is no resolve when I am hungry and no ambition when I am tired.

Maybe I DO like to whine ...

2008-09-15T18:44:00.001-05:00

So the fat girl is miserable. I suppose it doesn't help that I think I'm PMSing. I'm irritable and crabby and having big-wigs in the office does not help. Recently we were told there is a new dress code, no jeans being the worst part for me. That's all I have worn for years! So having to go shopping at this size was a horrendous experience for me. I hated every moment of it and hated putting my daughter through it when she was nice enough to come with me.

Well, I bought summer clothes. Capris and thin pants. And suddenly it's fall here. Cool. So I am wearing my black jeans because they are more cool weather pants. Not too much of a big deal, I can stay at my desk as much as possible. But they always bring food in when the bosses are in town. They brought in something and put it in our small cubicle-like break area where there are 4 or 5 of these people sitting around the table about 8 inches from the table that has the food on it.

Number one - my ass is too big to comfortably go in there and get myself a plate of food without bumping at least one of the chairs. Plus, I would have my back to the table where they are eating and I'll be damned if they are going to watch me fill my plate.

Two cubicles behind me is this little skinny thing who eats like a horse and makes nummy noises the whole time. You would think free food was the best thing ever - and she has no qualms about going back for seconds or getting nutty about something that tastes good.

Does anyone look twice at her when she oohs and ahhhs over the food and stuffs her face and then sits there and complains about how full she is? No.

Now if I did the same thing? Somehow it's just not the same thing.

If those bosses were not in there sitting right by the table, and I was wearing something other than jeans, I might, MIGHT go in there and get some food. But as it is - I don't think so.

I really hate to whine

2008-09-13T21:10:00.000-05:00

But why can't I get myself to do anything? I mean really, anything??? I sit here all full and disgusted with myself after eating McDonalds and having done nothing except one load of laundry ALL day. It's so easy to look at healthy recipes and think that tomorrow, yes tomorrow I will start eating well and tomorrow I will put on the pedometer and start keeping track of how much I move.

But I never do.

When I lay down to go to sleep every night I inevitably pull my knee up and feel my belly against it. My belly is not supposed to be there. When laying on my side I lay my hand on the front of my waist except the IS no waist, and the front of me is so big I could easily pass for pregnant.

My daughter was so concerned when we went shopping for clothes that I hated myself. I don't think I hate myself but I DO hate the way I look and the way I feel and even more than those things - I hate my lack of ability to do anything about it all.

I joined an online diet site called SPARK. No idea if I will be committed to it any more than anything else. Makes me feel - more of a failure to fail in front of other people. I don't know, time will tell.

I knew this would happen. When I was old!

2008-09-09T20:57:00.000-05:00

Today my knees started to hurt. Primarily the right one wihich is the one usually tucked beneath me as I sit on the couch in front of the computer for hours at a time. Literally. I'm guessing that has something to do with it. Inactivity is apparently a bad thing for the body.

Like I didn't know that.

It's bad enough that when I get up and walk after sitting for a while, everything is stiff, my ankles, my legs, and my feet and toes snap crackle pop like adding milk to Rice Krispies.

Now it's my knees. When I get up to walk they are just sore, nothing horrible, no sharp pain, just an ache that I feel as I walk. It's not just about getting old. It's about being overweight and my joints finally deciding to protest.

I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner.

A likeness. More or less.

2008-09-01T23:05:00.000-05:00

Things I do differently because I'm fat. Part 1

2008-09-01T20:44:00.000-05:00

I don't want to see my Mother. I know, that's bad, isn't it?

Before I got pregnant with my son I was probably about 120 lbs. By the time I gave birth to him I was over 200. My Mom came to stay with me - too early, he was late, so she went back to whichever state she was living in at the time. After Andy was born she came back and helped me with him. She was invaluable to me. She came when my daughter was born too, both times she stayed for 2 weeks and was a huge help to me.

But at some point, and I don't remember if it was after Andy was born, or after Dani was born or when she said it mind you, but in looking at how she felt when she saw me that last month pregnant with Andy my Mom said "Oh I was just sick."

She was referring to how heavy I was and was most likely saying it to me after I had lost a lot of weight. "Oh I was just sick."

I have never gotten that out of my head. Or maybe I should say my heart. When I questioned her about it later, told her how hurt I was by her saying that, she explained that she had only meant she was sick at heart because she knew how hard it would be for me to lose the weight. Uh huh.

My Mom is 80 years old. She has had 2 facelifts, a nose job, and a chin implant. She has been known, at about 110 lbs now, to eat less than she should because she has a "tummy". Forget that she's 80 years old, forget that she had 4 kids, she has a "tummy".

Do I believe she only felt bad about how hard it would be for me to lose that weight? No, I don't. And now, I am heavier than she has ever seen me, and I don't want her to see me. I know I would be self conscious the whole time because I would think she was looking at me, disgusted, and "just sick."

I don't want to deal with it.

Today

2008-08-30T19:50:00.000-05:00

This weekend is a 3 day weekend with Monday being labor day. My plans were/are to work at getting my daughter's room cleaned up. She is away at school and she left her room looking like a tornado went through it. So, I plan on getting it cleaned up and organized, vacuumed and the like.

What did I do? I sat right where I am sitting now, and I worked on this blog. Had to make a header. Wanted to get everything just right. Unfortunately with this type of thing I tend to get obsessed and compulsive about it and I couldn't let it go.

Halfway through the day I realized I forgot to take my meds this morning, interrupting the cumulative benefit of my new higher thyroid med dosage. I ate - french toast and sausage. Had my tea as usual and later 2 skinny cow ice cream sandwiches. My diet is incredibly bad.

Last week I cooked almost every day. Something I haven't done in so long I can't remember the last time I did it. I went online and got all these recipes and had all these plans to keep cooking. Then I made a dinner one night that my son chose not to eat. Probably because it contained vegetables. He's 24 years old. But that was enough to throw me off - why cook if no one except me is eating it? Not a good excuse, but an excuse none the less.

Last night I thought well, I really need to let that set-back go and started to think about a grocery list. I decided to check my bank account to see what I had to work with and saw I really couldn't spend much at all. Certainly not as much as I spent the last time I went shopping. I need to figure out how to get my stuff together - I am completely out of control.

Andy left the house a little while ago and I asked if he was going to be stopping at the store, something I haven't done in a while. He wasn't sure, he said, but why? Cause I want sherbet. I have a taste for sherbet.

Eight Months

2008-08-30T00:26:00.000-05:00

I have 8 months. 8 months to lose .. oh .. almost 70 pounds. Because you see, in 8 months I turn 50 years old and I am not willing to enter into the 2nd half of my life like this.

My story is the same as many people's. I can throw my hands up and say - I don't know what happened - it just spiraled out of control and next thing I knew - I looked like THIS! I can disavow responsibility with the best of them. But no matter.

It's time to do something about it - the question is - what? I don't want to do anything drastic - hello - weight loss surgery? No money for that. Besides, I would probably end up malnourished because I would be eating an ounce of chocolate when I should be eating an ounce of protein. I know me. Hmmm, my stomach only holds this much (see fingers maybe an inch apart) so if I eat the piece of chicken I won't be able to eat that chunk of dark chocolate Toblerone. Toblerone wins! I mean really, have you ever had Toblerone?

Anyway. Yes, I must find a way because at this point the weight has really started (who am I kidding - HAS been) affecting all parts of my life. How I see myself, how others see me, how I walk, how I carry myself, how I bend down to pick things up, how I sit, how I have sex, IF I have sex, breathing, all the way to the way I feel about myself deep down inside. The important place where my deepest feelings are so buried that even I don't shine much light on them - and certainly not recently. Can't face it.

And maybe when I feel like I am actually on my way, on a roll so to speak - I will click the radio button that gives permission for other people to view this blog. But right now - I can't.

This is my journey.

My journey from fat - to fifty.